"[holding his wife's wedding photograph, sniffling, after deciding not to kill himself] I miss you... [cries] Victoria Lynn. [sobs, then sighs and sniffles] Hey, that's silly, isn't it? [6 seconds later] I'll see you later. [throws wedding photograph on the floor] I'll see you much later."

"I don't make things difficult. That's the way they get, all by themselves."

"Now that's a real badge, I'm a real cop, and this is a real fucking gun!"

"So, cool beans?"

"I've got a tattoo here that fully illustrates my point. It's of this rebellious young man, and he's urinating on an FM radio. And then this other stream of urine is going onto that television set. Implausible, I know, but I like to think that he had sex the night before, and a little bit of residue is blocking his urethra, allowing the urine to flow in two separate directions."

"Now I don't want to say that kiss was hot, but if the boner police are here, I demand a lawyer!"

"I go to church every goddamn Sunday! You gonna bring the demons outta me?"

"Don't you EVER try to tell me how to live my life AGAIN!"

"Yoohoo sh[*]theads, I just found a bag of fireworks in the men's restrooms; would you guys like to light them off?"

"Hahahahahahahaa... I'ma go drop some dumpage."

"My balls itch more than a flea on a jack russel terrier!"

"I don't even cry, and look at me, you're about to make tears come outta my face!"

"I'm freakin pumped! I've been drinking green tea all goddamn day!"

"You're a pussy."

"Play the victim and you will be the victim."

"Old man, young heart!"

"Never—sneak up on a man who's been in a chemical fire."

"Rod, are you okay?"

"Cool beans."

"It's bouncing around the Web like a beach ball at a Nickelback concert."

"But I still to kick your ass (Frank). How can I do that if you're dead??"

"He's your real dad so he automatically loves you. But I'm his step-son, I have to earn it."

"When you go on a date, you put on a shirt, and you drive your bike to the DAAAATE!"

"Who wants to see me do a BIG-ASS STUNT!!!"

"I used to be legit. In fact, I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. But now I'm not legit. I'm unlegit. And for that reason, I must quit."

"The front of his face exploded out the back of his skull. He died instantly, the next day."

"You have only to believe if you wish to achieve. That rhymed. Unintentional."

"I'd rather die than live in a world where I can't kick your ass."

"[singing] Please believe, I do my laundry with no pants on!"

"I'm officially kicking off Phase Two: Operation Fiscal Jackhammer."

"Life's Short, Stunt it!"

"Have fun being married to SATAN!"

"You're the devil!"

"I needed to think last night. So I galloped into a wooded glen, and after punch dancing out my rage and suffering an extremely long and very painful fall, I realized what has to be done."

"I need to go to my quiet place!"

"You're wrong, Frank. I'm not a kid, I'm a man. I am gonna get you better, and then I'm gonna beat you to death!"

"This fits right into your whole "fusion/salad-bowl-of-cultures" philosophy. How did I ever stand a chance? I'm too much lettuce."

"I'm not a great man for telling things the way they are. I mean, I've been known to add a little color to stories and riddles for the benefit of those who will listen. Yet here tonight I can swear that all I've told you is true. The money will be claimed and divided equally between the fifty two of us. Now it was wrong, to think I could claim the money meself. That's not what Ned wants. He wants us to share the winnings. A nest egg for us all. So now if the lotto man comes to the village, you say that Ned Devine is alive and well, and you point your finger to Michael O'Sullivan."

"If I'd have known how much was won, I'd never have started in the first place. Oh Lord, this is getting awful serious."