"[to Major Margaret Houlihan] Oh, come off it, Major! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch . . . and under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me, and you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean, you're what we call a regular army clown."

"How do ya like them apples, Charlie?"

"Alright men, we're not here to sell lemonade, we're here to practice!"

"[to Brigadier General Charlie Hammond] Ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor, I have been proud to wear this uniform."

"[to Henry] This isn't a hospital, it's an insane asylum!"

"[in the middle of sex] Oh, Frank, strangle me!"

"[in the middle of sex] Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Oh, kiss my hot lips!"

"[to Hawkeye] I like to think of the army as my home."

"[During football game] All right bud, your fucking head is coming right off!"

"I'm a fairy. A victim of latent homosexuality. I've turned into a fairy."

"If a man isn't a man anymore . . . what's he got left that he should be living for?"

"Take care of the squirrels."

"[Watching Frank Burns leave] Fair is fair, Henry. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?"

"Oh, now damn it, Henry. Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him, he says it's God's will or somebody else's fault."

"Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid’s chest and get out to the golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. Ham and eggs will be all right. Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way."

"Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had, on an average, uh, about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals every year. And he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen."

"[As a helicopter attempts to land on the helipad where they are standing] I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf."

"No. No food. Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex. [The others call for Storch, but Trapper John points at Hot-Lips] No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one over there. That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off! I want that one, yes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me now."

"It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick."

"Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this [Indicates Trapper John] is my favorite caddy."

"Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?"

"Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic."

"[Trying to convince Lt. Dish to sleep with Painless.] You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions to chief executives of states or nations. You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life by a tender act of mercy."

"There's three things in this world that you need: Respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer."

"It's important to think. It's what separates us from lentils."

"I told you about these people. They're evil, Edwin. They must be stopped."

"You ever read any Nietzsche? Nietzsche says there's two kinds of people in the world: people who are destined for greatness like Walt Disney... and Hitler. Then there's the rest of us, he called us "the bungled and the botched." We get teased. We sometimes get close to greatness, but we never get there. We're the expendable masses. We get pushed in front of trains, take poison aspirin ... get gunned down in Dairy Queens."

"I wish there was some way I could just pay the fine and go home."

"Some billionaire's got the Holy Grail in his library on Fifth Avenue."

"I'm hearing horses! Parry will be so pleased!"

"I'm a knight on a special quest."

"It begins with the king as a boy, having to spend the night alone in the forest to prove his courage so he can become king. Now while he is spending the night alone he's visited by a sacred vision. Out of the fire appears the Holy Grail, symbol of God's divine grace. And a voice said to the boy, "You shall be keeper of the grail so that it may heal the hearts of men." But the boy was blinded by greater visions of a life filled with power and glory and beauty. And in this state of radical amazement he felt for a brief moment not like a boy, but invincible, like God, so he reached into the fire to take the grail, and the grail vanished, leaving him with his hand in the fire to be terribly wounded. Now as this boy grew older, his wound grew deeper. Until one day, life for him lost its reason. He had no faith in any man, not even himself. He couldn't love or feel loved. He was sick with experience. He began to die. One day a fool wandered into the castle and found the king alone. And being a fool, he was simple minded, he didn't see a king. He only saw a man alone and in pain. And he asked the king, "What ails you friend?" The king replied, "I'm thirsty. I need some water to cool my throat". So the fool took a cup from beside his bed, filled it with water and handed it to the king. As the king began to drink, he realized his wound was healed. He looked in his hands and there was the holy grail, that which he sought all of his life. And he turned to the fool and said with amazement, "How can you find that which my brightest and bravest could not?" And the fool replied, "I don't know. I only knew that you were thirsty." It's very beautiful, isn't it?"

"Jack, I may be going out on a limb here, but you don't seem like a happy camper."

"What were the crusades? The pope's publicity stunt?"

"[singing] Lydia, Oh Lydia. Say have you met Lydia? Lydia that Tattooed Lady!"

"See... guy goes to work every day, eight hours a day, seven days a week. Gets his nuts so tight in a vice that he starts questioning the very fabric of his existence. Then one day, 'bout quitting time, boss calls him into the office and says, "Hey Bob, whyncha come on in here and kiss my ass for me, will you?" Well, he says, "Hell with it. I don't care what happens, I just want to see the expression on his face as I jab this pair of scissors into his arm. [sighs] Then he thinks of me. He says, "Waitaminit. I got both my arms, I got both my legs. At least I'm not begging for a living. Sure enough, Bob's gonna put those scissors down and pucker right up. See, I'm what you call kind of a "moral traffic light", really. I'm like sayin', "Red! Go no further! Boooo-ee boooo-ee boooo-ee...""

"The film's about redemption, about healing wounds and how giving and getting are really pretty much the same thing. My character really gets the ultimate gift by his giving, not by his receiving."

"In The Fisher King, Williams was … at the height of his powers. He knew how to play a man dangerously in touch with unseen forces, a holy fool, and for once he played opposite actors who were, each in their own way, worthy of him: Jeff Bridges, Mercedes Ruehl, and, most memorably, Amanda Plummer, who should have partnered with him again."

"However funny it is, however outrageous it is, is based on pain, on a tragedy, on loss."

"Parry is a man with a previous life that was so damaged that he had to create another personality. ... It's like post-traumatic stress syndrome: Some people respond to traumatic or tragic events by withdrawal; some even create other personalities. Parry is a creation — somewhat Don Quixote, somewhat Groucho Marx — but he's a creation designed to avoid a past event."

"A Modern Day Tale About The Search For Love, Sanity, Ethel Merman And The Holy Grail."

"A good, old-fashioned story of guilt, poverty, love, madness and free video club membership."

"Some called him a hero. Some called him the most dangerous man in America"

"Jeff Bridges - Jack Lucas"

"Robin Williams - Parry"

"Mercedes Ruehl - Anne Napolitano"

"Amanda Plummer - Lydia"

"Michael Jeter - Homeless Cabaret Singer"

"David Hyde Pierce - Lou Rosen"

"Lara Harris - Sondra"