"My parents have been married for 26 years. Theyre like brother and sister at this point. She goes to the bathroom with the door open. That would be "A". And "B" that's disgusting."

"My favorite part about graduating now will be dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life. He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy... been after my ass for years."

"Laney, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship."

"He's the reason Cliffs Notes were invented."

"You have reached the winter of our discontent."

"I'm bursting with fruit flavor."

"There's no point to any of this. It's just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moments where your laughter becomes a cackle... and I, I sit back and smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt."

"Honey, the only thing you have to be at age 23 is yourself."

"I am not required to make the world a better place."

"There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite. But there's no secret handshake."

"Are employee snacks subsidized?"

"You look like a doily."

"Hey! I'm a non-practicing virgin."

"I have work around here, and unfortunately Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage."

"It's not like I had a hysterectomy. I just got fired."

"I'm not going to work at The Gap for chrissake!"

"He's so cheesy, I can't watch him without crackers."

"I didn't do anything. I'm a nice man. I mind my own business. So you tell me that's that before I beat the Hell from you."

"Robert Smigel - Walter the Dentist"

"Luis Guzmán - Lance"

"Mary Lynn Rakskub - Elizabeth Egan"

"Philip Seymour Hoffman - Dean Trumbell"

"Emily Watson - Lena Leonard"

"Adam Sandler - Barry Egan"

"Lena: So, here we go."

"Dean Trumbell: Fuck you. You're a pervert. Think you can be a pervert and not pay for it?"

"I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are."

"I have so much strength inside of me. You have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine. I would say "That's that", Mattress Man."

"I didn't ask for a shrink - that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning and I don't have a crying problem."

"Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone-sex line... I called a phone-sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. Then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again. And, and I have a lot of puddings, and in six to eight weeks it can be redeemed. So if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you go if you have to travel for your work. Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you. So could you just let me redeem the mileage?"

"Clark Gable - Van Stanhope"

"James Stewart - Dave"

"May Robson - Mimi Stanhope"

"Myrna Loy - Linda Stanhope"

"Jean Harlow - Helen 'Whitey' Wilson"

"[about Jake's caricature] Why a man would keep such a horrible picture of himself is beyond me."

"Adrienne Shelly - Maria Coughlin"

"Karen Sillas - Nurse Paine"

"Edie Falco - Peg Coughlin"

"John MacKay - Jim Slaughter"

"Merritt Nelson - Jean Coughlin"

"Martin Donovan - Matthew Slaughter"

"You know, I could lay a big line on you and we could do a lot of role playing, but the simple truth is that I find you very interesting and I'd really like to make love to you."

"Lynne Thigpen - Jo"

"Doris Belack - Rita Marshall"

"Geena Davis - April Page"

"George Gaynes - John Van Horn"

"Sydney Pollack - George Fields"

"Bill Murray - Jeff Slater"

"Charles Durning - Les Nichols"