"(to Jake while calling for April) Too late dude, she's with me right now. She says that my peepee's way bigger than yours. And that's if I fold it in half"

"(after kissing April) I am so lesbian right now."

"(crying) Somebody shit in the locker."

"You're the only boy that can make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. Karlie TC sucks!"

"Maria-Elena Laas - Bianca"

"Maritza Murray - Keesha "Ling-Ling" Jackson"

"Jodi Long - Keesha's Mom"

"Matt Weinberg - Booger Spencer"

"Angie Stone - Madame Mambuza"

"Sam Doumit - Eden"

"Megan Kuhlmann - Hildenburg"

"Ashlee Simpson - Monique"

"Adam Sandler - Mambuza Bongo Player"

"Alexandra Holden - Lulu"

"Melora Hardin - Carol Spencer"

"Michael O'Keefe - Richie Spencer"

"Eric Christian Olsen - Jake"

"Matthew Lawrence - Billy"

"Anna Faris - April"

"Rachel McAdams - Jessica Spencer/Clive Maxtone"

"Rob Schneider - Clive Maxtone/Jessica Spencer"

"The hottest chick in town just switched bodies with the luckiest loser in the world."

"Come on, it's not every day that your best friend grows a penis."

"I'll make you a deal. You just let me make another 500 bucks tonight, ok, then I'll give you your body back because it's soooo important to you. (mockingly) Waa, waa, I'm crying about my body! And then you can loan it to me every other weekend so I can pay off some gambling debts."

"(after stealing a box of tampons) I gotta do WHAT??"

"(walking into the bathroom after turning into Jessica) WHERE'S MY...?"

"You think you're so cool 'cause you can pee with your penis. Get a new conditioner, your ends are totally split!"

"Ooooh check out the sweet buns on that guy! I'd like to get my hands on those...(trails off as he notices the macho bartender glaring at him, and then continues)...and wish they were womens' breasts. I'd squeeze the hell out of 'em. Maybe put a steak on 'em. Cause I'm a GUY. And that's what GUYS like me LIKE TO DO!"