"[getting fed up from the noise next door] Why don't you open the door? [continues to knock but no one answers] Want to play some games? I'll play some fucking games with you."

"Kate Beckinsale - Amy Fox"

"Ethan Embry - the Mechanic"

"Frank Whaley - Mason"

"How can you escape...if they can see everything?"

"[on observing a snuff movie] I bet this gets the honeymooners in the mood."

"Nosebleed Woman: I'm sorry, I've got blood on your shirt. But don't worry, there are many ways to remove bloodstains from clothing. One way is to rinse the clothes with cold water then rub with sea salt. Another way is to scrub the stains with cotton wool dipped in ammonia. The third way is to mix flour and water into a paste, like toothpaste, especially if the clothes are delicate or brightly coloured. But just never use warm water on blood, ever."

"Olivia Colman - Hotel Manager"

"Ashley Jensen - Biscuit Woman"

"Rachel Weisz - Shortsighted Woman"

"Léa Seydoux - Loner Leader"

"Michael Smiley - Loner Swimmer"

"Angeliki Papoulia - Heartless Woman"

"Ben Whishaw - Limping Man (John)"

"Ariane Labed - the Maid"

"Jessica Barden - Nosebleed Woman"

"Now the fact that you will turn into an animal if you fail to fall in love with someone during your stay here is not something that should upset you or get you down. Just think, as an animal you'll have a second chance to find a companion. But, even then, you must be careful; you need to choose a companion that is a similar type of animal to you. A wolf and a penguin could never live together, nor could a camel and a hippopotamus. That would be absurd."

"Colin Farrell - David"

"Can I come to your room sometime for a chat? I could give you a blowjob. Or you could just fuck me. I always swallow after fellatio and I've got absolutely no problem with anal sex if that's your thing. My ex-husband always used to say I had the most beautiful thighs he'd ever seen, but let's not talk about him."

"Roger Ashton-Griffiths - Doctor"

"Some punishments are worse than other punishments. Having your thumb cut is worse than having your head shaved. And having a hot boiled egg under your armpit is worse than having your leg kicked. The punishment I am afraid of isn't the Red Kiss but another one, that is called the Red Intercourse."

"Loner Leader: We dance alone. That's why we only play electronic music."

"Trainer Waiter - Shooting Range: It's no coincidence that the targets are shaped like single people and not couples."

"We developed a code so that we can communicate with each other even in front of the others without them knowing what we are saying. When we turn our heads to the left it means "I love you more than anything in the world" and when we turn our heads to the right it means "watch out, we're in danger". We had to be very careful in the beginning not to mix up "I love you more than anything in the world" with "watch out, we're in danger". When we raise our left arm it means "I want to dance in your arms", when we make a fist and put it behind our backs it means "let's fuck". The code grew and grew as time went by and within a few weeks we could talk about almost anything without even opening our mouths."

"He didn't burst into tears and he didn't think that the first thing most people do when they realise someone doesn't love them anymore is cry."

"Back then, he didn't know how much it hurts to be alone - how much it hurts when you cannot reach to rub pain ointment on your back and you are constantly in pain."

"Ewen MacIntosh - Hotel Guard"

"That night, in my sleep, I dreamt that we lived in a big house together in the city with a large, well-lit kitchen, and I was wearing dark blue trousers and a tight cream blouse and he took my clothes off and fucked me up the ass."

"The Limping Man: Hello everyone. My mother was left on her own when my father fell in love with a woman who was better at math than she was. She had a post graduate degree I think, whereas my mother was only a graduate. I was nineteen at the time. My mother entered the hotel, but didn't make it and was turned into a wolf. I really missed her. I found out she had been moved to a zoo. I often went there to see her. I'd give her raw meat. I knew that wolves liked raw meat, but I couldn't figure out which of the wolves was my mother so I used to give a little bit to each of them. One day I decided to enter the enclosure. I really missed her and I wanted a hug. I climbed the fence and jumped in. All the wolves charged at once and attacked me; all but two who stood motionless. My guess is that one of those two must have been my mother. The zoo guards got to me quite quickly and took me to the hospital. Thankfully I didn't lose my leg. I just have this limp, which is also my defining characteristic. My wife died six days ago. She was very beautiful and I loved her very much. She had a limp too."

"John C. Reilly - Lisping Man (Robert)"

"One day, as he was playing golf, he thought that it is more difficult to pretend that you do have feelings when you don't that to pretend you don't have feelings when you do."

"Charles Halton — Dr. Glass"

"Donald MacBride — Mr.Wagner"

"Lucille Ball — Christine Marlowe"

"Well, gentlemen, I'm a different man behind a desk - as any stenographer can tell you. But, uh, what I want to know, is why they're burying the last manager. And don't tell me it's because he's dead."

"Groucho Marx — Gordon Miller"

"Chico Marx — Harry Binelli"

"Clifford Dunstan — Joseph Gribble"

"Ann Miller — Hilda Manney"

"Alexander Asro — Sasha Smirnoff"

"Harpo Marx — Faker Englund"

"Philip Loeb — Timothy Hogarth"

"After all, I'm a man and you're a woman... and I can't think of a better arrangement."

"I still think it's a terrible play, but it makes a wonderful rehearsal."

"[taking off layers of clothing] Now I know how Gypsy Rose Lee feels."

"Hello? Room Service. Bring up enough ice to cool a warm body."

""I'd like a license to hunt Wagner. He'd look great next to my moose"."

"Better... Battier... Funnier Than Ever!"

"Paul Harvey — Mr. Smythe"

"Dan Seymour — Prefect of Police Captain Brizzard"