"Stage Doorman: [looking out into the darkened, empty theater] Shhh! Hear that noise? That's the rats - always performing! If I left this scenery here, they'd eat it up - eat the whole theater up if it wasn't for the actors! The hollering frightens them."

"John Qualen - Charles Engle"

"I'm pretending there's something swell about you. This delusion came over me while we were dancing. You know, when you look into a girl's eyes and you think you see someone that isn't there... well that's what I saw."

"Oh, if only I had my slave costume and my chains!"

"[on the telephone] Hello, Dutch? Bill O'Brien! Say listen, I'm over at the Pigeon Club takin' in the sights, and, uh, I ran into somethin' that I thought might be of mutual interest to us. An out-of-town job came shoo-shooing in here a while ago and throwin' away money like birdseed."

"[seeing a waiter put two drinks on the table] Fine, fine! I no longer have to order drinks. I just attract them. He shall have liquor wherever he goes! [to Engle] As I understand from your communication, Mr. Engle, you're on the brink of self-destruction. May I shake your hand? A brilliant idea! I speak as one who has destroyed himself a score of times. I am, Mr. Engle, a veteran corpse. We are all corpses here! This rendezvous is one of the musical graveyards of the town. Caters to zombies hopping around with dead hearts and price tags for souls. Hmmmp! [offering him one of the drinks] Will you join me, sir? It is the custom here for the dead to drink - heavily! [drinks] Allow me to present my credentials as a fellow cadaver. I'm being divorced by my wife whom I love dearly in my own nasty way. I was disemboweled by another woman. I have written three bad plays in a row, and next year I'll write a worse one. I have neither a home, a single hope, nor a shred of curiosity left. Bankrupt and broke, I've destroyed myself, sir, in becoming famous. I am no longer a man, Mr. Engle, I'm an epitaph over an ash can! And now, sir, what's your story?"

"[to Bill O'Brien] I'll remember this night for a long time. When things don't seem so good, I'll remember Mr. Gibbons, and Mr. Engle... and you."

"[last lines] The moral of the story is, don't try to steal no 18 karats from no rabbit."

"[after Canasta steals the gold] You realize that this is not going to go unchallenged."

"[after he hits a rock] Ouch! Wow! What a bump!"

"Eat her fucking face off, Martha!"

"[Scott and Kate hold up their weapons to intimidate a bad driver] Wrong couple to fuck with, pal!"

"Are you guys familiar with the cliché, "It's a cliché because it's true? Well, that cliché about clichés being true has never been more true than right now with the cliché, the house always wins.""

"Will Ferrell - Scott Johansen"

"Rory Scovel - Joe Mayweather"

"Cedric Yarbrough - Reggie Henderson"

"A hilarious high-stakes jackpot!"

"Michaela Watkins - Raina Theodrakis"

"Andrea Savage - Laura"

"Andy Buckley - Craig"

"Jeremy Renner - Tommy Papouli"

"Wayne Federman - Chip Dave"

"Gillian Vigman - Becky"

"Sebastian Maniscalco - Stand-Up Comic"

"Alexandra Daddario - Corsica"

"Linda Porter - Old Lady"

"Lennon Parham - Martha"

"Rob Huebel - Police Officer Chandler"

"Sam Richardson - Marty"

"Randall Park - Buckler"

"Steve Zissis - Carl Shackler"

"Kyle Kinane - Kevin Garvey"

"Nick Kroll - Bob Schaeffer"

"Jessie Ennis - Rachel"

"Allison Tolman - Dawn Mayweather"

"Ian Roberts - Driver at College Campus"

"Jessica St. Clair - Reba"

"Ryan Simpkins - Alex Johansen"

"Jason Mantzoukas - Frank Theodorakis"

"Amy Poehler - Kate Johansen"

"Melora Walters - Jimmy's Girl"

"Philip Baker Hall - Sydney Brown"

"John C. Reilly - John Finnegan"

"Samuel L. Jackson - Jimmy"

"Gwyneth Paltrow - Clementine"

"Never ignore a man's courtesy."

"I will fuck you up if you fuck with me, OK? I know three kinds of Karate: Jujitsu, Aikido, and regular Karate."

"When good luck is a long shot, you have to hedge your bets."