"Rhonda Deane: All I care about is getting out of the Vista View apartments, because there ain't no 'vista', there ain't no "view", and there certainly ain't no vista of no view."

"Ron Eldard - Officer Gore"

"Bradley Whitford - Randy"

"Richard Venture - W.R. Slade"

"Gabrielle Anwar - Donna"

"James Rebhorn - Mr. Trask"

"Chris O'Donnell - Charlie Simms"

"Al Pacino - Lt. Col. Frank Slade"

"I called an open meeting of this institution this morning because the incident that occurred this Tuesday last describes an issue that concerns all of us. Not an isolated case of vandalism, what happened is a symptom of a sickness in this society. A sickness which runs counter to the principles this school was founded on. A school among whose graduates, two have sat behind the desk in the Oval Office, in the White House. Baird men have run state departments, investment houses. Founded department stores, coached football teams. Our alumni receive their bulletins in ashrams in India and in palaces in Jordan: we are, in fact, known around the world as the cradle of this country's leadership. A beacon to the nations. But today, we are bleeding from disrespect. Blatant disrespect. Disrespect for our values, and disrespect for our standards. A disrespect for the Baird tradition. And, as the custodians of that tradition, we are here today to protect each other from those who threaten it."

"Women! What could you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a fuckin' genius. The hair... they say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips... and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways. What's between 'em... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Simms, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: pussy. Hah! Are you listenin' to me, son? I'm givin' ya pearls here."

"J.A. Preston — Magistrate"

"Jorge Luis Ramos — General Armando's Translator"

"Sunshine Logroño — General Armando"

"Meadow Sisto — Caroline Harvey"

"Benjamin Salisbury — Benjamin Harvey"

"Mary Kay Place — Katherine Harvey"

"Martin Short — Martin Harvey"

"Kurt Russell — Captain Ron"

"[Captain Ron has left Martin at the wheel to pilot the boat alone. His wife comes and stands next to him] Isn't this great? Look at this! Open ocean, uncharted islands... Who knows what's waiting for us out there? Come here. [hugs his wife] Log entry: Day two. The adventure begins! What a thrill it is to be leaving the turmoil of civilization behind us!"

"A diesel loves her oil same as a sailor loves rum."

"Hey! Uh, leg feels a lot better now, boss. I always been a fast healer, you know. 'Course I believe in Jesus, so that helps."

"[after losing his glass eye] It never did fit anyway. Guess you gotta get 'em custom made."

"Alright, that's more like it, now you're talking! You can do it, mates! I've never seen such sailors. Not in all my born days, I ain't. Naturals! My God, everyone of you, naturals... [beat; to himself] We're gonna fucking die!"

"Philip Seymour Hoffman - George Willis, Jr."

"A Comedy About An Overwhelming Underachiever."

"There's A New Name For Dumb."

"To Inherit His Family's Fortune, Billy Is Going Back To School...Way Back!"

"Billy Madison's Going Back To School...Way Back!"

"What do I care about some stupid, phony wrestling guy?"

"[after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house; drunkenly] Oh. I see what's going' on in here. [the penguin waves at him] So sorry to interrupt! [turns to Veronica] Proceed!"

"[drunk] You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!"

"[to the female high-school classmate] No, I will not make out with you! [laughs] Did you hear that?! This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what! All she's talking about is making out with me! I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!"

"Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?"

"[after Ernie hangs up the phone] YOU BLEW IT!!"

"You know I like Snack Pack, why can't you just GIVE ME A SNACK PACK?!?!"

"JUST DO IT!!"

"[to the little kid who's eating chocolate pudding] I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh? [the little kid smiles and nods] Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? [the little kid smiles and shakes his head] You know how badly I could beat you, right? [the kid keeps smiling and nods]"

"[at the dodgeball period] Now you're all in big, big trouble!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ms. Lippy. The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think: 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!"

"[singing] Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to...school. [the bus approaches] Well, here goes nothin'. [but the bus drives right passed him]"