F.A.T.A.L.

"Caster’s and Target’s head falls off and they die."

"The next female at whom the caster looks will queef 6d12 times in a row (and LOUDLY). [sic]"

"Caster and target begin copulating instantly for 2d10 rounds. Target bites caster’s cock, 2d4 dmg."

"Caster grows a piece of fruit from their dickhole/cuntpipe that ripens in 10 days."

"For those who weren't there, the flame wars weren't very interesting. It was all simply another chapter in the long-ass book of moron game designers who have created the "BEST GAEM EVAR!!!" Except that in this chapter, the obligatory AD&D clone featured vagina circumference stats and rape rolls, and the moron game designer's followers had all the class and brain activity of scrotum lint."

"Oh, they want to be all evil and shocking and crap. God, how pathetically they tried. I mean, imagine opening a door to find your mother and sister raping each other with pink strap-ons. And you then realize that you've never seen their bare asses before, because you're pretty sure you would have remembered the swastikas tattooed there. And upon noticing you, they grin wickedly and give you the finger in unison. It's shocking in a way that instantly blights out all rational thought, but later, you'll have to admit the finger and wicked grinning part was kinda cool. (I...guess.) That's the feeling the FATAL morons so wish they could provoke. Instead, they're more like opening that door to find your weeks-unwashed Otaku brother in his soiled underwear, masturbating furiously to - of all the goddamn things in the world - an Archie comic. And on his bare ass is a tattoo of, inexplicably, someone else's ass, and he's disgustingly fat enough for it to be a good 14 inches across. And as he goes at it, he's quietly moaning to himself about how worthless women, "fags", and "niggers" are and how they should all be raped or murdered. It's still disturbing on all kinds of levels. But it's the kind of stupid disturbing that ends with you having to answer questions to the satisfaction of a prosecuting attorney."

"Anyone with the force of will to endure reading all 900+ pages of this homesick abortion of a game (without going insane and making sacrifices to sweet Azathoth for a merciful annihilation of the universe) is no one to be fucked with. And anyone who could do that and actually play by its anal-retentive trip to hell of a rules system (without succumbing to Hall's probable compulsion to inhale Draino by the assloads) would have to be some kind of demigod."

"Juvenile ideas that even the SenZar [another widely panned RPG] guys would've been too embarrassed to touch. You know, like magical fumbles that cause clones to spawn from your cock, or make you shit constantly, or make you start anal-fisting your target while trying to bite your ear, or make you recite stupid lines that were probably ripped off from metal songs every time you cast a spell. Or magical ingredients like vaginal yeast or the "cunt-pipe" of an elderly virgin."

"[Besides the “date rape RPG”] it’s also the cock fruit, attacking turd, and (of course) gay buttfucking ogre RPG, but one thing at a time!"

"Infant modifiers are presented, in case you wanted to play Baby Geniuses against a backdrop of anus fisting and 16 foot urination. And it's not as crippling as you'd think, either. The total Strength modifier is -90, so if you were lucky enough to roll 180 Strength or so, your infant adventurer will be about as strong as an average adult human. Bodily Attractiveness is also -90, so again, an excellent roll will still leave you with average adult fuckability and little or no BA penalty to those Seduction and Sexual Adeptness rolls."

"Player 1: R0XX0R! This is the best system for emulating the myths of Heracles I've ever seen! And it's fucking sweet how all the gods, monsters, and heroes can't do anything that wouldn't be possible in real life! Player 2: Hell, yeah. When I was trying to get past Cerberus, he wasn't any tougher than a pit bull with two extra rubber heads! And later, when I was masturbating on the temple altar and I angered the gods, they didn't do anything but just Not Appear. Dude, you can't HANDLE the realism! Player 1: W00T! If this were any more realistic, you'd be able to TASTE the penis length! Player 2: Testify! Lots of people in history had penises, so it's ultra realistic and historically accurate to put in rules about that! Player 1: Man, I could cream myself just thinking about this! I can't WAIT to see if it has rules for hut building, grass growing, nose picking, and the spread of Christianity, since people experienced those during history, too!"

