"There are two kinds of angry people: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of Individual that you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupon. Implosive, is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and finally shoots everyone in the store. You are the cashier."

""So when I get out of prison in the next 2-5 years, I expect you to do the right thing and give me the promotion that Andrew resigned from."

"Flirting is cheating's ugly cousin Buddy, I am not a cheater."

"I'm feeling very angry right now, because I have only one bed and no couch."

"Why couldn't you have told her something else? I was at the bank! I was at the store! I ate bad guacamole and couldn't stop shitting! Any of those things would have been fine!"

"I want to have children with you! Children! With your eyes and my... last name! That's all I want."

"I'm not a homophobe, I'm a pulling-out-my-penis-in-front-of-you-ophobe."

"Look everybody, Pana Banana's got a heinie! He's got a heinie!"

"Five hour drive to find out mommy had a jelly bean removed from her nose... Glad I missed work. Can we eat now?"

"[singing] I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. Oh so pretty and whitty and... gay."

"Clive Merrison - The Headmaster"

"Samuel Barnett - Posner"

"Dominic Cooper - Dakin"

"Jamie Parker - Scripps"

"Russell Tovey - Rudge"

"Andrew Knott - Lockwood"

"Frances de la Tour - Mrs. Lintott"

"Richard Griffiths - Hector"

"Stephen Campbell Moore - Irwin"

"James Corden - Timms"

"Samuel Anderson - Crowther"

"History. It's just one fucking thing after another."

"Meet The Boys Who Are Making History!"

"I was a geographer. I went to Hull."

"On enquiry I find his pupils know all the words of "When I'm Cleaning Windows". And Gracie Fields, Dorothy, Gracie Fields."

"I said it from the start: you can't polish a turd! (About Rudge)"

"One oddity: Rudge. And Christ Church of all places! Might get into Loughborough... on a bad year... otherwise all brights!"

"I want to be up there with Manchester Grammar, Haberdasher Askes, Leighton Park... or is that an open prison? No matter."

"They're good... but they're crass. They need polish... edge."

"Turning facts on their heads. It's like a game."

"The more you read, though, the more you'll see that literature is actually about losers... It's consolation. All literature is consolation."

"History is a commentary on the various and continuing incapabilities of men. What is history? History is women following behind... with a bucket."

"How do I define history? It's just one fuckin' thing after another."

"[on Hector being sacked] No more genital massage as one speed along leafy suburban roads. No more the bike's melancholy long withdrawing roar as he dropped you at the corner, your honor still intact."

"The truth was, in 1914, Germany doesn't want war. Yeah, there's an arms race, but it's Britain who's leading it. So, why does no one admit this?"

"But this is History. Distance yourselves. Our perspective on the past alters. Looking back, immediately in front of us is dead ground. We don't see it, and because we don't see it this means that there is no period so remote as the recent past. And one of the historian's jobs is to anticipate what our perspective of that period will be... even on the Holocaust."

"Pass the parcel. That's sometimes all you can do. Take it, feel it, and pass it on. Not for me, not for you, but for someone, somewhere, one day. Pass it on, boys. That's the game I want you to learn. Pass it on."

"I would hate to turn out boys who, in later life, would claim to have a love of literature, or speak of the lure of language, and their love of words. Words, said in a way that's somehow... Welsh."

"Remember boys: festoon your answers with gobbets, and you won't go far wrong."

"The best moments in reading are when you come across something — a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things — that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out and taken yours."

"[while leading Miss Harridan into his house] Is there anything I can get you to drink? Coffee, tea, water, eye of newt?"

"Lisa Edelstein – Crispin's mother"

"Wallace Langham – Jim Fields"

"[walking into Chapman Academy] Look at this place. It's Princeton for preschoolers."

"Arthur Young – Nicky"