40 quotes found
"The Tube is Civilization!"
"My humiliating victory over you is just water under the shattered bridge of your crushing defeat."
"Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation will feature proprietary Fractal Boob Juggling technology, allowing for real-time melon manipulation... They will cast soft-edged shadows and use inverse nippomatics."
"I wouldn't call this a computer. Nope, this is more of a "Rabid Wolverine.""
"Gabe, sometimes in order to hurt someone very badly, you have to tell that person terrible lies."
"Some people play tennis, I erode the human soul."
"I'll stab you in the mouth. That's a new one, huh? You ever been stabbed in there?"
"Let's go pound some nails through our dicks."
"Check his flower pot. Check his flower pot for gay porn. We desperately need those new dresses."
"Don't say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I've been polite. If you say anything else - word one - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth."
"Just... Don't talk anymore. You're like the Dalai Lama of fucking retards."
"(talking about a child's belief in Santa Claus) It's a beautiful lie, one he wants to believe, given to him by someone he trusts. It's the same reason you believe in God really."
"There are a lot of things you can eat that aren't food."
"Getting dark... vision fading.. tell John Romero I love her..."
"I don't know why they call them "Chip Clips." I mean, everyone just puts 'em on their wang. Why don't they just call them "Wang Clips" or "Wang Hangers" or something?"
"Okay, smartass - if this is Football, where is all the ice?"
"(making his pitch to a bunch of executives) Gentlemen, I've got something of a proposition for you. I'm giving you a golden opportunity to invest...In my wang. I've been offering it privately for quite a while, and we're looking at an Initial Pubic Offering near the end of the summer. (they all leave) Come back! My wang has serious growth potential!"
"(laying in bed, thinking) I wonder… Am I a genius? (sniffs hand) My hand smells kinda like poop."
"Lord God, give me the strength to destroy these men."
"On the one hand, I deeply value my beanbag. On the other hand, I love Tribes 2 and routinely make very poor decisions... Oh, right in the Mean Bean Machine!"
"Let me tell you what I just realized. In order for me to have everything I want, you're going to have to give up some things."
"Yes, but I do read Lesbonese."
"I wish I could hate you to death!"
"Div: On a scale of one to ten, I'm soooo drunk."
"Div: That's a cute little dolphin! Does your husband play video games?"
"Div: Oops! Was that a brick?"
"Div: Somebody call Guinness. I'm about to go from zero to drunk in twenty dollars."
"A parody of Scott McCloud: Now let's take a comic like Sandwich Shoppe — Divide their forty thousand readers in half, and multiply that by sweet, bee-fresh honey. That's a hojillion dollars! Now, subtract three vanilla wafers to pay the Billy Goats Gruff, and you've got a hundred kabillion million dollars!"
"Frank: There I was - pitch black, alone! It was the Devil's birthday in Cambodia, and I was bare-assed and hopped up on some jungle mushroom."
"The Merch: I fucked your dad! [http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2005/12/30"
"Annarchy: (defending her pink, pony-decorated computer case) What I carry in this box is your utter subjugation."
"Flight Captain: Gooood afternoon from the cockpit, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain, Captain Steve. We're looking at abooouuut three hours down to San Diego, today, we're expecting a smooooth flight, I have turned off the fasten seat belts sign and you are free to move about the cabin. I have a ball of heroin about the size of a monkey's fist jammed straight up my asshole. Beautiful weather down there, clear skies, and seventy eight degrees..."
"Jesus Christ: (when asked by Gabe if the Revolution is "cool") I wouldn't say it's "cool," exactly. It's true that the cyber-ape revolution of 2014 does usher in a new ice age, and humanity will certainly feel the chill as they are driven underground. Heat miners will eke out a living, tapping the Earth's molten core for precious warmth."
"Jesus Christ: (throwing up the horns during a game with Gabe) WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Jesus Christ: (descending in glory from Heaven) Hey guys. No, relax! I'm not staying. I heard you guys are frying Twinkies now. I had to get in on that."
"Emperor Palpatine I hope many Bothans died to bring us this information."
"Penny Arcade reader: Is that supposed to be Gabe? It looks like a hedgehog fucking a cantaloupe."
"The Cardboard Tube Samurai: Will you face me? This tube goes by many names, some you are worthy to hear. The Waking-Dragon, coiled, as spring dawns. Hawk's-Harvest, seizing prey in the tall summer grass. Autumn-Razor, the patient hunter. The Famine-Of-Winter, that kills the babe at its mother's empty breast. So, will you face me? I, who hold the very reins of the world?"
"Randy Pinkwood: A new study shows links between videogames and violence. Or something. You know, whatever. Another report, released from my pants just moments ago, has deemed my wang "massive," "sturdy," and "fearsome." Ladies, I'm talking to you."
"Randy Pinkwood: In entertainment news, it was revealed that the Doom movie does not take place on Mars, and features no hell demons. When asked for comment, script author David Callahan made the sound of a Choo-Choo train, suggesting that all present "get aboard." In other news, look out for the Metroid movie, about a rowdy team of baseball players who discover the true meaning of Christmas from a cowboy robot angel. Also, critics are giving my penis "Four Stars." Debbie in the mailroom calls it a "thrilling ride," with a "surprise ending" that will leave you breathless."