"My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a d…"

"My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad g…"

"Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi, you've just instigated your own muggi…"

"I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head t…"

"[about his mother] Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in fou…"

"[talking about a Christmas fight in which he locked his girlfriend out of the house] When all of the sudden there aro…"

"I don't think a man should EVER hit a woman..... until the 5th time she cracks him in the face."

"How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk ab…"

"I finally stopped drinking when I hit seventeen years old. Yes, imagine the fuckup I must have been. Stopped drinking…"

"So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Time…"