"Well, gentlemen, I'm a different man behind a desk - as any stenographer can tell you. But, uh, what I want to know, is why they're burying the last manager. And don't tell me it's because he's dead."

"Hello? Room Service. Bring up enough ice to cool a warm body."

"Philip Loeb — Timothy Hogarth"

"It's a funny thing. I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."

"Bob Balaban - M. Martin"

"Bill Murray - Monsieur Ivan"

"Léa Seydoux - Clotilde"

"Jason Schwartzman - Monsieur Jean"

"Harvey Keitel - Ludwig"

"F. Murray Abraham - Old Zero Moustafa"

"Mathieu Amalric - Serge X."

"Tilda Swinton - Madame Céline Villeneuve Desgoffe und Taxis (Madame D.)"

"Jude Law - The Author as a Young Man"

"Willem Dafoe - J.G. Jopling"

"Jeff Goldblum - Deputy Vilmos Kovacs"

"Saoirse Ronan - Agatha"

"Adrien Brody - Dmitri Desgoffe und Taxis"

"Edward Norton - Inspector Henckels"

"Ralph Fiennes - Monsieur Gustave H."

"Tom Wilkinson - The Author as an Old Man"

"Tony Revolori - Young Zero Moustafa"

"[to Mme. Celine's corpse] You're looking so well, darling, you really are... they've done a marvelous job. I don't know what sort of cream they've put on you down at the morgue, but... I want some."

"Rudeness is merely an expression of fear. People fear they won't get what they want. The most dreadful and unattractive person only needs to be loved, and they will open up like a flower."

"If I die first, and I almost certainly will, you will be my sole heir. There's not much in the kitty, except a set of ivory-backed hairbrushes and my library of romantic poetry, but when the time comes, these will be yours. Along with whatever we haven't already spent on whores and whiskey."

"You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it."

"Mr Moustafa: When the destiny of a great fortune is at stake, men's greed spreads like a poison in the bloodstream. Uncles, nephews, cousins, in-laws of increasingly tenuous connection. The old woman's distant relations had come foraging out of the woodwork."

"What is a lobby boy? A lobby boy is completely invisible, yet always in sight. A lobby boy remembers what people hate. A lobby boy anticipates the client's needs before the needs are needed. A lobby boy is, above all, discreet to a fault. Our guests know that their deepest secrets, some of which are frankly rather unseemly, will go with us to our graves. So keep your mouth shut, Zero."

"The Author: [having finished listening to Mr Moustafa's story; last lines] A week later, I sailed for a cure in South America, and began a long, wandering journey abroad. I did not return to Europe for many years. It was an enchanting old ruin... [his voice turns into that of his older self] ...but I never managed to see it again."

"Owen Wilson - Monsieur Chuck"

"[about winning Linda back] You could melt her heart right down to butter, if you'd only turn on the heat!"

"Bing Crosby - Jim Hardy"

"If I'm not the best manager in the business, I'll eat a garage mechanic's shirt!"

"Fred Astaire - Ted Hanover"

"[trying to describe Linda] She was sort of a medium built, medium height. With a nice evening gown on with a belt in the back. She's sorta built like the girl I knew from the corner drugstore who used to play pinball. Conshwella Schlepkiss. I remember she was high man three weeks in a row."

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, Just like the ones I used to know."

"Marjorie Reynolds - Linda Mason"

"A gentle smile often breeds a kick in the pants."

"John Gallaudet - Parker"

"Shelby Bacon - Vanderbilt"

"Louise Beavers - Mamie"

"Irving Bacon - Gus"