"Tedd has read Uryuom and government studies that show that being morphed by things like Tedd's gun can actually increase longevity in non-shapeshifting beings, and it does wonders for the sinuses!"

"Susan's a trekkie? I would've figured she'd be anti-Shatner..."

"A CGI dragon, a drunk prince, and my favorite actor, Jason D. Poit, starring as a disillusioned knight... this movie is just bound to kick ass!"

"Mankind has tried to keep squirrels away from birdseed since the dawn of time; it just can't be done, Tedd."

"I still think this cat has narcolepsy."

"Oh joy, lunch. The time of social gatherings with many opportunities for awkward moments."

"Ok, I need an aspirin, a ball of yarn, and thirty-seven pounds of catnip, stat!"

"(To Tedd in girl form, who is in Elliot's bathroom.) Dammit, you'd better not be just posing in front of the mirror or something! (He is.)"

"My back has redefined the word pain..."

"Dammit, I hate these trendy "which one is real" illusion attacks."

"He's [Carrot Top] not your archrival, sir; he's a bad comedian."

"Screw inner peace! I got a friend for you to meet!"

"Ah, Jeremy…what's it like to be a creature nature never intended?"

"Hello, I'm Elliot. If Tedd wasn't so busy testing out his experimental super novelty bubble pipe, he'd join me in apologizing for our first three strips."

"Nothing can penetrate the coat of solitude..."

"Togateiru fohku kohgeki! (Japanese for 'pointy fork attack'.)"

"Hello, I'm Elliot. This thing to my left is named Tedd. (The first line of the first comic.)"

"Za? (Most commonly associated with Elliot and Ellen.)"

"Read, or the owl will eat you. (Mural found on the wall of Moperville North High School)"

"Hey, is that a demonic duck of some sort? (Used as a common distraction. Every time this phrase has been uttered the Demonic Duck has somehow been there even though he wasn't seconds before. The only exception to this was the single comic where he was on strike.) Example 1 Example 2Example 3"

"There are a lot of things you can eat that aren't food."

"(talking about a child's belief in Santa Claus) It's a beautiful lie, one he wants to believe, given to him by someone he trusts. It's the same reason you believe in God really."

"Just... Don't talk anymore. You're like the Dalai Lama of fucking retards."

"Don't say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I've been polite. If you say anything else - word one - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth."

"Check his flower pot. Check his flower pot for gay porn. We desperately need those new dresses."

"Let's go pound some nails through our dicks."

"I'll stab you in the mouth. That's a new one, huh? You ever been stabbed in there?"

"Some people play tennis, I erode the human soul."

"Gabe, sometimes in order to hurt someone very badly, you have to tell that person terrible lies."

"I wouldn't call this a computer. Nope, this is more of a "Rabid Wolverine.""

"Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation will feature proprietary Fractal Boob Juggling technology, allowing for real-time melon manipulation... They will cast soft-edged shadows and use inverse nippomatics."

"My humiliating victory over you is just water under the shattered bridge of your crushing defeat."

"The Tube is Civilization!"

"The Merch: I fucked your dad! [http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2005/12/30"

"Frank: There I was - pitch black, alone! It was the Devil's birthday in Cambodia, and I was bare-assed and hopped up on some jungle mushroom."

"A parody of Scott McCloud: Now let's take a comic like Sandwich Shoppe — Divide their forty thousand readers in half, and multiply that by sweet, bee-fresh honey. That's a hojillion dollars! Now, subtract three vanilla wafers to pay the Billy Goats Gruff, and you've got a hundred kabillion million dollars!"

"Div: Somebody call Guinness. I'm about to go from zero to drunk in twenty dollars."

"Div: Oops! Was that a brick?"