"[addressing Gothamites] And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? He's at home, washin' his tights! [he and the crowds laugh; looks up into the sky and sees the Batwing] Winged bat flies through the night and finds me ready. [to Bob the Goon] Bob, Mask. [to crowd in the street as the other goons prepare their own gas masks and he brings out a radio transmitter] And now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said, If you've gotta go, go with a smile!"

"[in TV ad] New and improved Joker products! With the new secret ingredient - Smylex! Now, let's go over to our blind taste test. Uh-oh. He don't look happy. He's been using Brand X! [extends X sound as a hiss] But with new and improved Joker brand...I get a grin, again and again! That luscious tan! Those ruby lips! And hair color so natural, only your undertaker knows for sure! I know what you're saying: 'Where can I get these fine new items?' Well, that's the gag. Chances are, you've bought 'em already! So remember, put on a happy face!"

"Batman? Batman? Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in where a man dressed up as a bat gets all of my press?! This town needs an enema!"

"[reads newspaper] "Winged freak terrorizes". Wait till they get a load of ME!"

"They used to say that a child conceived in love has a greater chance of happiness. They don't say that anymore."

"I belonged to a new underclass, no longer determined by social status or the color of your skin. No, we now have discrimination down to a science."

"Alan Arkin - Det. Hugo"

"Ernest Borgnine - Caesar"

"Elias Koteas - Antonio Freeman"

"Jayne Brook - Marie Freeman"

"Xander Berkeley - Dr. Lamar"

"Gore Vidal - Director Josef"

"Jude Law - Jerome Eugene Morrow"

"Uma Thurman - Irene Cassini"

"Ethan Hawke - Vincent Freeman"

"Only the strong succeed"

"Only one criterion : genetic perfection"

"How do you hide when you're running from yourself?"

"There Is No Gene For The Human Spirit."

"The Prisoner. Her Cell."

"The Prisoner. His Cell."

"Loren Dean - Anton Freeman"

"In a few short years, scientists will have completed the Human Genome Project, the mapping of all the genes that make up a human being. We have now evolved to the point where we can direct our own evolution."

"For someone who was never meant for this world, I must confess I'm suddenly having a hard time leaving it. Of course, they say every atom in our bodies was once part of a star. Maybe I'm not leaving... maybe I'm going home."

"I know you're making a point here. I just don't know what it is."

"You're wasting your time here! I'm not going to report this or anything you do to my crops. To the news or TV, or anybody. You're not going to get famous!"

"Michael Showalter — Lionel Prichard"

"Patricia Kalember — Colleen Hess"

"M. Night Shyamalan — Ray Reddy"

"Cherry Jones — Officer Caroline Paski"

"Abigail Breslin — Bo Hess"

"Rory Culkin — Morgan Hess"

"Joaquin Phoenix — Merrill Hess"

"Mel Gibson — Reverend Graham Hess"

"It's happening."

"The first sign you can't explain. The second sign you can't ignore. The third sign you won't believe."

"A message. A warning. A sign... of things to come."

"The Signs Of Life."

"It's Not Like They Didn't Warn Us."

"[Deleted scene: Merrill stands on a chair, struggling to hold the attic door shut from underneath as an alien tries to enter] This is a very temporary solution!"

"[The TV news plays a Brazilian video, purporting to have a sighting, in which a bunch of Brazilian children excitedly block the view] Move, children! Vamanos! (the humanoid alien, resembling a decomposed, skeletal corpse, passes through a gap in some bushes a few feet away from the camera) OH!!!"

"[The family is watching a news report about strange hovering lights in the sky] The nerds were right. It's like War of the Worlds."

"Everybody in this house needs to calm down, eat some fruit or something."

"First rule of government spending: why build one when you can have two at twice the price?"

"Stephen Young - Gilbert"

"Joseph Cotten - Simonson"

"Paula Kelly - Martha"

"Brock Peters - Chief Hatcher"

"Leigh Taylor-Young - Shirl"

"Chuck Connors - Tab Fielding"