"The debutantes' ball is a Wigglesworth tradition! To starve yourself to fit into a dress, to dance with boys who feel you up and to drink so much you fall into a well. It's a magical night."

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and Happy Birthday."

"(To her ex Johnny, after he wanted to say goodbye before leaving) Aww, that's so sweet. Before you left, I wanted to say "Get bent.""

"Debutante balls are outdated, elitist, and sexist. You said so yourself in your review of Boyz n the Hood."

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. Mom just gave me your old room. Um ... do you still want this Leif Garrett poster?"

"(On the phone) Jay, this is your sister. You got a lot of laughs on The Tonight Show last night. Um ... did you mean to have your fly open the whole time?"

"Great, welcome to our crappy family."

"Now look, I'll be honest. This is the ride I take with all my brother's girlfriends where they admit they're just using him."

"It's okay Dad, money's not important."

"Now, I'm about to take off my shirt. A feeling of mild nausea is normal."

"Well, back to work. Got to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. (starts typing on typewriter) "Chaplin, Polański and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady." Aah! (Throws paper away, starts typing again) "Meathead, Laverne, and Opie: Great Filmmakers of Our Day." (Puts his hands to his head) AAH!"

"I am a movie critic by trade, and until recently, I got paid to tell you people which movies merely stink and which ones you shouldn’t screen near an open flame. Well, I’m putting the burden of lousy movies back on you. It’s very simple: if you stop going to bad movies, they’ll stop making bad movies. If the movie used to be a TV show, just don’t go. After Roman numeral II, give it a rest. If it's a remake of a classic, rent the classic. Tell them you want stories about people, not a hundred million dollars of stunts and explosives. People, it’s up to you. If the movie stinks, just don’t go."

"So you're not good at sports, we'll just have to find out what you are good at. In my case, it's complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots."

"Well, that's all for our show tonight. If you want to read more about trucking, I'm sorry but there just aren't any trucking books out there."

"Goodnight, Critic fans! And a special goodnight to those just tuning in for Home Improvement! (Looney Tunes Theme plays)"

"I did it! Oh, I'm a doc, a happy sneezy doc! (Yawns) Ooh, I'm a sleepy happy sneezy doc. If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy dopey sleepy happy sneezy doc. (Pause) Bashful."

"I promised Alice I'd get her little girl into preschool, and I haven't had any luck. I ate a cheesecake, I took a nap, what more can one man do?"

"(After being pepper sprayed) Mmmm, jalapeno!"

"(A speaking cardboard figure of Jay waving a book) Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!"

"I'm Jay Sherman, the famous film critic. I used to have a big show on ABC ... for about a week."

"When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you."

"This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!"

"And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!"

"(While daydreaming of accepting an Oscar) A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a. A vive Jay Sherman, a vive Quebec-a."

"So you see, looking back, I think the other kids always picked me last for sports because I was smarter than them, not because of my unpredictable bladder."

"(After being held hostage in an Iraqi prison and forced to read a note in front of a T.V. camera) Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G and walks on the beach. Woo-hoo! Kenny G!"

"(Jay's poem to Alice, which he reads to her) The woman I love will be my best friend. We'll make each other laugh, and I'll never be lonely again. Her name will be Alice, and she'll have a sweet Southern accent, and I hope she'll love me too."

"Nothing turns on the chicks like The Human Fly...or was that Spanish Fly?"

"(After being hit on the head by a heavy ball) Skull cracked, brains leaking out, can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie."

"I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!"

"Tress MacNeille — Humphrey the Hippo, Various"

"Kath Soucie — Various"

"Russi Taylor — Penny Tompkins"

"Park Overall — Alice Tompkins"

"Charles Napier — Duke Phillips"