"Listen, honey, I've known men like Duke all my life. There was this one boy back in college – dealt drugs, went to jail – yet today he's the star of Home Improvement."

"(Praying at her bed) God bless Daddy, and Uncle Bisquick, and please give Momma the butt-lift Aunt Randa says she needs so desperately."

"It's just a gun for God's sake, not a bloody Xerox machine!"

"I was in a student film once. Well, it wasn't a student film actually, although it had several women dressed as cheerleaders. I played Professor Spankum."

"Sorry. I hate not being friendly, but this is New York."

"Kiss my surprisingly firm butt."

"Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a schmendrick.""

"Oh Jay, you're the sweetest man who ever called me a super freak."

"I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here. Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job."

"Funny man!"

"The judge said every time you talk to me, it costs you a hundred dollars."

"You’re just as bad a father as you were a lover."

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your ex-wife. Your alimony check is eighteen minutes late. Nope, nineteen minutes. That's it, I'm calling my lawyer!"

"No pressure Marty, but the Pope and Nelson Mandela are in the audience, and they came to party!"

"I am sorry, Martin. You are not fit. From now on, you must go to remedial gym. (Opens door and moaning noises are heard) Oh wait, that’s remedial choir."

"(Singing) Ho Ho Ho, stick out your toe! Hee Hee Hee, stick out your knee!"

"Today, Humphrey's gonna teach you all what happens when you get a lung removed: You get ice cream!"

"Tobacco Company Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?"

"Adolph Hitmaker: If you want the world to love you, you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus, or Rush Limbaugh."

"Chicken Shack employee: You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass!"

"From A Little Deb Will Do Ya"

"Bribed Movie Critic: This movie is so good, it makes Hud look like C.H.U.D., and I loved C.H.U.D."

"Orson Welles: Rosebud ... Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness... wait, that's terrible, I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Scoops up a handful of peas and starts popping them in his mouth. Is now off-screen) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Makes eating sounds) Oh yeah."

"Orson Welles: A rich full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (Drinks)"

"Adam West: Well Jay, one of my most amazing films is The Happy Hooker Goes To Hollywood. It came out in 1980, it's one I'm sure you enjoyed all the way to the end."

"Al Pacino: (On the phone) Hoo-ha! Jay, it's Al Pacino. Hoo-ha! I can't stop saying Hoo-ha! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha."

"(Takes a deep breath) Mmmm ... smoke. (Walks in a room on fire) It looks like Hell, but it smells like Heaven."

"(after Jay tells Jeremy that he's going to marry Valerie Fox): Bubbe, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image awards. Two things I've learned from experience."

"(Jay introduces Alice to Duke Phillips) It's nice to meet you, sir. I'll never forget the speech you gave at my high school graduation: "I just drank two bottles of tequila. My wife doesn't know I'm here. Any of you girls over 18?""

"Oh! It time for Humphrey the Hippo!"

"What is this? Annoy The Billionaire Day?!"

"Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! Vote for Duke! ... VOTE FOR DUKE!"

"(Describing himself on a talk show) I'm a self made billionaire. The only person who can bribe me is a Bazillionaire."

"Make him SQUEAL!"

"(A statue of Duke chanting) All hail Duke! Duke is life!"

"Bazooka Duke says CHEW ON THIS!"

"(On the phone) Jay, it’s Doris. I’m at the morgue. Could you come down and tell them I’m not dead? They don’t believe me."

"I can do anything I want. If I want Citizen Kanes last word to be "schwing," then that's what it's gonna be! I'm a god I tell you! A go-- (Clutches his chest in pain, falls to the floor and believes he is dying) Rosebud ... I mean "schwing!""

"(About his new movie) Do you know how much it costs to get Saddam Hussein to play himself?"

"That's it! I'll run for president! Drop a whole mess a' bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court!"

"Jay, you got a very valid point. But on the other hand, shut up!"

"(On the phone) Hello Jay, this is your boss. I've just obtained legal permission to hunt men for sport, and I wondered if you'd like to come to my ranch tomorrow. Bring your jogging shoes."

"I came here to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong, and beg you to come back to work for me again. But then I figured I'd take a moral shortcut and write you a check."

"(Picks up his cell phone) Get Webster on the phone. (On the phone with Noah Webster) Noah, how are you doin'? It's Duke. How much would it cost to make "Quyzbuk" a word? I don't know what it means, uh, how about "a big problem?" Great! How about that other word I invented, "Dukelicious?" No one's using it? What a Duketastrophe."

"(Watching the musical "Hunch") I shaved for this?"

"I don’t know why I ever married you. (zoom out to reveal they're at their own wedding)"

"Jon Lovitz — Jay Sherman, Woody Allen, Various"

"I’m not wearing pants. I split my pants, and now I’m not wearing pants."

"(Watching Jay on TV) On this TV, I do believe his nose is bigger than my foot. (Puts his foot over Jay's nose) Look, see? Isn't that incredible?"

"Son loves Mother, sweet romance. Poor old father has no pants."