The Apprentice (British TV series)

"Lord Sugar: You'll be more accustomed to this than me Shibby, after I say to you that after a thorough examination I have got some bad news for you. (After looking away from Lord Sugar for much of Lord Sugar's deliberations, Shibby looks up for a second, then looks down again for another second then back up again.) You're fired."

"Sandeesh Samra: Babies can't speak to you."

"Christopher Farrell: Call themselves salespeople? Bollocks!"

"Melissa Cohen: There was no room for manoeuvrement!"

"Jamie Lester: (on what he thinks the task will be) Science Museum. So it's gonna be something to do with science, or museums."

"Nick Hewer: Behind me, you can see Stella wearing a very short, sequinned, emerald green dress, waving at people from a window. Amsterdam, maybe, but not in Manchester."

"Alex Epstein: If I was an apple pie, the apples inside would be orange."

"Laura Moore: [suggesting a name for a cleaning product] Blitz? Alex Epstein: The Blitz was a big bombing thing, wasn't it, years ago, like the Blitz in London? Laura Moore: But 'blitz clean', that's a word that people use... Alex Epstein: I think most people that were alive then are dead anyway."

"Stuart Baggs: [gravelly American accent] Coming to a kitchen or bathroom near you. There'll be no mercy...only total devastation."

"Stuart Baggs: Influenza's going to be Cockney. [Cockney accent] 'Let's hide down 'ere. Dey won't find us down 'ere, mate.' [take two, as Influenza] 'Don't worry, E.coli. Come an' 'ide down 'ere wiv me. No cleaner cleans this deep.' [whiny voice, as E.coli] 'Oh no, it's the Germ-o-nator! Urrrrgh!'"

"Lord Sugar: (to Alex shortly before firing him) It is with regret that having given you the change and opportunity, Alex that I'm going to have to say to you, you're fired. Alex Epstein: Nice to meet you Lord Sugar, likewise Nick and Karren. Thank you very much indeed."

"Stuart Baggs: [while filming the backdrop at Brands Hatch] I have to rein in my extreme masculinity in this task."

"Stella English: Lucky for us that you made so many screw-ups, because you could have actually won. You should have won."

"Stuart Baggs: [As Stella] "I can't do anything for myself, I need it all spoon fed to me. [starts making gestures] Where's my spoon? Where's my spoon?""

"Christopher Farrell: I tell you what. Get an extinguisher, and put me out!"

"Stuart Baggs: (Pleading to Lord Alan Sugar) If I work for you it's not going to be from 9 to 5, and I know some people think that. I'll be in the office weekends, even on a Sunday. I'll work for you 24/7. Lord Sugar: I don't need a night watchman. Stuart Baggs: Listen, I will make you so proud of me. Lord Sugar: Uh, I hear your enthusiasm you know? Great enthusiasm. A fly's got enthusiasm but it doesn't stop headbutting the window! Stuart Baggs: Ok, well since I've been in this process I've had 10 weeks and let me tell you, every night I've been thinking of new business ideas that I really want to develop. Let's start a new company, and not only will you be able to put me in an existing one, I can run one for you. I want you to wake up in the morning, and check the bank balance and think "He has made me millions" and I won't be happy with myself unless I've done that for you. Lord Sugar: That is such outrageous promises that you can't guarantee! Stuart Baggs: I’m not a one-trick pony. I’m not a ten-trick pony. I’ve got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this."

"Jamie Lester: (To an audience of tourists) On our left is the River Thames. It's the second largest river in London."

"Jamie Lester: (To an audience of tourists) Straight ahead of you we've got Big Ben. The face of the clock is twenty diameters in width."

"(After listening to Lord Sugar's condemnation of Stuart the remaining candidates show signs of relief in particular Chris and Jamie. Chris feels his shirt collar whilst Jamie sighs with relief.) Lord Sugar: (carrying on the boardroom as if Stuart never existed) Well, we're down to the last four. Two more people are going to leave the process today."

"Margaret Mountford: If I asked "What is the most interesting thing about you?" "I own three properties in the UK, two in Cyprus and a Porsche all before the age of 25. Did I mention I have a third nipple?" Jamie Lester: Third nipple! (laughs) Margaret Mountford: Yes. You're laughing! I'm not!. One or two pages later on, "What's the worst lie you've ever told?" "That I have a third nipple!" Is that supposed to make me laugh? Jamie Lester: No, it's just... Margaret Mountford: Think of a word that applies to that statement. Jamie Lester: Stupid. Margaret Mountford: Puerile!"

"Bordan Tkachuk: Stuart, you're blagging to me. I know what ISP is. It's an Internet Service Protocol. And that's what you're providing. It's not a telecoms operating licence. It's a protocol that allows telecoms over bandwidths. (in reality the "P" in ISP stands for "Provider")"

"Stella English: I think I have the passion that Chris doesn't have."

"Jim Eastwood: I believe I can be the champion thoroughbred that this process requires."

"Leon Doyle: I don’t like your gimmicky salesman who thinks he can sell ice to an Eskimo. Chances are he probably can’t, and why would an Eskimo buy ice?"

"Vincent Disneur: I’m best of breed within my industry. I’ve got plenty of charisma and, yeah, I’m not bad-looking."

"Edna Agbarha: I seek out pain rather than pleasure. A limp handshake is unforgivable."

"Karren Brady: Do you have that all-round business experience? Alex Wotherspoon: I've got as much experience as I could have at my age at twenty-four. Karren Brady: Alex, I was twenty-three when I was running Birmingham City Football Club. You're a year older."

