"[Poppy has just walked into head girl, Harriet] There is an hierarchy in this school, teacher, prefects, scholars, dogs, vermin, Americans; Kate see to that she falls in line!"

"I don't fit in with everybody else."

"What is this place? Hogwarts?"

"Welcome to Malibu, biatch!"

"I didn't start it, it wasn't my fault, and if this were America, I would sue."

"Rob Schneider as Prince Habeeboo (uncredited)"

"James Earl Jones as The Narrator/Himself (uncredited)"

"Elliot Cho as Ping Woo"

"Michelle Lombardo as Linda"

"Emilio Cast as Michael at 10 years old"

"Sid Ganis as Dr. Bergman"

"Carolyn Hennesy as Kathy O'Doyle"

"Jana Kramer as Julie Newman"

"Rachel Dratch as Alice / Alan"

"Nick Swardson as Bed Bath & Beyond employee guy"

"Cameron Monaghan as Kevin O'Doyle"

"Tatum McCann as Samantha "Sam" Newman"

"Joseph Castanon as Benjamin "Ben" Newman"

"Sophie Monk as Stacey"

"Jennifer Coolidge as Janine"

"Sean Astin as Bill"

"Julie Kavner as Trudy Newman"

"Henry Winkler as Theodore "Ted" K. Newman"

"David Hasselhoff as Johnny "John" Ammer"

"Christopher Walken as Morty"

"Kate Beckinsale as Donna Newman"

"Adam Sandler as Michael "Mike" Newman"

"What If You Had A Universal Remote... That Controlled Your Universe?"

"[Morty reveals to Michael that he is an "angel of death" and that it was his father's time] You bastard. [loses control of his rage and tries to attack him, only to grab nothing and fall]"

"[having seen that what happened was just a dream, he makes amends with his family and prepares for their Fourth of July vacation, but sees the remote in the kitchen and reads an attached letter] Like I said, '"Good guys need a break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S.: Your wife's rocking body still drives me crazy.' Okay, Morty. [disposes of the universal remote in the trash bin, and this time it does not reappear]"

"[after seeing his non-auto-pilot self yell at his father] You're pathetic."

"[tinkers with the remote while looking at the rearview mirror] You look like pale there, pal. Let me fix that. [changes his skin color to yellow] You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain. [picks green] Grr.. Don't get the Hulk angry. You won't like him when he's angry. Raaaahrrr! [to purple] Oh, there's Barney. [spoof Barney theme] I love you, you love me. The jogger had giant boobies."

"[as Joe arrives] Thank God it's Friday!"

"And if I may a toast... to Granny Mundy: may you live as long as you want but never want as long as you live."

"Nina Arvesen as Lady Motor Cop"

"Juliana Donald as the Zookeeper"

"Lenka Peterson as Granny Mundy"

"Bruce Gray as Mayor Peter Parvin"

"[First Lines; narrating] This is the city, Los Angeles, California, interfacing humanity, representing every race, color, creed, and persuasion, that God, no matter how he is worshipped, chose, in His infinite wisdom, to deposit here, in the cultural nexus of the Pacific Rim. Almost 4 million people work and play here, and like any other place anywhere, there are those who have it and those who want it. Those who have it, enjoy it, no matter how they got it. Those who want it, can get it by attempting to better themselves in a sympathetic community populated by decent citizens cheering them on. Or else, they can try to take it the easy way. Because even in the City of Angels, from time to time, some halos slip. That's where I come in, doing my job to the best of my ability on a daily basis. I'm Joe Friday. I work here. I carry a badge."