Political Activists

"(talking about fixating on one slot machine in Vegas) And I am playing my machine, and playing it, and playing it, and then finally I walk away, and then who shows up? Oh, you know who I'm talkin' about. That's right. That's right. As I'm walking away from my machine I've been on all night long, I actually hear her--and this is Old Lucky Asian Woman--you know her! You know what I'm talkin' about! I actually hear her on "my" machine going [in an Asian accent] "How much I win?! Oh, how much I win?! Oh, what happen? I never play before! It first time I play! Oh, I was walking by, I hit one time, I hit ten thousand dollar!" Bitter and angry! You know what I'm talkin' about! I'm like "give me my money, bitch! Those are my nickels!""

"Next thing I know, there a baby in my ter-litt!"

"Elin Nordegren could not be happier. How many girls here would trade places with her in a second? Where do I sign? First of all, she doesn't have to bang him (Tiger Woods) anymore! And she's probably gonna get, like $500 million! So they keep getting these pictures of her with the two kids, and she's just laughing all the way to the bank...haaa haaa haaa haaa...heugen fleugen heugen fleugen...hjorda fjorda hjorda fjorda..."

"Straight guys, this is your section, wake up (clap clap)."

"She wouldn't shake my hand! I said "C'mon, be a gentleman"."

"(About Elisabeth Hasselbeck) Really Hasselbeck, you're gonna throw down with me? I mean, really? If you're gonna come to the play yard, be prepared to fucking play!"

"(About controversy) What you guys get, that celebrities don't get, is that I live for this shit!"

"I am not gonna engage in a debate that Michael Jackson could be the biological father of any of those kids. I'm not havin it, not tonight. There's no way. Those kids are Whitey, Whitey McGee and Whitey McWhiterson!"

"So then, she looks at Brooke (Shields)'s Dad with his newer wife, and she's like "So, now you're with my ex-husband. Well, congratulations, you can have him"! It was fucking on!!"

"There were two cheerleaders, and their job was to basically go out in skimpy outfits and say hi to the guys........and some of the ladies, if you know what I'm saying."

"When you perform for the Army, they want dick jokes and they want em now!"

"I love my clit. I use it every day. Not a day goes by when I don't use it for something."

"She calls me up and says "Guess what - we're going to the Persian Gulf for Christmas". Immediately I put my hands over my clitoris. I don't want to insult the Muslim culture. It's such a wonderful culture for women - unless you have a clitoris and you're 13 cause they're hacking that shit off!"

"Nothing gets me more nervous than white people who talk black.......I mean, it's fun on "Ricki Lake", but in real life......"

"Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!"

"Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out"?"

"And she's like "Angie Harmon is here"!! So I was like, well let me...well fuck me then and I ran as fast as I could!"

"And yet she has the fucked-up baby voice! And is there anything more charming than a grown woman with a baby voice? Mmmm, yummy! I'm hard thinking about it."

"Alright, Macy Gray.....what exactly is wrong with her? She, for sure has a little mental retardation. Allegedly!"

"I saw Larry King and he was interviewing Pam Anderson. And it was really fun because Pam Anderson...remember when Pam Anderson did her hepatitis tour? Remember when she got hepatitis and then she did a press tour about it, because she is very conscious of woman's issues, and she went on Larry King and she's talking about it. Oh, and by the way, she said she got it from Tommy Lee, which, of course, she did. And Tommy Lee said she got it from a door knob. And...I'm sure that's at least what she got from Tommy Lee. I saw Tommy Lee at an award show two weeks before, I got crabs just from looking at him. So, anyway, she's talking a minute and then she had had her boobs reduced, you know, she keeps getting reduced and bigger and stuff. And then, Larry has the balls to say to her (imitating Larry King), "Aren't you afraid of that plastic surgery?" and, in the meantime, his ears meeting at the back of his neck."

"I am going after everybody. I'm going after Paltrow. Fuck her. Fuck her!"

"Let's just say I'm gonna be so politically incorrect, you might even get sued for being in the audience."

"Uma Thurman is there.......with her big bag of BS!"

"When Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just just do it. If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like "yeah, what's a good time for you?".(Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo Sharon, thanks".(To the audience) Stop picturing it...........and come back!"