"Paul Kemsley: I want to see this silly impression of a dinosaur that you do. Lee McQueen: Of a reverse pterodactyl? Paul Kemsley: I've got to see it. Lee McQueen: Do you want to see it? Paul Kemsley: Absolutely. Lee McQueen: Unbelievable. Paul Kemsley: Go on. Lee McQueen: Okay-(he performs his reverse pterodactyl impression and then sits back down) Impressive? Paul Kemsley: I don't think Sir Alan would be too impressed. I didn't find it funny but he definitely wouldn't. Lee McQueen: No, and I wouldn't do a reverse pterodactyl in front of Sir Alan- Paul Kemsley: Why don't you just say "No" then? This is a serious interview. It's a serious job."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Claire after he fires Lucinda and has listened to her reason as to why she should stay) I'm gonna let you stay. (to the other candidates) In fact, I'm gonna let you all stay. (sighs of relief from Helene and Lee) And the reason for that, is because you're all very, very good candidates I think. You've all got something in you. And so, all four of you are in the final."

"Sir Alan Sugar: This is job interview from hell. First prize, you get to work for me. Second prize, don't exist."

"Anita Shah: Well done, girls! We're in budget. (after spending all but £2.30 of their £200 budget)"

"Margaret Mountford: Never before in the history of carwashing have so few cars been cleaned by so many people in such a long time."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (after Empire win the task) You look surprised. Howard Ebison: Relieved."

"Ben Clarke: I've got a scholarship to Sandhurst. Philip Taylor: Have you? Ben Clarke: Yeah. James McQuillan: (under his breath) Bloody hell. (Philip looks unconvinced) Philip Taylor: Did you go? Ben Clarke: No."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to James) Who do you think should get fired? James McQuillan: Out of the three of us? I think you should fire the pair of them."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Rocky, you make sandwiches for a living, you've got these 15 shops, you employ 150 people... To come in with a loss is, inconceivable as far as I'm concerned. Rocky Andrews: I'm embarrassed and very disappointed- Sir Alan Sugar: Embarrassed?"

"Ben Clarke: I am the best looking."

"Ben Clarke: I would say Kim, clinically speaking would be considered obese. And James isn't obese, but you can tell he's not exactly fit. He could do with going for a few runs."

"Sir Alan Sugar: Maj, general feeling among my two colleagues here is that you just hand around on the periphery. You don't actually do anything."

"Paula Jones: (unaware that she’s spent over £700 on luxury oils and fragrances) The cost of fragrance is naff all."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Paula’s excuse that she's no good with numbers) You know how to work out redundancy on a calculator, don't you?"

"Ben Clarke: I've got a scholarship to Sandhurst."

"Dru Masters: (after Philip’s performance) He's certainly got some confidence... He may think he's Bono."

"Mona Lewis: (to a confused audience of creative advertising executive) The slogan we've come up with is “Put your pants on the right way.” Not like a superhero, 'cos he's the only one allowed to get away with it. So basically when you eat our cereal you won't dress up like pants man 'cos you're not pants man, only pants man gets away with his pants over his clothes..."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (Commenting on Ben's Pirate Voice) I thought I heard a hoarse Ian Paisley there."

"Sir Alan Sugar: (questioning the bright green box design) It wouldn’t have looked out of place in the fertilisers section or the cat food."

"Ben Clarke: (in the voice of Sir Alan) Ben! (Yasmina and Kate start laughing) I can't decide whether you alienate yourself, or your just no bleedin' good! Kate Walsh: Did he actually say that? Ben Clarke: (normal voice) Yeah. (normal voice) Sir Alan, Sir Alan, I'm going to show you, I'm going to... (In Sir Alan's voice) I've heard enough! You've nearly talked yourself out the bleedin' door! Just shut up! (Kate and Yasmina carry on laughing) Kate Walsh: I've never known anyone go into the boardroom, like very unlikely to get fired, and then ruin it so much for themselves. Ben Clarke: (normal voice) Talk it. Yasmina Siadatan: Just by talking. Ben Clarke: Talk themselves into trouble. Yasmina Siadatan: Trying to create the opposite effect. Ben Clarke: Story of my life. Talk myself into trouble. (All start laughing) Ben Clarke: (In Sir Alan's voice on what he thinks the task will be) The British film industry brings in, a billion quid a year. And from that billion quid, half that revenue is used for purchasing bog roll for the box. You're gonna go today and make some bog roll. Happy bog-rolling! Off you go, with your dossier!"

"Sir Alan Sugar: (to Philip) With all this bravado that you've got, when you soar like an eagle you know, you attract a hunter. And at the moment I feel like I've got a 12-bore shotgun in my hand, do you understand? Because you're coming across a little bit laid back and cocky to me so you tell me why I shouldn't fire you. Phillip Taylor: Right, bottom line is I'm just a bloke from Durham who sells house with a big head. And what I'm saying is that none of these two can win this competition. They can't win it! I can win this! Sir Alan Sugar: Who should get fired then? Phillip Taylor: (to Kimberly despite his animosity with Lorraine) You know what? I think we've settled our differences with Lorraine, but I think you're that naive you've brought me back here I'm frankly disgusted. I think you should go."

"Noorul Choudhury: (at the end of his taxi interview) You haven't seen the last of me. You may have seen the last of Pants Man, but you certainly haven't seen the last of Noorul Choudhury."

"Edward Hunter: Not only am I the youngest person on this team... Gavin Winstanley: Well done! Great! Edward Hunter: ...I'm also the shortest! (Gavin, Leon and Lord Sugar laugh at Edward)"