Role Playing Games

"Caster begins to hallucinate that they have leprosy and their cock n’ balls/breasts [sic] are gonna [sic] fall off."

"Every time a spell is cast, the caster says “Slicing the flesh, sculptured wounds my catharsis!”"

"Every time a spell is cast, must chant “You’re as ugly as the poo I left in your mama’s mouth!”"

"Every time a spell is cast, the caster says “My balls are tastier than all of yours combined!”"

"Caster writes 100x on the next tree they see: “My name is George…I eat shit for breakfast!”"

"Caster picks up a strange habit: fondling their balls/breasts in public, deliberately in front of bar-maids."

"Caster is forever unable to breathe unless their thumb is plugging up their butt."

"Target creature is far beyond driven to steal undergarments, and must do so once per day or lose 1 LP."

"Caster gives a vulgar display of power with their mouth for war by yelling, “I’m fucking hostile!”"

"Caster must end every sentence with the word ‘fatal.’"

"Caster is compelled to go to the nearest mountaintop and build a cottage."

"Caster literally shits a fucking brick—instantly!"

"Caster has an inexplicable love for ogres. MM decides how the ogres are loved."

"Every time a spell is cast, the caster says “Blood shall flow because killing is all we know!”"

"The next time the caster eats in a bar, they fart, burp, puke, and cough, all at the same time."

"Caster’s and Target’s head falls off and they die."

"The next female at whom the caster looks will queef 6d12 times in a row (and LOUDLY). [sic]"

"Caster and target begin copulating instantly for 2d10 rounds. Target bites caster’s cock, 2d4 dmg."

"Caster grows a piece of fruit from their dickhole/cuntpipe that ripens in 10 days."

"For those who weren't there, the flame wars weren't very interesting. It was all simply another chapter in the long-ass book of moron game designers who have created the "BEST GAEM EVAR!!!" Except that in this chapter, the obligatory AD&D clone featured vagina circumference stats and rape rolls, and the moron game designer's followers had all the class and brain activity of scrotum lint."

"Oh, they want to be all evil and shocking and crap. God, how pathetically they tried. I mean, imagine opening a door to find your mother and sister raping each other with pink strap-ons. And you then realize that you've never seen their bare asses before, because you're pretty sure you would have remembered the swastikas tattooed there. And upon noticing you, they grin wickedly and give you the finger in unison. It's shocking in a way that instantly blights out all rational thought, but later, you'll have to admit the finger and wicked grinning part was kinda cool. (I...guess.) That's the feeling the FATAL morons so wish they could provoke. Instead, they're more like opening that door to find your weeks-unwashed Otaku brother in his soiled underwear, masturbating furiously to - of all the goddamn things in the world - an Archie comic. And on his bare ass is a tattoo of, inexplicably, someone else's ass, and he's disgustingly fat enough for it to be a good 14 inches across. And as he goes at it, he's quietly moaning to himself about how worthless women, "fags", and "niggers" are and how they should all be raped or murdered. It's still disturbing on all kinds of levels. But it's the kind of stupid disturbing that ends with you having to answer questions to the satisfaction of a prosecuting attorney."

"Anyone with the force of will to endure reading all 900+ pages of this homesick abortion of a game (without going insane and making sacrifices to sweet Azathoth for a merciful annihilation of the universe) is no one to be fucked with. And anyone who could do that and actually play by its anal-retentive trip to hell of a rules system (without succumbing to Hall's probable compulsion to inhale Draino by the assloads) would have to be some kind of demigod."

"Juvenile ideas that even the SenZar [another widely panned RPG] guys would've been too embarrassed to touch. You know, like magical fumbles that cause clones to spawn from your cock, or make you shit constantly, or make you start anal-fisting your target while trying to bite your ear, or make you recite stupid lines that were probably ripped off from metal songs every time you cast a spell. Or magical ingredients like vaginal yeast or the "cunt-pipe" of an elderly virgin."

"[Besides the “date rape RPG”] it’s also the cock fruit, attacking turd, and (of course) gay buttfucking ogre RPG, but one thing at a time!"

"Infant modifiers are presented, in case you wanted to play Baby Geniuses against a backdrop of anus fisting and 16 foot urination. And it's not as crippling as you'd think, either. The total Strength modifier is -90, so if you were lucky enough to roll 180 Strength or so, your infant adventurer will be about as strong as an average adult human. Bodily Attractiveness is also -90, so again, an excellent roll will still leave you with average adult fuckability and little or no BA penalty to those Seduction and Sexual Adeptness rolls."

"Player 1: R0XX0R! This is the best system for emulating the myths of Heracles I've ever seen! And it's fucking sweet how all the gods, monsters, and heroes can't do anything that wouldn't be possible in real life! Player 2: Hell, yeah. When I was trying to get past Cerberus, he wasn't any tougher than a pit bull with two extra rubber heads! And later, when I was masturbating on the temple altar and I angered the gods, they didn't do anything but just Not Appear. Dude, you can't HANDLE the realism! Player 1: W00T! If this were any more realistic, you'd be able to TASTE the penis length! Player 2: Testify! Lots of people in history had penises, so it's ultra realistic and historically accurate to put in rules about that! Player 1: Man, I could cream myself just thinking about this! I can't WAIT to see if it has rules for hut building, grass growing, nose picking, and the spread of Christianity, since people experienced those during history, too!"

