"Paymasters come in only two sizes: one sort shows you where the book says that you can’t have what you've got coming to you; the second sort digs through the book until he finds a paragraph that lets you have what you need even if you don’t rate it."

"My old man claimed that the more complicated the law the more opportunity for scoundrels."

"Cats have no sense of humor, they have terribly inflated egos, and they are very touchy."

"Nobody ever wins a lawsuit but the lawyers."

"If you would know a man, observe how he treats a cat."

"Pacifism is a shifty doctrine under which a man accepts the benefits of the social group without being willing to pay - and claims a halo for his dishonesty"

"There is solemn satisfaction in doing the best you can for eight billion people. Perhaps their lives have no cosmic significance, but they have feelings. They can hurt."

"People don’t really want change, any change at all — and xenophobia is very deep-rooted. But we progress, as we must — if we are to go out to the stars."

"Son, suppose you tend to your knitting and I tend to mine."

"His bow to me must have been calculated on a slide rule; it suggested that I was about to be Supreme Minister but was not quite there yet, that I was his senior but nevertheless a civilian — then subtract five degrees for the fact that he wore the Emperor’s aiguillette on his right shoulder."

"Take sides! Always take sides! You will sometimes be wrong — but the man who refuses to take sides must always be wrong."

"I have never been impressed by the formal schools of ethics. I had sampled them — public libraries are a ready source of recreation for an actor short of cash — but I had found them as poor in vitamins as a mother-in-law’s kiss. Given time and plenty of paper, a philosopher can prove anything. I had the same contempt for the moral instruction handed to most children. Much of it is prattle and the parts they really seem to mean are dedicated to the sacred proposition that a “good” child is one who does not disturb mother’s nap and a “good” man is one who achieves a muscular bank account without getting caught. No, thanks!"

"Aside from a cold appreciation of my own genius I felt that I was a modest man."

"“Harry, I need advice.” “You do? Well, I’ve got it in all sizes. All of it free and all of it worth what it costs, I’m afraid.”"

"You have to believe evidence when you have it in front of you, or else the universe is just too fantastic."

"Attend me. How do you prove that there are eggs in a bird’s nest? Don’t strain your gray matter: go climb the tree and find out. There is no other way."

"Learning isn’t a means to an end; it is an end in itself."

"I decided not to cross any bridges I had burned behind me."

"Parents probably don’t know that they are playing favorites even when they are doing it."

"I don’t know; maybe Frank had good intentions, but I sometimes think “good intentions” should be declared a capital crime."

"When it comes down to it, the root cause of war is always population pressure no matter what other factors enter in."

"“Pat, can’t you get it through your thick head to leave well enough alone?” “I don’t see what’s wrong with my logic.” “Since when was an emotional argument won by logic?”"

"I was confused. I didn’t feel telepathic; I merely felt hungry."

"But don’t say you don’t need money; that’s immoral."

"Rod...were you born that stupid? Or did you have to study?"

"When you haven’t data, guessing is illogical."

"Shaving, the common cold, and taxes...my old man says those are the three eternal problems the race is never going to lick."

""Good stories are rarely true."

"“From the ignoramuses we get for recruits I’ve reached the conclusion that this new-fangled ‘functional education’ has abolished studying in favor of developing their cute little personalities.”"

"One time in a hundred a gun might save your life; the other ninety-nine it will just tempt you into folly."

"Man is not a rational animal; he is a rationalizing animal."

"When a cat greets you, he makes a big operation of it, bumping, stropping your legs, buzzing like mischief. But when he leaves, he just walks off and never looks back. Cats are smart."

"Cut it out. If there is anything stupider that flogging yourself over something you can’t help, I’ve yet to meet it."

"The death rate is the same for us as for anybody...one person, one death, sooner or later."

"Remember, though, your best weapon is between your ears and under your scalp—provided it’s loaded."

"Madam, the commonest weakness of our race is our ability to rationalize our most selfish purposes."

"“You mean that, Henry?” “I always mean what I say, sir. It saves time.”"

"Fact is, you work too hard...the universe won’t run down if you don’t wind it."

"“Heredity isn’t everything; I’m myself, an individual. You aren’t your parents. You’re not your father, you are not your mother. But you are a little late realizing it.” She sat up straight. “So be yourself, Knothead, and have the courage to make your own mess of your life. Don’t imitate somebody else’s mess.”"

"I do not like weapons, Doctor; they are the last resort of faulty diplomacy."

"“May I say without offense that the reception given my sort on your great planet is sometimes something that one must be philosophical about?” “I know. I’m sorry. My own people, most of them, are honestly convinced that the prejudices of their native village were ordained by the Almighty. I wish it were different.”"

"If you can’t outargue the other fellow, sometimes you can outlive him."

"“I talked with it, boss. It’s stupid.” “I can’t see that you have established that. Assuming that an e.-t. is stupid because he can’t speak our language well is like assuming that an Italian is illiterate because he speaks broken English. A non-sequitur.”"

"Any organization calling itself “The Friends of This or That” always consisted of someone with an axe to grind, plus the usual assortment of prominent custard heads and professional stuffed shirts."

"It seemed to John that most of the older people in the world spent much of their time not listening."

"The law is whatever you can convince a court it is."

"“I guess I don’t understand women.” “That’s an understatement.”"

"“Mr. Jones, has it ever occurred to you, the world being what it is, that women sometimes prefer not to appear too bright?”"

"“You know, Ellie, you play this game awfully well—for a girl.” “Thank you too much.” “No, I mean it. I suppose girls are probably as intelligent as men, but most of them don’t act like it. I think it’s because they don’t have to. If a girl is pretty, she doesn’t have to think.”"

"Oh Max, you large lout, you arouse the eternal maternal in me."