"Matthew Kidman. I will always remember... The three legs of the tripod. My business partner. My student advisor. The next Einstein. Eli's calling card. Klitz's big debut. My own scholarship to Georgetown. And of course, I'll never forget the girl next door. As for me, I'm just going with it."

"Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber? It's funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically [mumbling] being a fucking boy scout. But lately I've been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your future, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That's what moral fiber's all about."

"[after Kelly gives him ectasy] Oh my God, am I gonna die?!?"

"Amanda Swisten — April"

"Sung Hi Lee — Ferrari"

"Nicholas Downs — Bob"

"Donna Bullock — Mrs. Kidman"

"Timothy Bottoms — Mr. Kidman"

"Paul Dano — Klitz"

"Chris Marquette — Eli"

"James Remar — Hugo Posh"

"Timothy Olyphant — Kelly"

"Elisha Cuthbert — Danielle/Athena"

"Emile Hirsch — Matthew Kidman"

"Matt never saw her coming... but all his friends had!"

"April: [to Klitz] I know this isn't professional, but I think you're really cute."

"Hugo Posh's Parrot: ' Cradle the balls!"

"[Upon observing the cheerleaders and football players] Man, there is some talent here. You get those girls together with those assbags right there and shoot 'em humping at, like, a football game or at a prom, that video would sell - Fuck, I'm good! How do I get these ideas? It's like a gift, you know? It's like I can't control it."

"You wanna be president? Lemme tell you the first rule of politics; Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze. You know what that means? It means you don't steal my girl unless you're ready to accept the consequences."

"[When some high school girls like the idea that Kelly has weed] Hey, you know who's got the killer bud? [hits Klitz] This fucker right here. [Kelly gives Klitz a Ziplock bag filled with Marijuana and suddenly the girls are interested in him]"

"I just gotta fuck something."

"God, I just wanna bang hot chicks!"

"Amy Smart — Beth Wagner"

"Frank Welker — Acrocanthosaurus"

"Tom Green — Barry Manilow"

"DJ Qualls — Kyle Edwards"

"Paulo Costanzo — Rubin Carver"

"Seann William Scott — E.L."

"Breckin Meyer — Josh Parker"

"Corky the Dog: Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes... Right now."

"Rubin: It's supposed to be a challenge, it's a shortcut! If it were easy it would just be the way."

"Beth: Are there any guys out there who are JUST NORMAL?"

"Jacob: [Text on his T-shirt] "God is awesome.""

"Grandpa Manilow: You gonna pass that doobie?"

"Corky the Dog: Hey, Old man... I got the fuckin' munchies real bad... what about you?"

"Barry, hit the lights. It's boner time!"

"Did I say two fingers? Better make that three."

"Hey, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope could jump this in his golf cart. See, watch, I can spit across it."

"Did you kill a cheetah?"

"Yep. I'd give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping."

"You're already cheating! Anytime you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself. Think about it Josh, you're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day."

"Austin? Austin, Massachusetts?"

"[singing] Tiny salmon swimming in a stream / Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream / The mynah bird says, "Caw. Ca-Caw" / The chimpanzee says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" / The friendly owl says, "Hoo, hoo-hoo" / But the salmon can only say, "Bloobloobloobloo. Blooboloobloobloo. Blooboloobolooooo-Blooblooo-Bloobloobloo." / And it's sad."

"[attempts to convince the snake to eat a mouse] Unleash the fury!"

"Trent Ford - Ed Mitchell"

"Laura Halvorson - Beef Band fiddle player"

"Ashley Blake - Megan"

"Amy Bradford - French airplane passenger (uncredited)"

"Haley Ramm - young Starla Grady (uncredited)"