Deadpool (film)

"[while singing along to Shoop by Salt-N-Pepa, he notices the camera] What–oh! Oh hello. I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Polverine." And let me tell you, [In an Australian accent] he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. [normally] Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix, and–oh! Bad guys to kill!"

"[while fighting Francis' goons on the highway] I'm looking for-[snaps one's neck] Francis! [in the front seat, he holds the crayon drawing from earlier] Have you seen this man? [his head is grabbed and bashed against the radio, changing the stations] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

"I’m just a bad guy paid to fuck up worse guys."

"[to Vanessa, who is grabbing the testicles of a man who made a pass at her] Hey, hey! Hakuna his tatas."

"Maximum effort!"

"[in the middle of a fight] Ssssshit. Did I leave the stove on?"

"[after a gunfight where he kills a bunch of henchmen with just 12 bullets, he brings the barrels to his nose and inhales the smell of gunpowder] Ahhhhhhhhh. I'm touching myself tonight."

"[losing bullets] 10! Shit! 9! Fuck! 8! Shit-fuck!"

"You're clowning... you're not clowning? I sense clowns."

"[Tries to shoot a motorcycle-riding goon, and fails] Bad Deadpool. [casually] 7. [shoots a wounded goon dead] Good Deadpool."

"[to a thug who has run out of ammo] Someone's not counting. [shoots him] Six."

"A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break. That's, like, sixteen walls!"

"[Walks by Blind Al and farts] Hashtag, "#driveby.""

"And please don't make the super suit green. Or animated!"

"[to Vanessa] Listen, we both know that cancer is a shitshow. Like a "Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair" shitshow. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the Ghost of Christmas Me."

"I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent."

"[before a montage where he asks Ajax's hench-people where he is, and kills them when they don't answer] This shit's gonna have nuts in it!"

"[to one of Francis' goons] I'm not gonna ask twice; where is Francis? [cut to Wade stabbing his knife through the picture on the corkboard] He made me ask twice. [pulls of mask] Is the mask muffling my voice?"

"You're about to be killed... by a Zamboni!"

"[when entering a taxi cab] And we all know how this turned out. [scene fast-forwards VHS-like past the fighting scene, up to Wade Wilson on a bed, masturbating with a toy unicorn in his free hand] Whoops! Heh, you weren't meant to see that! [scene fast-forwards all the way to where the actual movie left off with Deadpool lying in a pile of garbage in a truck] There. All caught up."

"[to a henchwoman] This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real [cocks his pistol] blurry!"

"TELL ME WHERE YOUR FUCKING BOSS IS, OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE! [we see how slowly the Zamboni is moving; he's actually about half the rink away from his victim] IN FIVE MINUTES!"

"[puts a red-hot car cigarette lighter onto henchman's forehead, then shoves it into the henchman's mouth] I've never said this, but don't swallow."

"You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. [Points to a henchman] This guy's got the right idea! He wore the brown pants."

"[after skewering and lifting a henchman with his katanas] You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kebab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is: a love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex…"

"[after successfully killing a henchman and puts his katanas away] Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?"

"[to Colossus] Listen! The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker, on THAT DAY... I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request! 'Till then, I'mma do what I came here to do. Either that, or slap the bitch outta you!"

"All the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex! [after breaking both of his wrists trying to punch Colossus, causing his hands to flop around and resemble T-Rex arms]"

"You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. [Saws his hand off to escape from being handcuffed to Colossus] [Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [notices Wade cutting his arm off; disgusted] Oh, my God. Nasty.] [blood splats on Colossus' face] Oh, there's the money shot, baby. [Colossus gags in disgust] [looks at camera] "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret". [He finally finishes cutting off his hand, and jumps off into an oncoming dump truck below, leaving his severed hand on the handcuff, giving the middle finger to Colossus.]"

"[before the final battle with Ajax] Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas!"

"Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say… it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."

"[after realizing he forgot his guns; he tries calling the cab driver, but gets his voicemail instead] [angrily] Goddammit! [calmly] Looks like I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way: with two swords, [cricks neck] and maximum effort. Cue the music."

"[Sees Angel Dust preparing to jump down] Superhero landing! She's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it! [Angel Dust jumps down and lands in a crouch on one knee with a fist on the ground, Iron Man-style] [Claps] Wooo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it."

"[after landing, Angel Dust toward Deadpool] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him. [sends Colossus to face Angel Dust] [Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...] [Angel Dust effortlessly knocks him away] I mean... that's why I brought... her? [looks at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is texting on her phone, holding up the index finger in her free hand so Deadpool will wait] Oh no, finish your tweet. It's not... It's not fa... Just give us a second. There ya go, hashtag it. [she throws her phone to Deadpool] Go get 'em, tiger. [Negasonic Teenage Warhead rushes and triggers her powers, which burn off her coat as she tackles Angel Dust into a container] Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom-sex."

"[during the gunfight at the abandoned Helicarrier] Look away, child. [N.T.W. doesn't [angrily] LOOK AWAY! [N.T.W. does, and Deadpool pulls his underwear out from his suit's crotch, groaning in pain]"

"[voiceover; while he and Vanessa kiss passionately] See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. There we go, that looks nice. It's gonna be about the only thing that's pullin' out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singin', ♪ I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, oh-oh. ♪"

"[in a post-credits scene, Wade walks by an empty hallway before noticing the camera] You're still here? It's over. Go home. Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What were you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go. Go. [He walks away. Credits resume. Cut back to Deadpool] Oh. But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret: For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren... Keira Knightley- she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret. Shh. Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. [walks away, pops his head back in] Chicka chi-kaah! [End of film]"

"[From trailer] I've played a lot of roles. "Damsel-in-distress" ain't one of them!"

"[after Wade's diagnosis] I just realized something: You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine."

"[seeing Deadpool's scarred face for the first time] After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face…I'd be happy to sit on."

"I was a patient here once myself, you know. The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Angel inhumanly strong. In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. In fact, I no longer feel anything."

"This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we're going to have to make you suffer. If you're lucky, your mutant genes will activate and manifest in spectacular fashion. If not, well, we'll have to keep hurting you. In new and different ways, each more painful than the last. Until you finally mutate. Or die."

"You know the funniest part of all this? You still think we're making you a superhero. You, a dishonorable discharge, hip-deep in hookers? You're nothing. Little secret, Wade: this workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who knows what they'll have you do? Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters... maybe just mow the occasional lawn."

"[repeated line] What's my name?"

"Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up, or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut?"

"You don't wanna kill me. I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug!"

"Fucking Wade Wilson. Suppose I'd wear a mask, too, if I had a face like that. I only wish I'd heal the same."

"Oh, and that guy over there came in looking for you. Real "Grim Reaper" type. I dunno, might further the plot."

"Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise."

"[To Ajax and Angel Dust, when they leave his bar] You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? Enjoy your midnight showing of Blade II."