"Except that even SenZar Demonians were never this lame. "Most anakim are the result of an incubus or succubus mating with a human. These anakim are more commonly called cambion. Oftentimes, cambion children show no signs of life until they are seven years in age"? Right. Would-Be Mortal Mother: Oh no, a stillborn! Oh, wait, I died during childbirth. Lord Asmodean, Master of the Seven Phalluses: Huh. We should keep it around for seven years, just in case!"

"[T]he Disposition/Morality chapter is basically about Hall spending 25 pages bending "ethical/unethical" to mean "lawful/chaotic" while babbling about the deficiencies and excesses that can turn "morality" into immorality or evil. Gee, how innovative."

"As an art form, the fantasy role-playing game is directed inward. The players do not perform their roles for an audience but for each other. Because of this introspective quality fantasy role-playing games are almost impossible to appreciate or critique with-out participant observation. This is no doubt why, within the small body of scholarly research on these games, I am unaware of any example in which the scholar has not spent hours playing these games him-or herself. The present study is no exception."

"Now that you have 25 mouths screaming different curses and 50 feet running in different directions, you have a perfect simulation of every birth defect and psychological disorder known to science, and are ready for a grand adventure."

"GMs: Never let players question your GMing decisions. Players: Question everything. This about sums up roleplaying gaming."

"While it is possible to play a single game, unrelated to any other game events past or future, it is the campaign for which these rules are designed. It is relatively simple to set up a fantasy campaign, and better still, it will cost almost nothing. In fact you will not even need miniature figures, although their occasional employment is recommended for real spectacle when battles are fought. A quick glance at the Equipment section of this booklet will reveal just how little is required. The most extensive requirement is time. The campaign referee will have to have sufficient time to meet the demands of his players, he will have to devote a number of hours to laying out the maps of his "dungeons" and upper terrain before the affair begins."

"The new D&D is too rule intensive. It's relegated the Dungeon Master to being an entertainer rather than master of the game. It's done away with the archetypes, focused on nothing but combat and character power, lost the group cooperative aspect, bastardized the class-based system, and resembles a comic-book superheroes game more than a fantasy RPG where a player can play any alignment desired, not just lawful good."

"In many ways I still resent the wretched yellow journalism that was clearly evident in (the media's) treatment of the game — 60 Minutes in particular. I've never watched that show after Ed Bradley's interview with me because they rearranged my answers. When I sent some copies of letters from mothers of those two children who had committed suicide who said the game had nothing to do with it, they refused to do a retraction or even mention it on air. What bothered me is that I was getting death threats, telephone calls, and letters. I was a little nervous. I had a bodyguard for a while."

"One more thing: don’t spend too much time merely reading. The best part of this work is the play, so play and enjoy!"

"A dozen or so of my wargaming associated around the USA for their play-testing and feedback. The reception was overwhelming and all positive. In the spring of 1973 I revised the material to 150 page length - essentially what was printed as the D&D game's three rules booklets in January 1974. This draft of the game was sent out to about 30 people and the reaction was so intense that I was sure we had a winning game. As an aside, at that point I thought we would sell at least 50,000 copies to wargamers and fantasy fans. I underestimated the audience a little. It wasn't until the middle of 1975 that the true scope of the appeal of the 'Dungeons & Dragons' game was understood by me. As to how I conceived and wrote the game in the first place, that would take many pages to explain, so I won't go into it other than to say it was the culmination of more than 30 years of living and doing that enabled the process."

"I know you may feel like going out and taking a stroll, but something seems very wrong today. All is NOT well in Animatronica. Animatronic Village? Village-tronica? (We are working on it.) The point is something is that something is horribly wrong! There have been a lot of bizarre creatures roaming around lately, even some that look like... *gulp* ...us. We aren't prepared to deal with situations like this. Something bad must have happened on the flipside. Go see what you can find. Be careful though, our woodcutting Auto-chipper has gone haywire! It has been jump-scaring me all day! [Glitched] But you don't really believe that do you? There is a task for you to complete. You have to leave."

"I’ve been attacked by the Foxys. (sobbing)"

"We got'em!"

"It's now time."

"Go..home... (dies)"

"This isn't fair... It was never fair. It was supposed to be me. It was always supposed to be me! My world was lush and beautiful, full of strange and colorful creatures! But no, that wasn't enough for you. You wanted to be scared. You wanted to feel dread. And what happened to me? What happened to us? Obscurity... You haven't seen the last of me. Freddy Fazbear isn't the one who will be sharpening his teeth on your bones. It will be me. It will be me…"