"Sheriff: Whether you can believe it or not, the facts are here and we've got to face them. A creature that's been alive for over 3,000 years is in this town."

"The spectre of death!"

"Turhan Bey — Mehemet Bey"

"George Zucco - High Priest Andoheb"

"Jessica Biel - Tenley Parrish"

"Fred Ward - Sean Dunne"

"Freddie Prinze Jr. - Ryan Dunne"

"Matthew Lillard - Billy Brubaker"

"Miles Dalrymple: Excuse me, I am tired of living a lie. I need it to be known that I like a big girl. In fact, a large, zaftig, voluptuous, full-figured, big-boned, massive-assive honey, that is what gets me going. I like fat women and they like me... big girls need love too, baby!"

"Are you game?"

"Jason Gedrick - Mike Dunne"

"Baseball's a sport. Love's the game for Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Jessica Biel."

"Why stop with the press box? Huh? If you're gonna start fires, why don't you burn down Main Street?! Hah! You know, the league commissioner wanted to call this game off. I had to convince her that to penalize the rest of the team for the stupidity of a couple of knuckleheads would be unfair. But Robin and Van Leemer? They're ghosts. Ghosts!! I packed those idiots on the bus this morning; which means that we finish the regular season and we go into the playoffs without our number one pitcher and our starting shortstop! Look at me when I'm talking to you, dammit!! Tomorrow at 4 PM. Dunne! You've got the freshest arm. You get to start tomorrow. Now get the hell out of my sight, all of you; I'm sick and tired of looking at you. Move!!"

"Wood bats suck! Why do you think God invented aluminum?"

"Everything you do, on the field and off the field, affects your wallet. It's a shame to be hitting 190 on the field because you're hitting 700 in some gin mill. It's a shame to see your dreams and your bank accounts go up in smoke. Any more garbage from you guys and you'll be warming the sticky vinyl of a bus seat back to mommy! I don't care who you are. Now get outta here."

"Hey Ryan, Miles here thinks you have a nice pooper."

"I feel comfortable in my thong!"

"So you mow her lawn, and now you're trying to mow her lawn?"

"Brittany Murphy - Dede Mulligan"

"If you want big rewards, you gotta take big risks."

"Beverly D'Angelo - Lusty House Mother"

"Susan Gardner - Marjorie"

"Zena Grey - Katie Parrish"

"Traci Dinwiddie - Lauren"

"John C. McGinley - Hugh Alexander"

"Marc Blucas - Miles Dalrymple"

"Bruce Davison - Rand Parrish"

"Wilmer Valderrama - Mickey Dominguez"

"Brian Dennehy - Coach John Schiffner"

"Corey Pearson - Eric Van Leemer"

"Gabriel Mann - Auggie Mulligan"

"Christian Kane - Dale Robin"

"She came. She saw. She moved in."

"Steve Martin - Newton Davis"

"She's turning his house into a home...hers!"

"Goldie Hawn - Gwen Duncle/Buckley/Phillips"

"I really didn't intend for it to get this elaborate, it's just that everyone around here keeps treating me like I'm somebody... except you."

"Oh, grow feathers and go shit in a tree."

"Dana Delany - Becky Metcalf"