"On the one hand, I deeply value my beanbag. On the other hand, I love Tribes 2 and routinely make very poor decisions... Oh, right in the Mean Bean Machine!"

"Lord God, give me the strength to destroy these men."

"(laying in bed, thinking) I wonder… Am I a genius? (sniffs hand) My hand smells kinda like poop."

"(making his pitch to a bunch of executives) Gentlemen, I've got something of a proposition for you. I'm giving you a golden opportunity to invest...In my wang. I've been offering it privately for quite a while, and we're looking at an Initial Pubic Offering near the end of the summer. (they all leave) Come back! My wang has serious growth potential!"

"Okay, smartass - if this is Football, where is all the ice?"

"I don't know why they call them "Chip Clips." I mean, everyone just puts 'em on their wang. Why don't they just call them "Wang Clips" or "Wang Hangers" or something?"

"Getting dark... vision fading.. tell John Romero I love her..."

"Randy Pinkwood: In entertainment news, it was revealed that the Doom movie does not take place on Mars, and features no hell demons. When asked for comment, script author David Callahan made the sound of a Choo-Choo train, suggesting that all present "get aboard." In other news, look out for the Metroid movie, about a rowdy team of baseball players who discover the true meaning of Christmas from a cowboy robot angel. Also, critics are giving my penis "Four Stars." Debbie in the mailroom calls it a "thrilling ride," with a "surprise ending" that will leave you breathless."

"Randy Pinkwood: A new study shows links between videogames and violence. Or something. You know, whatever. Another report, released from my pants just moments ago, has deemed my wang "massive," "sturdy," and "fearsome." Ladies, I'm talking to you."

"The Cardboard Tube Samurai: Will you face me? This tube goes by many names, some you are worthy to hear. The Waking-Dragon, coiled, as spring dawns. Hawk's-Harvest, seizing prey in the tall summer grass. Autumn-Razor, the patient hunter. The Famine-Of-Winter, that kills the babe at its mother's empty breast. So, will you face me? I, who hold the very reins of the world?"

"Penny Arcade reader: Is that supposed to be Gabe? It looks like a hedgehog fucking a cantaloupe."

"Emperor Palpatine I hope many Bothans died to bring us this information."

"Jesus Christ: (descending in glory from Heaven) Hey guys. No, relax! I'm not staying. I heard you guys are frying Twinkies now. I had to get in on that."

"Jesus Christ: (throwing up the horns during a game with Gabe) WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Jesus Christ: (when asked by Gabe if the Revolution is "cool") I wouldn't say it's "cool," exactly. It's true that the cyber-ape revolution of 2014 does usher in a new ice age, and humanity will certainly feel the chill as they are driven underground. Heat miners will eke out a living, tapping the Earth's molten core for precious warmth."

"Flight Captain: Gooood afternoon from the cockpit, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain, Captain Steve. We're looking at abooouuut three hours down to San Diego, today, we're expecting a smooooth flight, I have turned off the fasten seat belts sign and you are free to move about the cabin. I have a ball of heroin about the size of a monkey's fist jammed straight up my asshole. Beautiful weather down there, clear skies, and seventy eight degrees..."

"Annarchy: (defending her pink, pony-decorated computer case) What I carry in this box is your utter subjugation."

"Xykon: I ripped off my own living flesh so that I wouldn't have to admit weakness. You're strictly little league compared to that. That right there? That's the difference between bonafide true Evil with a capital "E" and your whiny "evil, but for a good cause," crap. One gets to be the butch, and one gets to be the bitch - bitch."

"Eugene Greenhilt: When you're dead, you're never going to look back and say, "Darn, I didn't spend enough time on petty revenge.""

"Redcloak: I'm so glad your conversion to a life-draining mockery of all that is beautiful has proven to be such a barrel of laughs."

"Female Goblin: Well... we could be dirt farmers."

"Xyklon: Hey! Come back here! We're supposed to fight now!!! Sigh... guards, fetch the Ben & Jerry's."

"Young Xykon: Zombification: it cures what ails you. Forever."

"Haley: Sneak Attack Upside the Head!"

"Roy: ...Gee, thanks for this visit, Dad. I had almost forgotten how much of an anal retentive blowhard you are."

"Haley: Warning: Meat laced with sleep potion may cause drowsiness."

"Belkar: I am going to shove the sunshine so far up where the sun don't shine that you will vomit nothing but warm summer days!!"

"Tarquin: Elan! This arc isn't over yet! Where's the growth? You didn't lose anything! Nothing has changed! YOU GET BACK HERE AND GIVE THIS PLOTLINE A SATISFYING RESOLUTION THIS INSTANT!! ELAN! ELAN, THERE'S NO SENSE OF CLOSURE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! THIS IS A TERRIBLE ENDING!!!"

"Tarquin: It has become clear to me that the only way you will accept your proper role is for me to utterly crush you here and now. So I am going to murder your lowlife girlfriend, burn this ship and everyone on it to ash, and chop off your hand. BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THESE THINGS ARE DONE!""

"Julio Scoundrel: I think that’s half your problem, T- You always think everything that happens is about you!"

"Tarquin: Can't you see that there are underlying problems with the structure of this scene??"

"Tarquin: I am not going to indulge you in your usual idiocy today, Scoundrel."

"Tarquin: Frankly, I’m surprised you agreed to show up. Our past differences aside, you of all people should be able to see the shape of this."

"Belkar: (Deafened by magic, already jumping to stab Nale) ELAN, IS IT COOL IF I KILL YOUR BROTHER WHAT CAN'T HEAR YOUR ANSWER SORRY!"

"Elan: Fight, fight, fight, fight the urge to say, "I told you so!""

"Haley: Belkar, can you handle fifteen?"

"Haley: This story is swiftly moving from fantasy to horror - and just my luck, I'm stuck in the role of the bimbo who runs down the alley away from the monsters. I swear, if I randomly fall down and break the heel of my boot, I'm going to find Wes Craven and kick his ass."

"Haley:Anyway, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is, I won initiative, so you guys get a sneak attack each. The good news is, I don't have to bother thinking up a second half to that joke, 'cause you're all dead now."

"Belkar: Sorry, Scarface. Looks like one of us has an appointment with that thing's esophagus, and I nominate you, on account of you not being me."

"Roy: So... I could have all the one-night stands I want, but I'd have to have them at my Mom's house ? Are you trying to make people feel guilty about sex ?"

"Belkar: Wait. I think I just failed a Spot check."

"Elan: Hi, Haley. Look, I found all these free swords. They were in my spleen."

"Roy: "Why did you think we were here?" [in this dungeon]"

"Eugene Greenhilt: Hey, that deal was very clear: 'Til death do us part. Once I shuffle off the mortal coil, I'm free to play the field."

"Belkar Bitterleaf: I have an idea. It starts with "s" and ends with "litting their throats.""