"I've been trying since we got divorced to find the right woman for him, somebody to match up with his personality. I'm beginning to wonder if the world population isn't too limited."

"Bob, calm your denial mechanism."

"I say give them an opportunity to decorate their own cells with their personal interior decorator."

"Honey! Bring down a copy of my will... and an eraser!"

"It's like Noel Coward... with hockey!"

"I never believed in God. No, I didn't even as a little kid. I remember this. I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him."

"How did I end up with a kid on the other end of the political spectrum? How did I fail?"

"You're going to major in Journalism or Law. Not Rowing."

"There was a moment there when I stroked when I should have hickeyed."

"I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier."

"In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee."

"It's all right! She just swallowed a little jewelry, enjoy your dinners."

"Rapper: Yo check it I'm through with love / I'm through with all you muthafuckas."

"Laura: Please, no humiliating schemes."

"[narrating her story with Simon during the interrogation] I wanted to do something outrageous and it felt really good, to be needed, and to be trusted. It's just there's so much I want to do with this life and it feels like I haven't done any of it. And you know, the sand's running out of the hourglass, and I want to look back and say, [teary-eyed, points to wall] 'See, I did that, that was me, I was reckless and I was wild, and I fucking did it!' Frankly, I don't give a shit if you understand that or not."

"You're fired! [while launching a Sidewinder missile, from which Salim Abu Aziz is hanging]"

"When he said I do, he never said what he did."

"You know what? I'm sick of being in the van. You guys can be in the van next time. I've been in the van for 15 years, Harry..."

"[making his videotaped message to the United States] You have murdered our women, and our children, and bombed our cities from afar, like cowards, and you dare to call us terrorists? Now, we have the ability to strike back at our enemies. Unless you, America, pull all military forces out of the Persian Gulf area, immediately, and forever, Crimson Jihad will rain fire on one major US city each week, until our demands are met. First, we will detonate one nuclear weapon on this uninhabited island as a demonstration of our power. Crimson Jihad's willingness to be humanitarian. However, if these demands are not met, Crimson Jihad will rain fire on one major American city each week."

"Bill Paxton — Simon"

"Tom Arnold — Albert Gibson"

"Jamie Lee Curtis — Helen Tasker"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger — Harry Tasker"

"let me hear that dirty word Socialism."

"Have a drink, Murphy. Live your life."

"All we need is a voluntary, free-spirited, open-ended program of procreative racial deconstruction. Everybody just gotta keep fuckin' everybody 'til they're all the same color."

"To understand this man -- [points at a Negro Panelist] you must know that historically there are two kinds of slaves. House Negroes and Field Negroes. The house Negro lived in the big house; he dressed pretty good; he ate pretty good and he loved the master. Yeah, he loved him more than the master loved himself. If the master's house caught fire, he'd be the first to put the blaze out. If the master got sick, he'd say: "What's a matter, boss; we sick?" We sick! If someone said to him, "Let's run away and escape. Let's separate." He'd say, "Man, are you crazy? What's better than what I got here?" That was the House Negro. In those days he was called the House Nigger. Well, that's what we call them today because we still got a lot of House Niggers running around."

"Quentin Tarantino – Pick-up Guy"

"Cheech Marin – Short Bartender"

"Albert Michel – Quino"

"Carlos Gallardo – Campa"

"Abraham Verduzco – Niño"

"Danny Trejo – Navajas"

"Angel Aviles – Zamira"

"Tito Larriva – Tavo"

"Carlos Gómez – Right Hand"

"Joaquim de Almeida – Bucho"

"Steve Buscemi – Buscemi"

"Salma Hayek – Carolina"

"Antonio Banderas – El Mariachi"

"When the smoke clears, it just means he's reloading."

"He came back to settle the score with someone. Anyone. EVERYONE."

"Bucho: [customers enter a bar littered with corpses] Can't you people see that we are fucking closed?"

"Short Bartender: Bad beer, bad service. Don't people know not to come in here?"

"Pick-up guy: This reminds me of a joke. This guy, he comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you 300 dollars that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single solitary drop." The bartender says—now, one more time, this glass is like a good ten feet away—he says, "Now, wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You're trying to tell me you're gonna bet me 300 dollars that you can piss, standing over here, waaay over there, into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" The guy looks up smiling and says, "That's right." The bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet!" The guy says, "Okay, here we go, here we go." He pulls out his thang. He's looking at the glass, man, he's thinking about the glass, he's thinking about the glass, he thinks, "Glass," he's thinking of the glass, thinks, "Glass," thinking about his dick. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. Be the glass. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. And then, swooosh. He lets it rip! And he's... he's pissing all over the place, man! He's pissing on the bar... he's pissing on the stools, on the floor, on the phone... on the bartender... he's pissing everywhere except the fucking glass! Right. Okay, so, bartender, he's laughing his fucking ass off, he's 300 dollars richer. He's like, "Ha ha ha ha." Piss dripping off his face. "Ha ha ha ha." He says, "You fucking idiot, man. You pissed in everything except the glass! You owe me 300 dollars, puta." And he goes, "Excuse me just one, one second." Goes in the back of the bar, and in the back there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them... comes back to the bar and goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, three." And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost 300 dollars, you idiot." The guy says, "Well, you see those guys over there? I just bet them 500 dollars apiece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you be not mad about it... you'd be happy.""

"[To El Mariachi] You know, one of these days you're gonna lie down too hard on that bed and blow your brains out."

"Now, I wasn't interested in his drink. Nope, I was more interested in what he was carrying when he walked in. Some sort of a suitcase, kind of heavy. He sat that thing on the stool beside him as if it were his girl."

"[Comes back for the guitar-case of weapons that he just threw away] Just in case. It's a long ride to the next town."

"Let's play..."