"(while confronting Madeline Ashton) Listen, that was a long time ago, you didn't steal him, he went to you. It wasn't you, it was him. I just want you to know something that I have never ever blamed you, never."

"She was a homewrecker, she was a man eater, and she was a bad actress."

"(whilst peering through a gaping hole in Helen) You're a fraud, Helen. A walking lie and I can see right through you."

"And she even paid for the hardware. Don't you just love it?"

"Ernest! You pushed me down the stairs."

"Ain't nobody can play dead like me, Ernest."

"Ernest, I'm in the morgue."

"Ernest, my ass...I can see... my ass!"

"(after seeing herself transformed from drinking the potion) I'm a girl!"

"Oh, for Christ's sake. At least lie quickly!"

"Ernest is dead? Everybody's dead!"

"You're dressed. Special occasion?"

"Wrinkled, wrinkled little star, hope they never see the scars."

"Wendy Schaal as Bonnie Rumsfield"

"Patrika Darbo as Suzanne Weingartner"

"Brenda Benner as Walter's Daughter"

"Dana Olsen as Cop"

"Kevin Gage as Cop"

"Gary Hays as Ricky's Friend"

"Bill Stevenson as Ricky's Friend"

"Nick Katt as Steve Kuntz"

"Heather Haase as Ricky's Girlfriend"

"Rance Howard as Detective #2"

"Franklyn Ajaye as Detective #1"

"Cory Danziger as Dave Peterson"

"Robert Picardo as Joe"

"Dick Miller as Vic"

"Gale Gordon as Walter Seznick"

"Courtney Gains as Hans Klopek"

"Brother Theodore as Uncle Reuben Klopek"

"Henry Gibson as Dr. Werner Klopek"

"A Soldiers way saves the day"

"In Southeast Asia we'd call this kind of thing bad karma."

"About a 9 on the tension scale, Rube."

"Walter. I know you're in there. That scum-sucking, barking rat of yours has just taken his last dump on my lawn. I find one more- just one- and I'm gonna catch him and staple his ass shut."

"That was very cool dude."

"[last lines] God I love this street."

"Oh no! You guys can't leave. This is the best part. I called the pizza dude!!!"

"This is my neighborhood!"

"[about the Klopeks, after burning their home and getting Ray injured in the process] They may think they're off the hook, but they're not. No, no, they're not. Are they, Ray? No, go ahead, tell 'em. Tell 'em. We got the goods on 'em, don't we? Oh yeah, y'know? You know, someday they're gonna dig up the back of that yard and they're gonna find the rest of the skeleton to go with that femur. Oh, it might not be Walter, but it's gonna be some poor tortured bast-- [is cut off as Ray starts ranting at him]"

"I think the message to, uh, psychos, fanatics, murderers, nutcases all over the world is, uh, "do NOT mess with suburbanites". Because, uh, frankly we're just not gonna take it any more. Ya know, we're not gonna be content to look after our lawns and wax our cars, paint out houses. We're out to get them, Don, we are out to get them."

"I'm telling you these people are Satanists, As I sit here, they are Satanists, Look, look, the world is full of these kind of things - black masses, mutilations, Mutilations! The incubus, the succubus - I'm tellin' you, Walter was a human sacrifice."

"I can see the news report now. "They were a quiet family, kept pretty much to themselves, No one would have ever suspected them of foul play.""

"Now they know that we know that they know that we know."

"I want to kill everyone, Satan is good, Satan is our pal."

"Shut up. SHUT UP, ART, SHUT UP! God, you don't know when to quit, do you?! Look at me! I'm a shell of a man because of you, Art! YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE! GET OFF THEIR CASE ALREADY! They didn't do anything to us! They didn't do anything to us! All right, so they're different, so they keep to themselves! Can you blame them?! They live next door to people who break into their house and burn it down while they're gone for the day! Remember what you were saying about people in the 'burbs, Art? People like Skip? People who mow their lawn for the 800th time, and then SNAP?! WELL, THAT'S US! IT'S NOT THEM, THAT'S US! WE'RE the ones who are vaulting over the fences, and peeking in through people's windows! We're the ones who are throwing garbage in the street, and lighting fires! WE'RE the ones who are acting suspicious and paranoid, Art! WE'RE THE LUNATICS! US! IT'S NOT THEM! It's us."

"I'm only trying to take a nap! I'm only laying here with my eyes closed trying to get some goddamn sleep!"

"I can't walk anywhere without you asking me where I'm going - I'm going to Paris, France, okay? I'm going to Banff, Canada, alright? That's where I'm going."

"Nobody knocks off an old man in my neighborhood and gets away with it."

"I'm going to go do something productive. I'm gonna go watch television."