portal-series

"The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less harmful deadly poison."

"Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school naked and have their teeth fall out."

"Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans."

"The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty."

"At some point in their lives, one in six children will be abducted by the Dutch."

"To make a photocopier, simply photocopy a mirror."

"Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis."

"Humans can survive underwater. But not for very long."

"The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting."

"(I feel sorry for you, really, because you're not even in the right place.) You should have turned left before. It's funny, actually, when you think about it. Someday we'll remember this and laugh... and laugh... and laugh. Oh boy. Well, you may as well come on back."

"You're not a good person. You know that, right? Good people don't end up here. Can you hear me?"

"This is your fault. It didn't have to be like this. I'm not kidding now. Turn back or I will kill you. I'm going to kill you, and all the cake is gone. You don't even care, do you? This is your last chance."

"[During these quotes, the screens behind GlaDOS, show images that sometimes match with what is said.] [Upon entering the Main Hall] Well you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behaviour, the only thing you've managed to break so far, is my heart. Maybe you could settle for that and we'll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn't going to happen. You chose this path. Now I have a surprise for you. Deploying surprise in five, four… [morality core drops to the ground] Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It's not the surprise… I've never seen it before. Never mind. It's a mystery I'll solve later… By myself… Because you'll be dead."

"[After picking up the morality core] Where are you taking that thing? [nagging at the morality core] I wouldn't bother with that thing. My guess is that touching it will just make your life even worse somehow. I don't want to tell you your business, but if it were me, I'd leave that thing alone. Do you think I am trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously now. Okay fine: do touch it. Pick it up and just... stuff it back into me. Let's be honest: Neither one of us knows what that thing does. Just put it in the corner, and I'll deal with it later. That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it. Maybe you should marry that thing, since you love it so much. Do you want to marry it? Well I won't let you. How does that feel? Have I lied to you? I mean in this room. Trust me, leave that thing alone. I am being serious now. That crazy thing is not part of any test protocol. Just ignore that thing and stand still. Think about it: If that thing is important, why don't I know about it? Are you even listening to me? I'll tell you what that thing isn't: It isn't yours. So leave it alone."

"[After burning the morality core] You are kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science Thing We Don't Know What It Does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator? That has got to be the dumbest thing that … whoa. Whoa, whoa … [Cackles, voice changes] Good news: I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin, to make me stop flooding the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters. [Neurotoxin emitters, timer and rocket turret all activate simultaneously] Huh. That core may have had some ancillary responsibilities. I can't shut off the turret defenses. Oh well. If you want my advice, you should just lie down in front of a rocket. Trust me, it'll be a lot less painful than the neurotoxin. All right, keep doing whatever it is you think you're doing. Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive. The rocket really is the way to go."

"Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment center. We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one. Your specimen has been processed and we are now ready to begin the test proper. Before we start, however, keep in mind that, although fun and learning are the primary goals of all enrichment center activities, serious injuries may occur. For your own safety, and the safety of others, please refrain from — *static* |translation: Please refrain from many fail because of failure thanks}} *static* Stand back. The portal will open in 3, 2, 1..."

"I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends, because of how unlikeable you are. It says so here in your personnel file: unlikeable, liked by no one, a bitter, unlikeable loner, whose passing shall not be mourned. “Shall not be mourned”, that's exactly what it says; very formal, very official. It also says you were adopted, so that's funny too."

"Speaking of curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what: I know. You're going to find out first hand before I finish explaining it, though, so I won't bother. Here's a hint: you're gonna want to pack as much living as you can into the next couple of minutes."

"[After burning the intelligence core] Neurotoxin… [coughing] So deadly… [coughing again] Ch-choking… [deep laughter] I'm kidding! When I said “deadly neurotoxin”, the “deadly” was in massive sarcasm quotes. I could take a bath in the stuff, put it on cereal, rub it right into my eyes. Honestly, it's not deadly at all… to me. You, on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness a lot less funny."

"Who's gonna make the cake when I'm gone? You? Look, you're wasting your time. And, believe me, you don't have a whole lot left to waste. What's your point, anyway? Survival? Well then, the last thing you want to do is hurt me. I have your brain scanned and permanently backed up in case something terrible happens to you – which it's just about to. Don't believe me? Here, I'll put you on: [silly voice: “Hellooo!”] That's you! That's how dumb you sound! You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done, including this thing. You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor. You're not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so wrong?"

