"[angrily] SHUT UP, CHESTER! I HATE YOU! WHEN I BOUGHT THIS CONDO, NO ONE TOLD ME A LITTLE RAT LIKE YOU LIVED NEXT DOOR! I'M SO SICK OF YOUR BARKING! [Finds a watering can and pours water on the dog]"

"Everything here's white. Including my FATHER!"

"Rupert: I'm not on the phone!"

"Ted & Mom: Rupert, get off the phone!"

"[after dreaming of his origins] I'm an Eskimo?!"

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Jack."

"Caroline Dhavernas as Anna"

"David Denman as Lance"

"A.J. Cook as Jenny"

"Flex Alexander as Anthony"

"David Koechner as Stumpy"

"Zach Galifianakis as Luke"

"Willie Garson as Ted Muntz"

"Lee Majors as John Majors"

"Jason London as Rick Rambis"

"Did I ever tell you about the time I invented snowboarding? Ya I don't want credit for it but they keep on giving it to me..."

"I was there. Yeah, it was called the '80s. Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House and FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bummin' in a hole-in-a-wall town in what is now called Utah. Some fella from Colorado shows up, starts making so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets are running with latte's. It got so bad that a fella that liked to, you know... smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster, maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, was "uncouth, against God." More like bad real estate values. Stumpy had to go!"

"[punches Pig Pen] A little sensitivity here. Can't you see this is a dejected man? Now Rick, get your dejected head out of your ass. Papa Muntz wanted you to run this mountain."

"You know I hate what they're doing to the mountain, but this is the best vanilla latte I have ever had. You can actually taste the vanilla beans... I don't like the coffee."

"[Pig Pen wakes up from humping a bench in his sleep] He's had a crush on that bench for years....Did you enjoy your nap?"

"[drunk] There you are, I've been looking for you, come inside, you look so beautiful and I wanted to see if you wanted to dance. [Anna walks up] Not you, him and his white tuxedo."

"Well, yeah it doesn't really allow my dice to roll and by dice I mean testicles. Speaking of testicles, let me get a beer."

"This suit is really cramping my Hardy Boys. It's no mystery."

"No regrets, that's my motto. Well... that and everybody Wang Chung tonight."

"Maybe we should clarify something. When you won the race last night, that made you king of the mountain. Not king of the no-ball-pussy-losers. They already have their own king. My brother."

"Can you get an STD from a polar bear?"

"[girl in bed with him farts on him] Oh, no you didn't."

"Carpe the Diem. Seize The Carp."

"I don't have to take a test to tell you that I take drugs."

"I'm gonna need a bucket, a paint brush and 10 pounds of salt. Lance. Get his pants."

"Welcome to el Matador, Spanish for, The Matador."

"Lewis Arquette as Herbert 'Papa' Muntz"

"Todd Richards as Barry"

"Victoria Silvstedt as Inga"

"Thomas Lennon as Eric Montclare"

"Derek Hamilton as Pig Pen"