"Jennifer's Body is my favourite movie that I've done. It was overlooked in theatres, but it does have a DVD following. I can't believe nobody wanted to see Megan Fox and me hitting it. They had an extreme close-up of our tongues, and I'm telling you, the thing about the scene is that it's actually really sexy. For a young girl to say that about her own sex scene - it must be because it's special. I think Megan and I kissed really well together. We have similar kissing styles and it worked. We got it done for the masses, and the masses still didn't show up."

"She's evil... and not just high school evil."

"Jonas' Dad: YOU HEAR ME, YOU BASTARD?! I'LL CUT OFF YOUR NUTSACK AND NAIL IT TO MY DOOR!!! LIKE ONE OF THOSE LION DOOR KNOCKERS RICH FOLKS GOT! THAT WILL BE YOUR BALLS!"

"Needy's Mom: [to Needy] I dreamed some bad people were trying to nail you to a tree with hammers and big stakes and shit. Just like J.C. But I didn't let 'em get to you, 'cause I'm a hard-sassed, Ford-tough mama bear."

"Chastity: It's true. It's on the Wikipedia."

"Chip Dove: Needy, I care about you. As a person, not just some girl I made love to for four minutes the other night, and I'm scared of what's happening to you."

"Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we're all so cute and it's like if you don't get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you're screwed, okay? Satan is our only hope. We're in league with the Beast now. And we've got to make a really big impression on him. And to do that, we're going to have to butcher you. And bleed you. And then Dirk here is going to wear your face. [Dirk gives him a look] Relax, I'm kidding about the face thing. The rest is going to happen."

"[Grabs Needy's breasts] These are like smart bombs, you point them in the right direction and shoot gets real."

"I don't even know who Needy Lesnicky is anymore. I'm a different person now. A person who uses curse words and kicks orderlies and sees things that aren't there. A very bad, very damaged person... [lifts her top sleeve, revealing Jennifer's bite mark imprinted on her shoulder] But sometimes change can be good! For instance, most occult scholars don't know this, but if you're bitten by a demon, and you live, you just might absorb some of the demon's abilities... You might get lucky for once in your miserable life! [she floats up, kicks out the window and escapes]"

"Hell is a teenage girl."

"George Carlin - the Narrator"

"Cybill Shepherd - Gold Girl"

"Howard Hesseman - Margolis"

"Jay Leno - Larry Miller"

"Tommy Lasorda - Dunphy"

"Lucy: [answering the phone at the Western White House] Hi! United States of America!... No, this is Lucy... Oh! Yes, Mr. Ambassador! I'll tell him you called!"

"Meat Loaf - "Oklahoma Roy" Budnitz"

"Zane Buzby - Mouling Jackson"

"Chief Dan George - Sam Birdwater"

"Fred Willard - Vanderhoff"

"Peter Riegert - McMerkin"

"Harvey Korman - Monty Rushmore"

"John Ritter - President Chet Roosevelt"

"The ultimate spectacle is now a movie."

"Mouling Jackson: [singing] Don't you ever say "No" to me / Listen, I'm a lady. Period. / Classy, too. / Won't you come over here / And I'll prove it to you / And then if you still don't think / I got style and grace / I'm going to oh, so gracefully / rip the lips off of your face!"

"Western White House Tour Guide: All right, people. Let's move it! Please, ma'am. No spitting in the hallway!"

"Panhandler: Excuse me? Sir? Can you spare $25.00 for... for a cup of coffee?"

"President Roosevelt was a successful graduate of EST, Scientology, TM and Primal Grope Therapy. And he was elected on a platform unique in American political history: "I'm not a schmuck!" Even though that was Chet's only campaign promise, it looked like it would be a tough one to keep."

"Everyone all across the country was watching the telethon. From what was left of New York, to the first all-gay state, North Dakota. All eyes were glued to their sets... [shot of men at stand-up urinals watching television] ...which in some cases, ruined a lot of good shoes."

"[in a press conference] God knows I am a patriot. I loaned the country 400 Billion. And I want my 400 Million back. Does that make me a bad guy? I've got to eat too, you know! So I'm giving the President until the end of September this year to pay me back, or I'll be forced to foreclose. What can I do? I've got to eat too, you know! Does that make me a bad guy?"

"Dealin LaValley – Waiter"

"Fabio Lanzoni – Handsome Man"

"Joan Delaney – Woman interviewer"

"Marc Shaiman – Pianist"