"Samantha has just returned from congratulating a local builder friend who successfully bid for a contract this week. He said she was delighted to see his little firm won."

"Samantha was telling us before the show she's been visiting a nice gentleman racehorse owner in his stables recently. She doesn't know much about racing, but she's already seen something to admire in his jockeys."

"While Samantha nips out to enjoy a portion of local winkles in cider..."

"So as Samantha heads off to the Highland games to admire the contestants in the caber competition, and perhaps have a go at tossing one or two herself..."

"Samantha has to nip out now with her new gentleman friend. Apparently, they've been working on the restoration of an old chest of drawers. Samantha is in charge of polishing, while he scrapes the varnish and wax off next to her."

"Samantha has to nip out now as she's got a new job working in the sound archive as the manager. It's her first day, so apparently she's going to give a speech in the back room and hand jobs out in the office."

"Samantha has to nip out now as she has a new gentleman friend. Apparently, he's a vacuum cleaner salesman, and he's managed to get her the latest model. She says she can't wait to get home and handle her new Phillips upright."

"Samantha has to nip out now as she is meeting her new zookeeper gentleman friend. She's going to meet him at the monkey house, where he's often found swinging about with his charges. She says she doesn't mind looking up and seeing him hung like a baboon."

""Samantha nearly made it - she's been detained at the last minute in the city's Latin quarter. An Italian gentleman friend has promised to take her out for an ice-cream, and she likes nothing better than to spend an evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan." (Humphrey Lyttleton's final joke on the show, recorded shortly before his death in April 2008)"

"Jack Dee: "Samantha has to nip off now as she's having a lot of work done on her house - last week there was a painter/decorator downstairs and a roofer/felter up in the loft...""

"Teams, to accompany you, I'm sure you'd all like to welcome our brand new pianist...but until he's provided, we'll just have to make do with our old one... Colin Sell."

"You'll be accompanied on the piano by Colin Sell, one of the finest musicians of the day...of course, when night comes, something seems to desert him."

"Colin Sell is at the piano, and with exciting career news - he tells me that he's recently started to work with pop sensation Bjork, so now he's making regular trips to Iceland... or if they're shut, he goes to Bejams."

"You know, I was interested to learn recently that Colin doesn't just play the piano, in fact I have a letter here that says he's recently become very handy on the sax... and that's signed by the Haringey Council Waste Disposal Department."

"Actually, listeners may be interested to hear that Colin doesn't only play the piano... oh no. He's recently become a bit of an expert with the pan pipes... so if anyone has a blocked toilet they want cleared..."

"As ever, Colin Sell will be providing backup on the piano, although that's by no means his only instrument. In fact, I have a cutting here from Jazz Monthly magazine, written by their top reviewer. It reads: "When I heard Colin Sell playing the mouth organ, I rushed in just in time to catch his set. He really should use a stronger denture fixative if he's going to blow that hard.""

"Musical accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me he's thinking of branching out into artist management. Apparently he has this dream of handling The Spice Girls. Mrs. Sell says it's the only thing that gets him up in the morning."

"Accompaniment here will be provided by Colin Sell at the piano. Incidentally, we were all surprised to hear that Colin has recently been standing in for Oasis. He spent 4 days holding up a dried arrangement at the Chelsea Flower Show."

"Actually, Colin was telling us before the show that he once toured Britain with The Monkees... then Mr. Chipperfield promoted him to the elephants and gave him a bigger shovel."

"Incidentally, pianist Colin Sell was once mistaken for a member of the Partridge Family... it took him nearly three weeks to pick the lead shot out of his backside."

"Actually, it's been said that one has more chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a piano player like Colin Sell... which is why we all spent most of last week standing out in the rain holding metal rods."

"Musical accompaniment will be provided in this round at the piano by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners may be fascinated to learn that before Christmas, Colin was employed to play the piano for The Stranglers. You can imagine how things were livened up in that turkey abbatoir."

"Actually, we were all very impressed to learn that Colin once played alongside Roy Orbison. Orbison, of course, was nicknamed 'The Big O', and in turn, he affectionately referred to Colin as 'That Little C'..."

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me that his musical influences are Middle-Eastern in origin... mostly Shi'ite!"

"... the man who put the C into rap music ... Colin Sell!"

"Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, a man who doesn't know the meaning of "disharmony". He also has problems with the words "stop", "that", "dreadful" and "racket"."

"Jack Dee: "Incidentally, you may be interested to know that Colin was once invited to produce albums for The Smiths in Manchester, before being headhunted by the Snappy Snaps in Wigan.""

"Jack Dee: "You may not realise it, but Colin is worshipped at the piano. Every time he comes on stage, people say 'Oh God, Colin Sell!'""

""Dear Mr. Duggleby, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why does my typewriter always stick on the letter 'Y'?"

""Dear Ned, I'm on the train!"

""Dear David Dickinson, I can sum up why the BBC have your programme on TV every night in three words: Cheap As Chips."

""Dear Mrs Lawley, Here's an idea: How about a celebrity version of 'Desert Island Disks'?"

"A Mrs Trellis of North Wales has written in to complain that the show has 'an enormous fistful of rampant innuendo rammed into every crack', but only a truly filthy-minded person would think such a thing."

"Dear Mr Titchmarsh: This morning I went out to dig up some dandelions and a giant hogweed on my lawn. The filthy beast! Yours faithfully, Mrs Trellis."

"Dear Mr Melly: Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears."

"Dear Rolf: They say a dog isn't just for Christmas. How true. You can use it for sandwiches all through January."

"Jack Dee: "Dear Jock: Isn't it disgraceful the way certain game shows rig their results by pretending to choose winners at random? Yours in disgust, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Send the book token to the usual address.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear teams: When I noticed in the Radio Times that your show was back, there were three big ticks next to the listing, so I sprayed them with DDT. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Pick of the Week: I do wish you'd use your hankey. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Eddie Mair: Here's my favourite sound for your PM programme Listener's Favourite Sound feature - it's my radio off switch! *click* - Yours Silently, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Jack Dee: "Dear Shipping Forecast: I'm no prude, but why do doggers need to know which way the wind is blowing? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis.""

"Canterbury today is an interesting mix of traditional and modern buildings, due to the large number of bombs dropped during the last war. Even now the authorities regularly uncover unstable cases carrying decaying material which have to be handled with the greatest of care. Let me introduce four of them."

"You join us again at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham, where we've attracted a capacity audience of some 700, odd people."

"It's well documented in official records that the City's original name was 'Snottingham', or 'Home of Snots', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the letter 'S', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'Home of Notts'. It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe."

"Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike."

"During Tudor times, Hull's customs levies on Humber shipping resulted in a feud with neighbouring Beverley. Eventually, the nuns of Beverley convent rose in revolt, and laid seige to Hull. This worried Henry VIII, who sent a heavily armed force immediately he heard the town was being terrorised by the Beverley sisters."

"Jack Dee: "Leeds was the birthplace of two of Britain's most venerable writers of comedy - Alan Bennett and our own Barry Cryer. Alan Bennett recently donated the entire collection of his writings to the nation. Barry considered doing the same but everyone convinced him he couldn't give his work away.""

"Rachel Parris: "And it's polite not to leave until everyone has finished.""