People From Bristol

"Anyone can do well … It’s all out there waiting for you to take. But first you must reach out and get it. You must work for your riches. You cannot expect it to fall into your lap."

"It is the law of life that if you are kind to someone you feel happy. If you are cruel you are unhappy. And if you hurt someone, you will be hurt back."

"Don’t go to extremes. Don’t hate too much and don’t love too much. Try to live somewhere in the middle. Hate destroys the hater. And if you love too much you get too involved and you cannot see too clearly. Love and hate are like night and day. They do exist together and you must accept them both, but you must also understand them and be in control of both emotions. It is peaceful in the middle. You won’t be hurt in the middle."

"Do not blame others for your own mistakes. … YOU are Mother Nature. You have the power within you to be thin or fat, as you desire. … God is within you, and you can do and have anything you want. You must love yourself more. … and then … you can love your fellow man."

"I’m prepared. I have a gun and I know how to shoot, and whoever comes calling without an invitation will get it in the rear end."

"The film I most cared about was a flop. None But the Lonely Heart was the only time I played a character very near myself, a man unsure of himself, a drifter, a rake."

"On The Awful Truth we just clicked. She'd been a weepie star and comedy was strange to her. She'd do a bit and whisper to me, "Funny?" She was the sweetest smelling of my leading ladies and such a lady. If one of the crew cussed, she'd blush. She claims she was out shopping at Bullocks for a present for her husband and the saleslady said, "I don't think Mr. Grant would like that." In the minds of the public, we were married. Reunions became impossible because we both liked first billing. It's ladies first in rowboats but not in movies, I'm afraid. But I still see her at the races and she still smells wonderful, although it's not ."

"My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between times, I occupy myself as best I can."

"I do! I don't remember ever saying it in a movie, but now, every once in a while when I'm with friends, I say, "Judeeee, Judeeee, Judeeee," and everyone breaks up. Isn't that a good imitation of an imitation of an imitator?"

"I often think my life has been a failure. But whenever I drop into a theater and hear women laugh at one of my films, I think, well, if I brightened their day before they went home and did the dishes, maybe my life wasn't wasted, after all."

"Everybody wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant. I have spent the greater part of my life fluctuating between Archie Leach and Cary Grant; unsure of either, suspecting each. I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until finally I became that person. Or he became me."

"I really am a happy, amusing fellow at heart. Trouble is I seem the only one left."

"I suppose you might call me the sophisticated type. I like to act with dialogue. Not with grunts."

"The best spot painting you can have by me is one painted by Rachel."

"I just wanted to find out where the boundaries were. So far I've found there aren't any. I just wanted to be stopped, and no one will stop me."

"I can’t wait to get into a position to make really bad art and get away with it. At the moment if I did certain things people would look at it, consider it and then say "f off". But after a while you can get away with things."

"Great art – or good art – is when you look at it, experience it and it stays in your mind. I don't think conceptual art and traditional art are all that different. There's boring conceptual art and there's boring traditional art. Great art is if you can't stop thinking about it, then it becomes a memory."

"I started taking cocaine and drink ... I turned into a babbling fucking wreck."

"I was with this guy who was a plasterer, and at lunchtime he was eating a stuffed heart . . . I was thinking, "I'm not like these guys. I'm an artist." And I saw a bee come over to some flowers and get all the pollen out. I was looking and thinking, "How does it do that?" And then the guy who was eating the stuffed heart said, "How does that bee do that?""

"It’s not a coincidence that governments use art on coins and notes. They do this to help us believe in money. Without art, it’s hard for us to believe in anything."

"Why haven't they got cameras? The officials can speak to each other easily enough now. Why aren't we using laptops that are linked up and can give a decision in five seconds? A chimpanzee could do it - with not much training. We might as well go back to being cavemen, grab our girl by the hair, drag her into the cave whether she wants to come in or not because we may as well live in that age. We've come forward, haven't we?"

"If you're a burglar, it's no good poncing about outside somebody's house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don't advocate that obviously, it's just an analogy."

"I love Blackpool. We're very similar. We both look better in the dark."

"To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She wasn't the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee - on the "ugly" win against Chesterfield."

"Apparently it's my fault that the Titanic sank."

"We're like a bad tea-bag - we never stay in the Cup that long - reacting to his QPR side's defeat in the League Cup (then known as the Carling Cup for sponsorship reasons) to Aston Villa in September 2004."

"The kid makes you sick. He looks the part, he walks the part, he is the part. He's six-foot something, fit as a flea, good-looking - he's got to have something wrong with him....Hopefully he's hung like a hamster! That would make us all feel better!"

"In football you need to have everything in your cake mix to make the cake taste right. One little bit of ingredient that Tony uses in his cake gets talked about all the time is Rory’s throw. Call that cinnamon and he’s got a cinnamon flavoured cake. It’s not fair and it’s not right and it’s only a small part of what he does."

