"Zis man could never play Adolf Hitler! Ze Führer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy! Ze Führer was BUTCH! And zat is not how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'! Zis is how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'!"

"I must tell my birds!"

"I was never a member of the Nazi Party! I only followed orders! I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war on! We lived at the back, near Switzerland. All we heard was yodeling... yodel le he hoo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, Yodelay, Yodelay, Yodelay - WHO ARE YOU!?!"

"Hilda, where are you going? Argentina's that way!"

"[Finding Max and Leo under a desk] You sniveling cowards! Cringing under a desk. Clinging on for life like baby butterflies! I am going to show you how to die like a man! [points gun at self, attempts to shoot three times but is unsuccessful] Boy, when things go wrong. [throws gun on couch, shot fires]"

"Zis is no good! I'm not killing anyone!"

"Stop moving! How can I shoot you if you keep moving?!"

"Broadway! I haven't been zis happy since we crushed Poland!"

"I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock splashes him with a glass of water) ... I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M WET AND I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock then slaps him) ...I'M IN PAIN! I'M IN PAIN AND I'M WET AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL!"

"[Hysterical, as Bialystock is standing over him] You're gonna jump on me! You're gonna jump on me! I know you're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME! [Max jumps in place, screaming "I'm not gonna jump on you - get a hold of yourself!]"

"MY BLUE BLANKET! GIVE ME BACK MY BLUE BLANKET!! AAAAARGH!"

"You were right about one thing. You are a CPA - a certified public asshole!"

"I'm not going into the toilet! I'm going into show business!"

"Stop the world! I wanna get on!"

"Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made a terrible error in judgement. You've mistaken me for someone with a spine."

"[Going hysterical, and pointing at Bialystock] FAT! FAT! FAT-FAT-FATTY-FAT!!!"

"I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!"

"When's it gonna be Bloomsday?"

"And what a day! In the same day I have taken the Siegfried oath, I've danced with a cop, a sailor and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian."

"[to a prisoner in Sing Sing] What are you in for, lack of rhythm?"

"I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa! And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch, in a worn but clean gingham gown... And I hear my mama calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alvin! Alvin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?! I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx! Leo's taken everything... even my past!"

"[reading a postcard] Dear Max, Rio is everything you said it was and more. Ulla and i think of you every chance we get. In the morning, when we have Breakfast on our Terrace, many different Herrings. In the afternoon, we rub each other's sun-drenched bodies with Banana Cream Coconut Oil, Number 15. And then, in the evening, when we samba together in the moonlight.... Sorry, must run, Ulla's waiting. It's almost 11, wish you were here. Your pal, Leo!"

"[with a very high Irish accent] And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country... [normal voice] TAXI!"

"What are you shooting at us for, you teutonic TWIT?!"

"Leo, you are nervous, over-stimulated. GIVE ME THOSE FRIGGIN' BOOKS!"

"We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?"

"Let's get out of here before they kill us."

"[after seeing Franz perform at the auditions] THAT'S OUR HITLER!"

"[After Ulla has painted the entire room white, he goes to the safe with the tax books] ...She painted over the numbers..."

"For once, I would love to see someone on that couch who's under eighty-five!"

"Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!"

"I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you."

"[holding play] Smell it. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it! It's the mother lode..."

"[reading a play] As Gregor Samsa woke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a giant cock-a-roach. [speaking] Nah, too good."

"Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me...Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me... Kiss me feel me, Lick me bite me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu... ah! Hold me touch me!"

"[to Ulla] Even though we're sitting down, we're giving you a standing ovation."

"Please make audition - make audition allll over the office."

"Dear Lord... I want that money!"

"There's a lot more to you than there is to you! [mouthed] What the fuck?"

"[To Leo] Well, you know what they say: "smile and the world smiles with you." [to bust] This man should be in a straightjacket!"

"Barney Martin - Goring"

"Dick Shawn - Lorenzo St. DuBois (L.S.D.)"

"David Patch - Goebbels"

"Andreas Voutsinas - Carmen Ghia"

"William Hickey - The drunk"

"Lee Meredith - Ulla"