Magazines

"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every Ma Nugget weighs the same. (#343 – 03/1996)"

"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults. (#342 – 01-02/1996)"

"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep. (#341 – 12/1995)"

"How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America? (#340 – 10-11/1995)"

"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day! (#339 – 09/1995)"

"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train. (#338 – 08/1995)"

"Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade. (#337 – 07/1995)"

"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard. (#336 – 06/1995)"

"A plastic surgeon's office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose. (#335 – 05/1995)"

"Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and then selling your story on TV. (#334 – 03-04/1995)"

"Parents supporting their kids in college get poorer by degrees. (#333 – 01-02/1995)"

"A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course. (#332 – 12/1994)"

"America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign. (#331 – 10-11/1994)"

"Ever notice how random chance always picks you for Jury Duty, but never to win the Lottery? (#330 – 09/1994)"

"Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check. (#329 – 07-08/1994)"

"Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are? (#328 – 06/1994)"

"Too often, people who want to offer sound advice give us more sound than advice. (#327 – 05/1994)"

"The reason many people are lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. (#326 – 02-03/1994)"

"These days, the problem with many neighborhoods is that there are more hoods than neighbors. (#325 – 02/1994)"

"Most people don't act stupid; it's the real thing. (#324 – 01/1994)"

"The reason most doctors don't believe in acupuncture is because they'd rather stick us with the bill. (#323 – 12/1993)"

"English is a language where double negatives are a no-no. (#322 – 10/1993)"

"How is it that people looking for a helping hand tend to overlook the one at the end of their own arm? (#321 – 09/1993)"

"It's a good idea to save your money. One day, it might be worth something again. (#320 – 07/1993)"

"April 15th is a day that tests a person's power of deduction. (#319 – 06/1993)"

"If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows an three tellers? (#318 – 04/1993)"

"The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name the streets after them. (#317 – 03/1993)"

"The problem with the ladder of success is that by the time you've climbed it, you're considered over the hill. (#316 – 01/1993)"

"Politicians are people who get sworn in and then cursed out. (#315 – 12/1992)"

"The distance between many people's ears is a block. (#314 – 10/1992)"

"The trouble with learning from experience is that you get the test before the lesson. (#290 – 10/1989)"

"A born executive is a guy whose father owns the business. (#236 – 01/1983)"

"What, Me Worry? (#24 – 07/1955)"

"It takes one to know one — and vice versa. (#344 – 04/1996)"