First Quote Added
April 10, 2026
Latest Quote Added
"What's the minus of 30 and 20?"
"If I had some money and a room at the White House, I'd be like, "It's mine, all night!""
"There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine."
"I like having sex with chicks."
"Go away! 'Batin'!"
"I like money."
"That's good, cause I charge by the hour."
"You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb-shits? Now you know why he built that bomb."
"Man! Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me in no damn coffin with tubes and shit!!"
"People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories, so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting."
"Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho."
"Do you really want to live in a world where you’re trying to blow up the one person who is trying to help you?"
"You know things are bad when they're coming to me for answers."
"I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help."
"They're watering crops with a sports drink?"
"Scarface — Upgrayedd"
"Jennifer Vasquez — Camacho's Groupie (uncredited)"
"Andrew Wilson — Beef Supreme"
"Justin Long — Dr. Lexus"
"Thomas Haden Church — Brawndo CEO"
"Mike McCafferty - Officer Collins"
"Stephen Root — Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW"
"Sara Rue — Attorney General"
"David Herman — Secretary of State"
"Brendan Hill — Secretary of Energy"
"Terry Crews — President Camacho"
"Dax Shepard — Frito Pendejo"
"Maya Rudolph — Rita"
"Luke Wilson — Corporal Joe "Not Sure" Bauers"
"Ow My Balls! Guy: Ow, my balls!"
"Robot Vacuum: Your floor—your floor is now clean."
"Dr. Lexus: Don't worry scro'! There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now."
"Dr. Lexus: Right... kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothing, but uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Uh, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know... ha ha, you know what I mean? Like... haha."
"Costco Greeter: Welcome to Costco, I love you... Welcome to Costco, I love you..."
"Time Machine Narrator: ...First to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world! ... But then an even greater force emerged: The un! [sic; United Nations] And the un un-nazied the world! Forever!"
"Various: I like money."
"Carl's Jr. Computer: Welcome to Carl's Jr. Would you like to try our EXTRA BIG ASS TACO? Now with more MOLECULES!"
"Formica Davis: Well, it started off boring and slow, with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: '"Blah blah blah. You've got to believe me!"' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, '"Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that."' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation."
"Extra Big Ass Fries!"
"Mackenzie Astin - Dodger"
"Sue Rossitto - Messy Tessie"
"Arturo Gil - Windy Winston"
"Larry Green - Nat Nerd"
"Robert Bell - Foul Phil"
"Kevin Thompson - Ali Gator"
"Debbie Lee Carrington - Valerie Vomit"
"Phil Fondacaro - Greaser Greg"
"John Cade - Bartender"
"Patty Lloyd - Foster mother"
"John Herman Shaner - Police officer"