"Oh I love you Raymond. I love you more than anything in this whole world! I love you even more than my own filthiness! More than my hair color! More than the sound of bones breaking! The sounds of death rattles! Even more than my own SHIT do I love you, Raymond!"

"Babs Johnson, oh what a stupid fucking name! She sounds like a chimpanzee on a tire swing."

"We'll see who's the filthiest person alive! We'll JUST SEE!"

"I guess there's just two kinds of people, Miss Sandstone, my kind of people, and assholes. It's rather obvious which category you fit into."

"Do my balls, Mama!"

"Mama, nobody sends you a turd and expects to live. Nobody!"

"Hold these goddamn chickens!"

"I'll burn you to death,stupid bitch!"

"Oh my God,you stupid idiot motherfucker!Connie,go away!"

"You stand convicted of asshole-ism."

"Gentlemen, the verdict is in. Guilty on all 10 charges of first-degree stupidity."

"You know who I am, bitch! I'm the filthiest person alive, that's who I am!"

"Oh my God Almighty! Someone has sent me a BOWEL MOVEMENT!"

"The next package you bring me is getting shoved right up your little ass, can you comprehend that?!"

"I haven't fallen in love for three whole days!"

"[last lines] "The filthiest people alive?" Well, you think you know someone filthier? Watch as Divine proves that not only is she the filthiest person in the world, she's also the filthiest actress in the world! What you are about to see is THE REAL THING!"

"[after Raymond exposes himself to a transsexual in the park, and, shocked, runs away] That is not the only shock you have before you, Raymond Marble, because at this exact moment Divine has learned of your jealous scheme from the local town gossip. She also has your address, ass hole!"

"This beautiful mobile home you see before you is the current hideout of the notorious beauty Divine, the filthiest person alive!"

"I bang your mother one more time, then we go disco."

"You know, you shouldn't jump around when this nice woman is holding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move she could slip and slice your jugular vein, on accident. There is no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floor in four minutes. I have seen this. I have done this. You don't want this."

"I just want to make hair silky-smooth."

"It's nice to have a little talk before the Bang-Boom."

"I like hair. It's pleasant. It's peaceful. No one gets hurt."

"I like this, being inside the outside."

"John Farley - Agent 50"

"Bill Romanowski - Air Marshall"

"Kelly Karbacz - Judy"

"Blake Clark - General"

"Kevin Nealon - CIA Agent"

"Patrick Warburton - Hymie"

"Bill Murray - Agent 13"

"Lindsay Hollister - Max's dance partner"

"Geoff Pierson - Vice President"

"Dalip Singh - Dalip"

"David S. Lee - Ladislas Krstic"