"(to Kumail) Naw dog. I'm not joking. You're not funny to me. You just make me sad. You make me sad inside of my heart, and it makes me sad to look at you. So I think you should probably go. Just go and tell my mom I want her. (Kumail is stunned.) Will you please get my mom?"

"Apparently, there are good and bad comas. And the kind that they put her in, the medically induced ones, are definitely the good kind of coma. Like you know how there are good and bad carbs? Gremlins, those can be good or bad."

"Sharmeen Nanjiani: Since when are you someone to stand up? You know who I think should stand up is Malala. She has something to say, she has something to say!"

"Naveed Nanjiani: Listen to yourself. You hardly sound Pakistani. "Cookies"? You sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus. You're such a burger."

"Your driver will be ready as soon as he puts on his pants."

"I read in an interview with Hugh Grant, he said he doesn't smile because it makes his face look fat. So I didn't smile in pictures for many years."

"Kumail Nanjiani — Kumail Nanjiani"

"Zenobia Shroff - Sharmeen Nanjiani"

"Zoe Kazan — Emily Gardner"

"Ray Romano — Terry Gardner"

"Anupam Kher - Azmat Nanjiani"

"Holly Hunter - Beth Gardner"

"Adeel Akhtar - Naveed Nanjiani"

"(...quote...)"

"An Awkward True Story"

"Radio Man (Craig Castaldo) — himself"

"Olivia Culpo — Raven-Haired Beauty"

"You slept with him, didn't you? One night and you went right back to being a Stepford."

"If we find anymore mistresses I'm going to have to send her to rehab."

"David Thornton — Nick"

"Victor Cruz — Fernando"

"I swear, every time I look through a set of binoculars, he's got a new mistress."

"Nicki Minaj — Lydia"

"Nikolaj Coster-Waldau — Mark King"

"Taylor Kinney — Phil Hampton"

"The oddest friends are about to get even."

"He'll never know what hit him."

"The ultimate girls night in."

"Lydia: Selfish people live longer."

"Mark King: I wouldn't even be me without you. I might not always get it right, but I'm right where I want to be."

"Leslie Mann — Kate Hampton"

"Cameron Diaz — Carly Whitten"

"Don Johnson — Frank Whitten"

"We should kick him in the balls!"

"Kate Upton — Amber"

"Boris Isakovic — Ivan Andrich"

"Lydia Leonard — Marta Andrich"

"Henry Golding — Tom Webster"

"Emma Thompson — Petra Andrich"

"Michelle Yeoh — Santa"

"It’s a misfire by just about any measure, but it earns some warm feelings for its determination not to be like anything else currently in circulation."

"It’s twee, it’s precious, it’s forced. And it’s light on true romance, maybe because the movie itself is a little too in love with itself."

"Last Christmas is bad. Incredibly, shockingly, monumentally bad. The kind of bad that falls somewhere between finding a lump of coal in your stocking and discovering one painfully lodged in your rectum."

"Emilia Clarke — Kate Andrich"

"Ritu Arya — Jenna"

"Dick means penis? No Dick is our neighbor. Our neighbor is called penis?"