"Richard Henry Lee: Resolved: That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved."

"John Dickinson: (after John Hancock calls for all members of the Congress to sign the Declaration of Independence) I'm sorry, Mr. President. I cannot, in good conscience, sign such a document. I will never stop hoping for our eventual reconciliation with England. But because, in my own way, I regard American no less than does Mr. Adams, I will join the army, and fight in her defense. Even though I believe that fight to be hopeless. Goodbye gentlemen."

"John Dickinson: Don't forget that most men with nothing would rather protect the possibility of becoming rich than face the reality of being poor."

"(to God) A second flood, a simple famine, plagues of locusts everywhere, or a cataclysmic earthquake, I'd accept with some despair. But no, you sent us Congress! Good God, Sir, was that fair?!"

"The Declaration will be a triumph, a triumph I say. (pauses) And if it isn't, we still have 4 days to think of something else."

"I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress! And by God, I have had this Congress! For ten years, King George and his Parliament have gulled, cullied, and diddled these colonies with their illegal taxes! Stamp Acts, Townshend Acts, Sugar Acts, Tea Acts! And when we dared stand up like men, they have stopped our trade, seized our ships, blockaded our ports, burned our towns, and spilled our BLOOD! And still, this Congress refuses to grant ANY of my proposals on independence, even so much as the courtesy of open debate! Good God, what in hell are you waiting for?"

"Kyle Kinane - Paparazzi at Medical Center"

"Allan Wasserman - Dr. Stevens"

"Torsten Voges - Dr. Lars"

"RZA - Chuck"

"Aziz Ansari - Randy Springs"

"Iris Apatow - Ingrid"

"Maude Apatow - Mable"

"Aubrey Plaza - Daisy Danby"

"Jason Schwartzman - Mark Taylor Jackson"

"Jonah Hill - Leo Koenig"

"Eric Bana - Clarke"

"Leslie Mann - Laura"

"Seth Rogen - Ira Wright"

"Adam Sandler - George Simmons"

"James Taylor: Fuck Facebook!"

"You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?"

"Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?"

"Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's going to come up to afterward and be like, "Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" That's fucking insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?"

"We could have a life, us two. Maybe not like I dreamed. Maybe not like you remember. But we could get by."

"Trust me, dearie, it's gonna take a lot more than ale to wash that taste out."

"These are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett. Desperate measures are called for..."

"[singing] Alright! You, sir? How about a shave? Come and visit your good friend, Sweeney! You sir! Too, sir. Welcome to the grave... I will have vengeance. I will have salvation... Who, sir? You sir! No one's in the chair. Come on, come on! Sweeney's waiting. I want you bleeders. You sir? Anybody? Gentlemen, now don't be shy. Not 1 man... No, nor 10 men... Nor 100 can assuage me. I will have you! And I will get him back even as he gloats; In the meantime, I'll practice on less honorable throats... And my Lucy lies in ashes, and I'll never see my girl again. But the work waits! I'm alive at last, and I'm full of joy!"

"[holding up one of his razors] At last! My arm is complete again!"