"[after getting a pie in the face] Ulp? Brandy? Hah-hah, throw more brandy! Throw brandy! More Brandy! [gets a second pie in the face] Rum! I never mix my pies. I want to play, too."

"Fate:Push the button, Max!"

"[to Leslie, after Leslie allows him to win the race due to him proving his love for Maggie Dubois rather than beating him] I hate you! You, I hate! You, whose clothes are always white, and whose hair is always combed, and whose car is always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!"

"Thieves, brigands and cut-throats of all nations may hound us... but we are ready for them... we shall blast them into Kingdom Come."

"[the men of the Sheriff of Boracho wearing indian hats are approaching them from behind believing they are going to attack him] Smokescreen Max! Give them the smokescreen! No, you idiot! The smokescreen! Push the button, Max!"

"[to Maggie, after Maggie accidentally destroy his garage while confronting the dogs] A pox on you!"

"Push the button, Max! [on numerous occasions.]"

"Eve Arden - Principal McGee"

"Willie Garson - Patsy"

"Kyle Secor - Howard"

"Rosie Perez - Cindy"

"Christian Slater - Adam"

"Marisa Tomei - Caroline"

"He doesn't make sense. She doesn't make sense. Together they make sense."

"It's not right to feel shitty this time of year, but everybody does. It's like this is life, and once you go through it long enough, you realize what the flavor is. And it sure ain't vanilla!"

"It's too bad though. I'd do him, if he wasn't so dumb!"

"Look at him! He's like a tumor sittin' over there. Ugh, and his hair! It just bothers me so much!"

"You are my peace."

"Once people got used to stay away, they always stay away. I never got close to anyone."

"I am not very good with people."

"Magic records and a baboon heart..."

"He doesn't make sense, I don't make sense, together we make sense."

"What worries me is when someone is as screwed up as these guys doesn't want me!"

"My life is like watching the Three Stooges in Spanish!"

"I am going to fall in love with you. You don't have to love me back. I am going to give you my heart."

"He was like an angel, you know? I never knew life could be like that. He was the one thing I followed through in my life, the one thing I didn't give up on. I was good at loving him."

"Don't let people stand in your way. They're just people, like you and me! Well, maybe not like you. I don't know if I have ever met anyone like you before."

"[about her dad] First guy to walk out of my life, definitely not the last. Funny things, you and me. You always stayin' away from love, me always chasin' after it."

"[during her beauty exam] Lady, I'm not butchering your hair. It's a free haircut, so stop your bitching, before I cut it all off, you fat cow!"

"Jean and Liz Sagal - Noreen and Doreen"

"[[w:Dennis Stewart Balmudo"

"Eddie Deezen - Eugene Felsnic"

"[[w:Connie Stevens- Miss Mason"

"Tab Hunter - Mr. Stuart"

"Dody Goodman - Blanche Hodel"

"Sid Caesar - Coach Calhoun"

"[[w:Didi Conn"

"[[w:Pamela Adlon"

"[[w:Christopher McDonald"

"[[w:Maureen Teefy"