"You will drown in a river of blood. The end of days is here. You will quiver in the shadow of Kingdom Come. Judgement Day is upon you. The Apocalypse is NIGH!"

"I'm gonna titty-fuck you, Seth. [Seth Rogen: DON'T TITTY-FUCK ME!] What are they, big B's or small C's? I'm gonna push your titties together. PUSH 'EM TOGETHER!"

"Something, um, not that chill happened last night."

"Welcome to Heaven, motherfuckers."

"If a huge earthquake happens, who do they rescue first? Actors. They'll get Clooney, Sandra Bullock, me. If there's room, you guys will come."

"Dear God, I'd like to pray for a second. It's me, Jonah Hill...from Moneyball."

"Nothing ruins a party like the end of the world"

"This is no dream! This is really happening! NO!"

"Dallas: That's a myth. With a good commercial lubricant we could go for hours."

"Taste the evil. Taste the fun."

"Nico: I never knew vampires could do sex."

"They're ridding the world of Bloodsuckers"

"Welcome to Transylvania in the Hollywood hills."

"Melissa McCarthy - Cassie"

"Lela Loren - Female Officer"

"Justin Bartha - Doug Billings"

"John Goodman - Marshall"

"Jeffrey Tambor - Sid Garner"

"Gillian Vigman - Stephanie Wenneck"

"Zach Galifianakis - Alan Garner"

"Ken Jeong - Leslie Chow"

"Jamie Chung - Lauren Price"

"Heather Graham - Jade"

"Bradley Cooper - Phil Wenneck"

"Ed Helms - Dr. Stuart "Stu" Price"

"Mike Epps - Black Doug"

"Carolyn Seymour - Grace Shelley"

"Michael Bryant - Dr. Herder"

"Harry Andrews - Ralph Gurney, the 13th Earl of Gurney"

"Upper-class excrement! You wanna do me dirt, just because I know too much. I know that one percent of the population owns half the property in this country. And that vomiting one percent wants kosher killing, hung up so the blue blood drains out slow and easy. So, comrades, come rally and the last fight let us face. The international army unites the human race. [singing] I'm only a strolling vagabond So good night, pretty maiden, good night."

"Peter O'Toole - Jack Gurney, the 14th Earl of Gurney"

"Yes, he's a nutcase. Most of these titled fleabags are. Rich nobs and priveleged arseholes can afford to be bonkers. They're living in a dreamworld, aren't they, sir? Life's made too easy for 'em. They don't have to earn a livin', so they do just what they want to."

"Alastair Sim - Bishop Lampton"

"My noble lords, the strong must manipulate the weak! That's the first law of the universe. The hard survive, the soft quickly turn to corruption. This is a call to greatness! Approach this day out to battle against your enemies. Let not your hearts faint, fear not and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified because of them. For the Lord your God is He that goeth with you - to fight for you against your enemies to save you. And mine eyes shall not spare, neither will I have pity. I will recompense them according to their ways and their abominations that are in the midst of them. And they shall know that I am the lord that smiteth!"

"[after electro-shock therapy] Deformed, unfinished, sent before my time into this breeding world. I'm cured of fantasy obsessions, paranoid delusions. I master words. 'I' - straighten up there. 'AM' - close up with 'I' - you horrible little word. 'GOD.' I AM GOD. Not the god of love, but God Almighty. I massacred the Amalekites and the Seven Nations of Canaan. I hacked Agag to pieces and blasted the barren fig tree, for the day of vengeance is in my heart! You lunar jackass, she betrayed you. Guilty, guilty, guilty. The punishment is death. I've finally been processed. They made me adjust to modern times. This is 1888, isn't it? I'm Jack, Cunning Jack, Quiet Jack. Jack whose sword never sleeps. Hats off, I'm Jack. Not the good shepherd, not the prince of peace. I'm red Jack, spring-heeled Jack, Jack from Hell. Trade name: Jack the Ripper! [He produces a knife, flicks it open, and slashes at a bag of flour] Mary, Annie, Elizabeth, Catherine, Alice, Mary Kelly. [singing] 'Six little whores, glad to be alive. One sidles up to Jack, and then there are five.'"

"William Mervyn - Sir Charles"

"Come, doctor, you said he needed a harsh dose of reality. Well, you can't get a harder dose of the stuff than marriage."

"Sometimes God turns His back on His people and breaks wind. And the stench clouds the globe!"

"Coral Browne - Lady Claire Gurney"