"[sings] "Where, oh where has my little Bat gone? Oh where, oh where can he be? His cowl, his scowl, his temper so foul. I do hope he's coming for me." [evil laugh]"

"Mmm! This fruitcake is fantastic! (pause, stabs the knife on the table) Anyone want a piece?"

"I present to you: the death of the Batman!"

"NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL A PARTY!! (fires machine gun at hellicopter) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"So, what our friend Bane holds in his hand is - a heart monitor. Once he clamps it on, every beat of his vacant little heart will charge the battery - on this electric chair. And when it's fully charged - [mimicks being electrocuted, laughs]"

"If you actually let me finish a sentence, you might learn something! You might learn we're not so different. You might even learn something about yourself."

"You just can't get it through your thick skull...WE BOTH EXIST BECAUSE OF THEM!!"

"Looks like I'm gonna need to find a new playmate. Oh, and we were having so much fun, too!"

"[sees that Gordon has taken the bullet for Warden Joseph] "Well, that's the Christmas spirit!""

"Aww, gotta say, I thought you'd have more fight in you! A LOT more fight!"

"Ding dong! The bat is dead! Which old bat? The dumb old bat! Ding dong, the dumb old bat is dead!"

"Who's gonna save Gotham now? Robin?! [laughs]"

"[After being told by Batman that he would have saved him after ensuring his own death] "That actually is... [coughs] pretty funny..." [Joker dies laughing with a smile on his face]"

"Have you ever tried to burp the National Anthem?"

"Hurry! Batman's just had his way with one of you! Now that's a spicy meat-a-ball!"

""Think of it as a running gag!" [Stabs Batman in the back, dropping the cure and the Joker's only chance of survival]"

""You're making me late for spa treatment. I mean, it's not like you've got a girl to save anymore, is it?! [laughs] Oh, I'm sorry! Too soon? Would a change of scenery help ease the pain?" [detonates the floor below Batman and Clayface]"

"Get out of the way, Bats! I've got a date with immortality!"

"Well, sounds like I can cross 'hear a grown man cry' off my Christmas list. Thanks, fellas!"

"I've killed your girlfriend, poisoned Gotham, and hell... it's not even breakfast! But so what? We all know you'll save me."

"Now you wanna talk? Too late."

"So how do you keep a secret from the World's Greatest Detective? Well, do you know? You stick it right in front of him, right under his long pointy nose, and wait."

"Confusing, isn't it? I know I'd want to know just what the hell is going on if I were you. Let's just say in times like these, it's important to keep up [coughs] appearances. But first, if you would be so kind... Hand. Over. My. Cure."

"[as Clayface-Joker] "Oh, come on! There's always something to learn. Let's start with 'Getting Your Ass Kicked 101.'""

"[over radio] "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, must be a bad connection. It sounded like you said that after I shot him, and blew up a building on him, the Bat - somehow survived?!!? ...Well, since I know that's impossible, I'm going to give you a chance to reconcile my vision of reality with your version of reality, and in case your pea-brain can't parse big words, I'll translate it into thug-speak for you: KILL THE BAT OR I'LL KILL YOU!""

"It's ok to die, Bats, I'll be here to protect Gotham! I'll do a real good job."

"[as Clayface-Joker] "Good evening, Troops! This is General J here, with a quick update on what's going on down here in Arkham City. As you can see, I'm looking much better. In fact, ohhh, I think I'm looking better than ever! Ha! Oh, I can hear you all now: "How did this happen?" "Can I get me some of that crazy cure?" "Oh, I want answers, damn it! NOW!" Well, here's the thing. Answers don't give you everlasting satisfaction, sometimes you have to brace yourself for disappointment. Now think about it. Imagine your favorite TV show. You've been through it all. The ups, the downs, the crazy coincidences, and then: BANG! They tell you what it's all about. [the real Joker coughs behind the camera] Would you be happy? Does it make sense? How come it all ended in a church?""

"Ladies and Gentlemen, for one night only, standing in for yours truly, ha, and doing a damn fine job of it, I bring you... CLAYFACE!"

"Well, look who it is. I haven't seen you for... how long as it been? Let's see, there was an asylum, some monsters, and oh, that's right! You left me to die. Now you probably don't remember it that way, but who cares? You just need to worry about the bombs. Hurry up, now. Clock's ticking."

"5! ...4! ...3! ...2! ...1! See ya soon, Bats. ...What are you waiting for? We both know how this is going to turn out: you're going to come and find me. You can't stop yourself, can you? Sometimes I wonder if all this would just end with one of us looking down at the other's corpse, trying to work out what to do next? The only question is, whose body will it be? I know who I'm rooting for! [giggles] What about you? [laughs madly] Now, get out of there now, or you'll ruin everything!!!"

"[as Clayface-Joker] "You fell for the old fake Joker gag, Batman! You left me to die! {starts laughing}""

"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat. Watch me kill your favorite cat."

"And he didn't die all at once. It was hours before the screaming stopped. I almost didn't get to sleep that night. That was the last time I'd used crushed glass..."