"Reporter: Ian, have you got any injury worries? Holloway: No, I'm fully fit, thank you."

"I'd rather do that than build chicken sheds no-one wanted!"

"In the first-half we were like the Dog and Duck, in the second-half we were like Real Madrid. We can't go on like that. At full-time I was at them like an irritated Jack Russell."

"Our grandparents fucking ate anything put in front of them! Your granddad would say "What's for tea, love?" "Tripe!" "Oooooohh! Animal stomach lining for fucking tea, man!" They ate anything, fucking monkey's phlegm, orangutan's bollocks. I dunno, I'm just making them up now... chicken's quiff!... Bird's arse, ya know!"

"It's like unison, "Welcome to speech therapy, all together!"..."NAOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!""

"We don't get telly round our way, sir"! "Yeah, we hang you buggers round our way, we do"… "No, we all came on the same coach, sir"… "Norwich, that's us, sir." There's a bloke on the fifth row going "You're gonna die now, sir, you are!"

"Bees. They don't know they've even got a fuckin' sting. It's like buzzes, it's a twat with a shotgun!"

"My wife, she is a beautiful woman, but in labour she turned into fucking Jack Nicholson from The Shining. "You. You fucking did this to me!" "But I thought it was a shared experience" "No. You fucking did this!""

"They'll drop a cage into the water, and the shark'll be. like, "What you doin' down 'ere? What you fuckin' doin' down 'ere?" And they'll get a bit of meat on a stick and go "Oy! Wanker! Bleurgh!" And they’ll go "Oh, is that for me?" [pretends to shove meat in shark’s mouth] "You fuckin’...""

"I was thinking to myself out there — well, you wouldn't think you're anybody else, would you?"

"I don't come out on film. I get the red eye. Blokes like that: [imitates knocking someone out] "You fuckin' will in a minute, ya twat!""

"The Happy Eater! They're miserable as fuck! You go in the Happy Eater, you'll see a woman behind the counter at the deep fat frier like this [sobs] "DON'T ASK FOR CHIPS! [sobs louder] I FUCKIN' HATE CHIPS!" "Chips with this, chips with that... chips with me an' all." I'll stick me head in the deep fat frier in a minute: "Chips with this, chips with that...""

"TGI Friday's, American style restaurant. Well, they're mental, they're mental. I dunno. It's American, "Have a nice day" and everything. So I go in, sit in a booth. This bloke comes out of the kitchen and went [in a high-pitched voice] "HI!" [imitates fireworks whistling] "Yes, you are, aren't you?" What are they on in there? They must be in the kitchen, going [imitates snorting cocaine] "HIGH! WHAT CAN I DO FER YOU?" "You can fuck off!" "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO FUCK OFF?" "With a punch up the neck, get out of it!" I've figured out a way to get them back: be the same as them, just before you go in, get yourself prepared and go like "HI!" They come round there, like, "H-... OH, MY GOD, THE SAME AS US!""

"Jed Exodus, sounds like he's gonna go get changed in a phone box [heroic American accent] "WATCH OUT FOR JED EXODUS... I AM THE PISSER... I CAN FILL A LOO IN NO TIME." That's where he's probably just gone now, out to prevent a crime. "HEY YOU, GET AWAY FROM THAT WOMAN AND STOP MUGGING HER." "All right mate, all right." "THERE YOU GO, MADAM, YOU CAN GO ON YOUR WAY, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS, PISS.""

"Someone walked up to me the other day and went "Excuse me... Can you show me where the station is, please?" I said "Yes, officer, if you just...""

"I said to my wife "If I ever get like that, ya know, mumbling to myself and shitting my pants, shoot me." She said "Fucking run, monkey boy!""

"All blokes get to that stage when they get bigger than their dad, like fourteen/fifteen, and he can't hit you no more. And he's, like, "Go to your room!" And you're, like, [high-pitched voice] "Nah! Fucking nah, Dad! [imitates smoking] Things are gonna change around 'ere." Now he didn't hit me, but it took a team of surgeons to remove that fag from my arse."

"My phone will ring at three in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that, we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

"[About doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five, and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No, you fuckin' won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!""

"This bloke, I swear he's in any supermarket car park. He's great. He walks across the car park, and he's got one of those fobs, and he opens his car before he gets there. [posh voice] "Ha, ha, ha! I don't know if you saw what I just did there, but I actually opened my car door before I actually physically got there!""

"I love restaurants. And that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants: "Proper home-made cooking." I don't want home-made cooking. That's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say whose home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!"

"You ever get lost with your wife in the car? You're completely lost, and they always say the same thing: "Oh, let's just go home. WE'RE FUCKING LOST!" "What, did you throw bread out the fucking window?""