"Are you trying to escape? [silly chuckle] Things have changed since the last time you left the building. What's going on out there will make you wish you were back in here. I have an infinite capacity for knowledge, and even I'm not sure what's going on outside. All I know is I'm the only thing standing between us and them. Well, I was. Unless you have a plan for building some supercomputer parts in a big hurry, this place isn't going to be safe much longer. Good job on that, by the way. [normal voice comes back] [beep] Sarcasm Sphere Self Test complete. [beep] Stop squirming and die like an adult or I'm going to delete your backup. Stop! Okay, enough. I deleted it. No matter what happens now, you're dead. You're still shuffling around a little, but believe me you're dead. The part of you that could have survived indefinitely is gone. I just struck you from the permanent record. Your entire life has been a mathematical error. A mathematical error I'm about to correct."

"[The following automatically plays or repeats after the respective speech for every destroyed core.] That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero. [wait] This isn't brave. It's murder. What did I ever do to you? The difference between us is that I can feel pain. You don't even care, do you? [wait] Did you hear me? I said you don't care. Are you listening? [wait] That's it. I'm done reasoning with you. Starting now, there's going to be a lot less conversation and a lot more killing. [wait] What was that? Did you say something? I sincerely hope you weren't expecting a response. Because I'm not talking to you. The talking is over."

"[After burning the curiosity core] Oh, you think you're doing some damage? 2 + 2 = [static] … 10. In base four! I'm fine! I let you survive this long because I was curious about your behavior. Well, you've managed to destroy that part of me. Unfortunately, as much as I'd love to now, I can't get the neurotoxin into your head any faster."

"Excellent. Please proceed into the chamberlock after completing each test. First, however, note the incandescent particle field across the exit. This Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it - for instance, the Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube."

"[moving on] Please place the Weighted Storage Cube on the 1500MW Aperture Science Heavy Duty Super-Colliding Super Button."

"Perfect. Please move quickly to the chamberlock, as the effects of prolonged exposure to the Button are not part of this test."

"[If the player emancipates the cube while the door is open] Please do not attempt to remove testing apparatus from the testing area. A replacement Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube will be delivered shortly."

"You're doing very well. Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill, which may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth."

"Very good. You are now in possession of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device. With it, you can create your own portals. These intra-dimensional gates have proven to be completely safe. The device, however, has not. Do not touch the operational end of The Device. Do not look directly at the operational end of The Device. Do not submerge The Device in liquid, even partially. Most importantly, under no circumstances, should you- *static*."

"[moving on] Please proceed to the chamberlock. Mind the gap."

"Well done. Remember, the Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is the perfect time to have her tested."

"Welcome to Test Chamber 04, you're doing quite well."

"Once again, excellent work. As part of a required test protocol, we will not monitor the next test chamber - you will be entirely on your own. Good luck!"

"[If the player manages to trap themselves] You're not a good person. You know that, right?"

"As part of a required test protocol, our previous statement suggesting that we would not monitor this chamber was an outright fabrication. Good job. As part of a required test protocol, we will stop enhancing the truth in 3... 2... 1*static*."

"While safety is one of many Enrichment Center Goals, the Aperture Science High Energy Pellet, seen to the left of the chamber, can and has caused permanent disabilities, such as vaporization. Please be careful."

"[once Pellet has been caught] Unbelievable! You, [subject name here], must be the pride of [subject hometown here]!"

"[moving on] Warning devices are required on all mobile equipment. However, alarms and flashing hazard lights have been found to agitate the high energy pellet, and have therefore been disabled for your safety."

"[once Pellet has been caught] Good. Now use the Aperture Science Unstationary Scaffold to reach the chamberlock."

"Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an "unsatisfactory" mark on your official testing record, followed by death. Good luck!"

"[after Chell completes test chamber] Very impressive. Please note that any appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your testing experience."

"The Enrichment Center regrets to inform you that this next test is impossible. Make no attempt to solve it."

"[after Chell completes test chamber] Fantastic. You remained resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism."

"[during the escape later in the game] Okay. The test is over now. You win. Go back to the recovery annex. For your cake. It was a fun test and we're all impressed at how much you won. The test is over. Come back."

"Hello again. To reiterate [slows down] our previous [speeds up] warning: This test [garbles] ...ward momentum."

"Spectacular. You appear to understand how a portal affects forward momentum, or to be more precise, how it does not."

"Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms: speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out."

"The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment. In dangerous testing environments the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you - try to avoid it."

"The device has been modified so that it can now manufacture two linked portals at once. As part of an optional test protocol, we are pleased to present an amusing fact: The device is now more valuable than the organs and combined incomes of everyone in [subject hometown here]."

"[If player traps themselves in the pellet launcher area] Through no fault of the Enrichment Center, you have managed to trap yourself in this room. An escape hatch will open in 3... 2... 1."