"Springtime for Hitler and Germany (two rifle shots) Goosestep's the new step today. (machine-gun fire) Bombs falling from the skies again (explosion) Deutschland is on the rise again! Springtime for Hitler and Germany U-boats are sailing once more. Springtime for Hitler and Germany Means that soon we'll be going to war!"

"Don't be stupid! Be a smartie! Come and join the Nazi Party!"

"I was born in Dusseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf!"

"Springtime for Hitler and Germany Deutschland is happy and gay. We're marching to a faster pace Look out, here comes the master race! Springtime for Hitler and Germany Winter for Poland and France. Springtime for Hitler and Germany Come on, Germans, go into your dance."

"You lousy fruit! You RUINED ME!!"

"Gary Beach - Roger De Bris"

"Bloom, look at me. Look at me, Bloom! Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life. Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm being sunk by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison. [bellowing] HELP!!!"

"How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?"

"That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart."

"That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!"

"How humiliating. Max Bialystock. Max Bialystock. You know who I used to be? Max Bialystock! King of Broadway! Six shows running at once! Lunch at Delmonico's. $200 suits. You see this? This once held a pearl as big as your eye! Look at me now. LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt! I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money in a Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now. [He opens a cabinet with pictures of wealthy, elderly women] Voila! Hundreds of little old ladies stopping off at Max Bialystock's office to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery! [To Leo] You have exactly 10 seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect. One, two... Do the books. Do the books...Window's so filthy, can't tell whether it's day or night out there."

"Go away, go away. You frighten me."

"You're gonna jump on me."

"Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man."

"Max! Please don't say that word again."

"It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting."

"GIMME MY BLUE BLANKET!!!"

"Mr. Bialystock, I cannot FUNCTION under these conditions! [pulls out his blue blanket and hugs it] You're making me extremely nervous."

"Mel Brooks - Hilda the Pigeon, Tom the Cat"

"Richard Kind - Jury Foreman"

"Jim Borstelmann - Scott the Choreographer, Donald Dinsmore/Little Old Lady"

"Jon Lovitz - Mr. Marks"

"Andrea Martin - Kiss Me-Feel Me"

"Debra Monk - Lick Me-Bite Me"

"David Huddleston - Judge"

"Eileen Essell - Hold Me-Touch Me"

"Michael McKean - Prison Trustee"

"Roger Bart - Carmen Ghia"

"Sex. Murder. Mystery. Welcome to the party."

"A bad week in a tough town."

"I sent Harmony home believing A, we'd meet tomorrow to go over her case, and B, I'm not actually gay. Please do not ask me how I did B."

"And that's how she got to the same party as me. Oh shit. I skipped something. Damn it. This whole robot bit. I made a big deal, then I like totally forgot. Fuck, this is bad narrating. Like my dad telling a joke. "Oh, wait back up. I forgot to tell you the cowboy rode a blue horse." Fuck. Anyway, I don't know if you want to see it now, but here's the fucking robot stuff for your viewing pleasure. Can I say "fuck" more?"

"Anyway, by now you may wonder how I wound up here. Or maybe not. Maybe you wonder how silly putty picks shit up from comic books. The point is, I don't see another goddamn narrator, so pipe down."

"Wow, I feel sore. I mean physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1950's."

"Don't worry, I saw Lord of the Rings. I'm not going to end this 17 times."

"I tell him about destiny; he's shaking his head. About dream girls; he doesn't care. I mention the underwear thing? He has a fucking conniption. And you? How 'bout it, filmgoer? Have you solved the case of the - the dead people in L.A.? Times Square audiences, please don't shout at the screen, and stop picking at that, it'll just get worse."

"It was the first time I felt how pitying someone and wanting to fuck them can get all tangled up in your head. Overwhelming sadness, meanwhile you got a Rodney. Is that sick? I think… yeah… I think that's sick."

"[voiceover] I was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club."

"You try my patience. Make your choice."

"Start a new life with me! Buy his freedom with your love! Refuse me and you'll send your lover to his death! This is the choice. This is the point of no return!"

"You alone can make my song take flight. It's over now, the music of the night!"