"I have been witness to genius in the area of this criminal endeavor. ... The kidnapping of the mayor. The crippling of the city on numerous occasions. Oh, and my glorious abduction of the commissioner and his daughter. MASS MURDER, MAIMINGS, TORTURE AND TERROR! I'VE DONE IT ALL, LADY! YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE EINSTEIN OF CRIME! Sticking some poison on the back of some postage stamps, lady? Amateur night in Dixie. Simple as that."

"[after a captive Batman tells him there's nothing wrong with him] "Nice of you to say, but you of all people should know, there's plenty wrong with me. Take my blood, for example. I wish somebody would - this stuff is killing me!""

"[when Tommy Mangles is about to murder the Joker after telling him that apologies don't work] "Really? [attacks Mangles repeatedly] Well, what if I was really sorry? Would that make a-- difference? Would that satisfy you? If I was really... really... REALLY... REALLY... REALLY... SORRY? WELL, I'M NOT!""

"The guy goes into the hospital, okay? His wife's just had a baby and he can't wait to see them both. So he meets the doctor and he says, 'Oh, Doc, I've been so worried. How are they?' And the doctor smiles and says, 'They're fine. Just fine. Your wife's delivered a healthy baby boy and they're both in tip-top form. You're one lucky guy.' So the guy rushes into the maternity ward with his flowers. But it's empty. His wife's bed is empty. 'Doc?' He says and turns around and the doctor and all the nurses wave their arms and scream in his face. 'April fools! Your wife's dead and the baby's a spastic!!'" (he executes an asylum orderly with a gunshot to the head) "Get it? Oh what a senseless waste of human life!"

"(to Batman) "Loosen up, tight ass!""

"Is someone feeling a little down? Well, cheer up, Bats; it won't kill ya.... Oops!"

"Parting is such sweet sorrow, dearest. Still, you can't say we didn't show you a good time. Enjoy yourself out there... in the asylum. Just don't forget -- if it ever gets too tough... there's always a place for you here."

"April sweet is coming in, let the feast of fools begin!"

"And who is this pure fool? Lo, in the sagas of old time, legend or scald, of bard, of druid, cometh he not in green like spring? O thou water thou art air, in which all complex is resolved! Oh, yes! Fill the churches with dirty thoughts! Introduce honesty to the White House! Write letters in dead languages to people you've never met! Paint filthy words on the foreheads of children! Burn your credit cards and wear high heels! Asylum doors stand open! Fill the suburbs with murder and rape! Divine madness! Let there be ecstasy, ecstasy in the streets! Laugh and the world laughs with you!"

"Aren't I just good enough to eat?"

"[to Black Mask] "Can't... you... just... play... along?!""

"Ladies and Gentlemen! You've read about it in the papers! Now witness, before your very eyes, that most rare and tragic of nature's mistakes! I give you: the average man. Physically unremarkable, it instead possesses a deformed set of values. Notice the hideously bloated sense of humanity's importance. Also note the club-footed social conscience and the withered optimism. It's certainly not for the squeamish, is it? Most repulsive of all, are its frail and useless notions of order and sanity. If too much weight is placed upon them... they snap. How does it live, I hear you ask? How does this poor pathetic specimen survive in today's harsh and irrational environment? I'm afraid the sad answer is, "Not very well." Faced with the inescapable fact that human existence is mad, random, and pointless, one in eight of them crack up and go stark slavering buggo! Who can blame them? In a world as psychotic as this... any other response would be crazy!"

"“Remembering’s dangerous. I find the past such a worrying, anxious place. “The Past Tense,” I suppose you’d call it. Memory’s so treacherous. One moment you’re lost in a carnival of delights, with poignant childhood aromas, the flashing neon of puberty, all that sentimental candy-floss… the next, it leads you somewhere you don’t want to go. Somewhere dark and cold, filled with the damp ambiguous shapes of things you’d hoped were forgotten. Memories can be vile, repulsive little brutes. Like children I suppose. But can we live without them? Memories are what our reason is based upon. If we can’t face them, we deny reason itself! Although, why not? We aren’t contractually tied down to rationality! There is no sanity clause! So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit… you can just step outside, and close the door on all those dreadful things that happened. You can lock them away... forever.”"

"(singing) "When the world is full of care and every headline screams despair, when the news are rape, starvation, war and life is vile...then there's a certain thing I do which I shall pass along to you that's always guaranteed to make me smile. I go Loo-oo-oony, as a lightbulb battered bug, simply Loo-oo-oony, sometimes foam and chew the rug...mister life is swell in a padded cell, it'll chase those blues away! You can trade your gloom for a rubber room and injections twice a day!""

""Here's the cold, hard truth Bats...I don't hate you 'cause I'm crazy...I'm crazy 'cause I hate you. " - Batman: Cacophony"

""I am the Champion of the WORLD!"- Elseworlds: Batman/Lobo"

""Laugh, clown, laugh...and laugh again! The police are completely at bay! Batman is baying at the moon! No one can beat the Joker! Soon, now...soon they'll see it my way! They'll know I mean what I say! Today, the American fish... and tomorrow all the fish in the world! But...what if everybody stops eating fish? I hadn't thought of that! What if they all conspire against me...leave my Joker-Fish in the sea? But no...that would never work! The VEGETARIANS wouldn't go along! And anyway...I could use my chemicals on cattle! JOKER-BURGERS! OUTRAGEOUS! - Detective Comics #476"