"Except that even SenZar Demonians were never this lame. "Most anakim are the result of an incubus or succubus mating with a human. These anakim are more commonly called cambion. Oftentimes, cambion children show no signs of life until they are seven years in age"? Right. Would-Be Mortal Mother: Oh no, a stillborn! Oh, wait, I died during childbirth. Lord Asmodean, Master of the Seven Phalluses: Huh. We should keep it around for seven years, just in case!"

"[T]he Disposition/Morality chapter is basically about Hall spending 25 pages bending "ethical/unethical" to mean "lawful/chaotic" while babbling about the deficiencies and excesses that can turn "morality" into immorality or evil. Gee, how innovative."

"Saying that this game should be burned is an insult to fire."

"I wasn't kidding when I said rape is listed as the least severe of 45 crimes. Gambling, failing to pay your rent, vagrancy, and being a wife who keeps a fucking disorderly house are all listed as more severe. It might be possible to be more of a waste of skin than Hall is, but it'd take more work than climbing a mountain. I mean, really. Hall and his idiot fanboys aren't even wannabe rapists. They're rapists' cheerleaders. Think about how pathetic that is."

"[W]hat would be left if you took the rape out of FATAL? Wow. The prospect of rolling literally hundreds of dice before your character is ready to play, or gaining the power of a giant asshole or the Cock-Eye of Truth from a magical fumble, or perhaps someday even making 20th level so you can finally be the world's best Urinator!"

"There's also the issue that the average human being will have had experience with women, as opposed to the Dunwich-dwelling inbred shack cavemen that wrote FATAL. They borrow stupid generalizations about women from ancient philosophers because they don't have the stones to say what they want to say about women; namely, that they are good because they have penises and women are just there to be slaves to them. This is just pathetic on a Biblical scale."

"It's like an express train full of things designed to hurt your mind; just when you think that it's finished running you over, another car hits you, grinding yet another valuable part of your soul beneath its wheels."

"There is no God, and the proof of this can be found in a .pdf file from Fatal Games."

"[On the “cannibalistic” Anakim hating vegetables] Maybe the guys at the grocery store have convinced the authors that all of the meat sold is actually human flesh, and not pork or beef or chicken like it says on the package. And are probably charging them double for REAL AUTHENTIC HUMAN FLESH."

"You can find personality traits matched up with physical traits, in a bit of quackery that used to be called physiognomy. The guys who wrote FATAL never left a discredited science's leg unhumped."

"In case you're sick of hating the author for his misogyny, you can start hating him for his obsession with crappy rules. If you want to create a druidic circle, then you have to use the following formula: Result = (Ae) + Ae(N1/2-1) That quiet chomping noise you're hearing is the noise that my backbrain makes while it's eating my forebrain, out of rebellion at having to do this. What the formula there suggests is something like number of druids versus time of season or something or other; I don't really care. If you have to do binomial equations in order to figure out how large a circle is, rather than abstracting it, I'm not interested."

"[Giving an example of how combat would hypothetically work] As Jack rounded the corner, he came face to face with the high priest of the cult, blood from the sacrifice still frothing at his mouth. The two stared at each other, then struck simultaneously. Jack's sword cleaved through the cultist's chest, cleaving through the nipple, the xiphoid process - the lowest part of the sternum - and the shoulder blade. The cultist's blade only caused damage to Jack's appendix and his adrenal gland, somehow missing everything else in front of and in back of Jack's adrenal gland and appendix. "Wait just a fucking minute - how the hell did our swords just do that?" said the cultist, idly scratching at his xiphoid process as he surveyed the damage. "Beats the shit out of me. FATAL, I guess," said Jack, and severed the cultist's uterus. "I don't even have a uterus," protested the cultist. "Again: FATAL," said Jack. "Fucking FATAL," muttered the cultist."

"[T]he game's basis in historical accuracy is about as firm and solid as a tubful of gelatin in an ultrasonic mixer. As a matter of fact, what's especially vexing is that the nimrod who wrote this has figured out that if you throw up a thick enough screen of bullshit, then people will get flummoxed and walk away."

"So, basically, FATAL is the date rape RPG."

"Another faulty conclusion drawn by Darren. Where is dating included?"

"[…] if anyone believes in immaculate conception, they're nieve [sic] and primitive."

"FATAL is the best role-playing game that there could be!"