"I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits....and break a guitar. So I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side!"

"(Recalling her speech at an AMFAR event that was intended to be a parody of Sharon Stone's earlier speech, reciting the lyrics to John Lennon's "Imagine".) Ladies and gentlemen, I am so honored to be here and Sharon spoke so eloquently before that it reminded me of something I once read a long time ago. You ain't nothin but a hound dog. Oh, gosh, that reminds me, many years ago I was walking down the street in Memphis and I said, "Whoa- that's Elvis"...and I fucked him. I fucked him hard. I did, I did. Sure, he called me 'Cilla the whole time, but I didn't mind. (sobbing) Cryin' all the time, well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine."

"(Recalling her conversation with Anna Nicole Smith eating lunch) All of a sudden, she takes a bite of something and she goes like this (makes a disgusted face) "I don't lahk it." I go, "What's the matter, honey?" and she goes "I don't lahk it. I thought it was mashed pataters." PA-TAY-TERS! I heard it with my own ears. PATATERS. Britney probably wants to marry her now. So, anyway, I looked on her plate and said, "No, it's polenta" and, I swear to God, she looks at me and goes "Pimento?" I said, "No, that's an olive. "Polenta"- it's like mushed-up cornmeal." She goes, "I don't lahk it. I thought..." Mashed pateters, I got it."

"Apparently, Courtney Love was at Whitney's "intervention". And when Courtney Love is telling you, you're hittin the pipe too hard, well, things are bad! They're really bad!"

"I actually share one thing with Whitney Houston, which is, I also have sweating issues."

"I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, "Cracky." Allegedly."

"Huh, guess ah shouldn't huh did it. (imitating Britney's 55-hour husband Jason Allen Alexander) Come on, Mr. Britney. Grammar, grammar."

"Don't you love the new crazy Britney, she's our new Liza."

"So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)"

"I don't know about you, but I fucked a midget. I have secrets."

"She (Monica Lewinsky) is the kinda girl who'll blow a guy and call you and tell you all about it."

"She (Mariah Carey) could not fuck more black rappers. Oh, yeah. If your name is "Puff" or "Daddy," she'll fuck you."

"(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book."

"There's something about Shania Twain I just don't trust. I don't know, I can't put my finger...she's just too thin. I like my country singers to have the big hair and the big ass."

"Have you guys noticed that Madonna is British now? OK, let's talk about her lineage for a minute. Raised in Michigan, moved to New York, is British. She started turning British like at the Golden Globes and she was doing the interviews and she says "telly" instead of "television" and she uses the word "actually" way too much and then she's also sorta bringing her voice down to a register around here (brings her voice down) and she's being interviewed for the Golden Globes and she's got whole, you know, crazy hair that everybody hated and everybody has and they were saying, "Well, Madonna, we're so glad to have you at the Golden Globes." (speaks in Madonna British accent) "Well, actually, it is more fun to come here than watch it on the telly". You know. Look, I'm from the midwest- its a TV."

"You know what's great about my mom? She compulsively swears and doesn't know it. Like...I mean, she doesn't have Tourettes. I could never get that lucky. Can you imagine how it would be to have parents with Tourettes? I would be in heaven...but anyway. That is one funny fucking disease."

"4th booster f**kers. Oh, and CVS gave us EIGHT free Covid tests for getting boosted!"

"Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Now, a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is- suck it, Jesus! This award is my god now!"

"We didn't know that the (Jackson) family was as nuts as we're now finding out. Who knew that Michael was the normal one??"

"Do you know why I'm thin? Because I'm hungry ALL the time!"

"Because Oprah would be like "DID YOU DO COOOOCAAAAAAINE???""

"I'm saying that she (Whitney Houston) looks great for a "singer"......the way Courtney Love is a "singer"."

"I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be...ahm....voluptuous!"

"(After Houston asks the audience in Central Park to sing along to a new, un-aired song) And the poor gays with the signs are like "We don't know that song yet....it's not even (on the radio)...go Diva....I mean, we don't know that song. I would like to...I don't...??""

"The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking."

"It was sweaty Whitney (Houston) in Central Park. She knew that park pretty well. Every bush!"