"So, are you gonna chop me up and put me in the garbage now? Because Shmee tells me you're a bad guy. He says this is a bad place to be. Please don't chop me up."

"Yay!! I’m home and I wasn’t attacked by that squirrel!"

"No, you're wrong, Shmee. They aren't bad people. They love me. They don't really mean it when they tell me to get kidnapped."

"Let's go to my room, Shmee. We'll hide under the blankets and maybe fall asleep before we die."

"You fucking lunatic!! Stop!! Don't make me shoot your groin!!"

"Hey you! Stop eating grass!! This isn't some kind of grass eating place where you can eat grass!! Hear me!! I am da law!!"

"I am the policeman who punches heads!! Now move along you insane freak."

"You insane son of a bitch! You just ruined a perfectly good baby! I yell!"

"MMMM MONKEYYZ"

"You have invoked an evil older than man!! Older than croutons!!"

"(Points at a dead dog) "My god!! You're beautiful!!""

"You think, but you're not plywood."

"Otan jiyou bi o me detou gozaimasu!! [webmaster's note: If anyone can tell me what that means, there will be warm offerings of tree scratchies in it for you. Thank you.]"

"End this pathetic deception! I know you're hiding martians in your head!! Gimme them martians! I am going to put butter on them!!"

"I am going to fly into your butt!! Prepare all asses for vicious entry!!"

"I am like a flying potato!! Bow down!! Or I will unleash my zoinky army of surly crack-babies!!"

"I won't leave you!!! You is my bruddah!! BLOOOGH!!! I won't forget you!! I do mighty kung-fu kick for you!!!"

"The monkey, he see me, but me don't see da monkey. He punch me in da head!! Head punchin' monkey!! Skeetos drinked my head juice!! Corn!!"

"Pssst, lady, c'mere and drool on my face."

"Note: "Then, so as to anger American audiences, 10 minutes of french dialogue with subtitles ensue, guaranteeing limited theatrical release.""

"Goobers or Raisinets?! Goobers or Raisinets?!! Squeak once for yes!! Who has stolen my cheese!! Answer me, or don't!!"

"Moo! Moo!! Mooo!!! I'm voodoo cursing you!!"

"Accept my heartwarming gift of tree scratchies!!!"

"Stop with the mooing you damned chihuahua!"

"Whoopee, and all that shit!!"

"Oh, the horror!! The funky horror!!"

"Holy pigshit, Batman!"

"Crackers! Crackers! But, no squeezy cheese!! You've broken my secret elbow!"

"Those kids are after me lucky charms!! Must get to my car and escape! Shit! Speed lines are chasing me!!"

"Everybody! Say it with me as I wiggle!! Peas! Peas! Peas! Peas! Peas! Peas! Look David Hasselhoff can fly!!"

"I have powers pinto beans can only dream of!"

"Cease your flatulent winds and hear my mind-numbing expulsions of wicked noise! Grr!! Cheese!!!"

"Clutch my testes, bloody squirrel humpers!!"

"NIPPLES!! I HAVE NO NIPPLES!!!"

"I am wiggling my leg! Witness my leg!"

"Now you see what my goiter can do to your follicles!"

"Squeeze my nub!"

"These hands!! I can't get them off my wrists!!"

"Why are people so... unpleasant? Honestly, it's so difficult to truly care about so many things without first knowing the answers to some of the most fundamental, mind ravaging questions! How can one possibly respect the existence of something, people in this case, when that something seems to defy respect? They do such trivial things, and find amusement, even up to 'so-called' maturity, in the incessant mistreatment of their own kind."

"I love children, they're so sweet and stay crunchy in milk"

""Try the stew...it's delicious" (from Squee = Dreamtime)"

"Don't disturb me at home...I'm very busy!"

"Dear Die-ary, there's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt. I can't say I'm very pleased with where my life is just now... but I can't help but look forward to where it's going."

"Such amusing fiction, these stories they tell. It always comes to this. If they really had a desire to live, they would've been more aware of how easy it is to die, would've chosen their actions more wisely. In these moments, you can tell they're not regretting having hurt you. They regret doing it to your face. They get so loud. They make so much noise. I try to wait until I'm out of the room before I start laughing... A blur... of... sweating... screaming... human... drama... but, everyonce in a while, they say things that sound like words. They make me think about what I'm doing. The noises make me uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that... sometimes... I wonder... why I don't just get myself a pair of earplugs."

"Dear Die-ary, the passions that drive us should be the ones we respect and admire. To feel contempt for one's own motivations is a vulgar thing. Too often, it seems, I've succumbed to less-than admirable compulsions, driven by this furiously reprehensible machine of mine. So many things inside that I can do without - desires and urges and what not. So extraneous. By the time I write in this book again, I hope to be as cold as the moon that lights this page."

"It must be nice to still have the opportunity to save the cohesion of your pretty mind. The best some people can hope for is to better manage their damage."

"It's a frightening world to be alone in."