Interpersonal Relationships

"But Time's stern tide, with cold Oblivion's wave, Shall soon dissolve each fair, each fading charm."

"The true spirit of conversation consists more in bringing out the cleverness of others than in showing a great deal of it yourself; he who goes away pleased with himself and his own wit is also greatly pleased with you. Most men would rather please than admire you; they seek less to be instructed, and even to be amused, than to be praised and applauded; the most delicate of pleasures is to please another person."

"Pray present my benediction to your charming wife, who I am sure would bring any plant in the garden into full flower by looking at it, and smiling upon it."

"Beauty of the face is the outward charm of a human being, and the beauty of soul is his inner charm."

"Charisma, a person or thing's pronounced ability to attract others"

"A spell (paranormal) or incantation"

"Charm appertains to the essence of the person or thing endowed with it. It cannot be acquired, it cannot be got rid of, and its results are produced without effort, since the person who has it cannot help producing them."

"Men are constantly attracted and deluded by two opposite charms: the charm of competence which is engendered by mathematics and everything akin to mathematics, and the charm of humble awe, which is engendered by meditation on the human soul and its experiences. Philosophy is characterized by the gentle, if firm, refusal to succumb to either charm. It is the highest form of the mating of courage and moderation. In spite of its highness or nobility, it could appear as Sisyphean or ugly, when one contrasts its achievement with its goal. Yet it is necessarily accompanied, sustained and elevated by eros. It is graced by nature's grace."

"Oh, it's — it's a sort of bloom on a woman. If you have it, you don't need to have anything else; and if you don't have it, it doesn't much matter what else you have. Some women, the few, have charm for all; and most have charm for one. But some have charm for none."

"Self-regulation is the basis of freedom, and dependence the origin of inequality."

"The individual has become more conscious than ever of his dependence upon society. But he does not experience this dependence as a positive asset, as an organic tie, as a protective force, but rather as a threat to his natural rights, or even to his economic existence. Moreover, his position in society is such that the egotistical drives of his make-up are constantly being accentuated, while his social drives, which are by nature weaker, progressively deteriorate."

"The dependence of the individual upon society is a fact of nature which cannot be abolished."

"He always pictured himself a libertarian, which to my way of thinking means "I want the liberty to grow rich and you can have the liberty to starve". It's easy to believe that no one should depend on society for help when you yourself happen not to need such help."

"He is no longer with me—by my orders—but then that is merely the carrying-out of an order, after all a kind of negative being-with-me, as he would say. As for any independent life which Bashan might lead without me during these hours—that is not to be thought of."

"If someone wishes to alter a relationship, they must discuss it with the other person, negotiate the change, and listen to the other person’s account. There is no ethical way around it."

"The inner life is lived in a strange enough world; for in truth each man and woman dwells in a different environment—so different that I believe that there are not two people who have so much as half of it in common. Men know each other's inner world so slightly that they neglect this difference, and it is only when two people have a relation of utter love and trust that their inner lives begin to become perceptible to each other and are revealed as mutually most strange."

"Peer relationships, also referred to as “equivalent status” relationships (Sias, Krone, & Jablin, 2002), are relationships between co-workers with no formal authority over one another. These relationships represent the bulk of workplace relationships, as employees typically have only one supervisor but several peer co-workers. Peer relationships perform a variety of important functions in the workplace. Peer co-workers are the most likely, and most important, source of emotional and instrumental support for employees, primarily because co-workers possess knowledge and understanding about the workplace experience that external sources do not (Ray, 1987). Moreover, peers act as a second “set of eyes and ears” for one another, sharing important organizational information and gossip that may otherwise be unobtainable (Rawlins, 1994). Kirby and Krone (2002) note the powerful influence peer co-workers have on one another with respect to workplace attitudes and behavior. Thus, peer relationships are of great consequence to organizational functioning. Peer relationships, like supervisor–subordinate relationships, vary with respect to quality. Kirby and Krone (2002), for instance, noted the ways in which peer co-workers cluster into sub-groups based upon the employees’ family status (e.g., married/unmarried; children/childless). They found that interaction among these groups of employees differed and had significant impact on the employees’ attitudes toward, and use of, the organization’s work–family policies. Sias and Cahill (1998) examined the ways employees form different types of relationships with their co-workers ranging from acquaintance, to friend, to very close or best friend. Interaction among these various relationship types differed in fundamental ways. Specifically, friends engaged in much more frequent, intimate, and open communication than did acquaintances. In addition, communication between co-workers became increasingly broad and intimate as their friendships grew closer."

"Evidence of the destructiveness of unrealistic expectations can be found in the literature on cognition and marriage. For example, people who feel that their relationship standards (e.g., how alike they believe they should be, the degree to which they should engage in acts of caring and concern for each other) are unmet are more inclined to report more negative cognitive and affective reactions to marital problems (Baucom et al., 1996). Further, research on relationship beliefs indicates that idealistic and unrealistic beliefs, like “mind reading is expected” (partners who truly care about and know one another should be able to sense each other’s needs and preferences without overt communication), “sexual perfectionism” (one must be a “perfect” sexual partner) and “disagreement is destructive” (disagreements in marriage are a sign of impending doom) are positively associated with marital distress (eidelson & Epstein, 1982; Epstein & Eidelson, 1981) and negatively associated with the desire to maintain the relationship (Eidelson & Epstein, 1982)."

"Individuals primarily seek social relationships to fulfill their need for belonging (Baumeister and Leary 1995; Lee and Robbins 1998). Human beings are social animals and because ‘no man (woman) is an island’ (Donne 1975), people are naturally inclined to make social connections to satisfy their need for belonging (Maslow 1954; Brewer 2005). Baumeister and Leary (1995) described belonging, the need to form and maintain interpersonal bonds, as one of the fundamental motivations behind human behavior. Most research indicates a common definition of what loneliness is – it is an aversive psychological state due to a person’s perception of lacking satisfactory social relationships. Quantity of social relationship is a contributing factor to lonely feeling: people will feel ‘lonely’ when there are too few people around them (Russell, Peplau and Cutrona 1980), as opposed to the ‘crowded’ feeling when individuals are surrounded by too many people. However, quality may be more important than quantity at times. As the sufficient number of relationships varies among individuals (Jones 1982), loneliness has also been understood as the perception that one’s existing interpersonal relationships do not meet one’s expectations (Weiss 1973; Gordon 1976; Peplau and Caldwell 1978; 4266 L.W. Lam and D.C. Lau Downloaded by [University of Macau Library] at 00:54 22 September 2012 Newcomb 1990; Green, Richardson, Lago and Schatten-Jones 2001). Other scholars describe loneliness as painful feelings and emotional distress due to insufficient or unsatisfactory social connections or relationships (Rook 1984; Cacioppo et al. 2006; Cacioppo and Patrick 2008; Rotenberg et al. 2010)."

"Freedom lovers must learn to tune in to the underlying truth of the power of personal relationships. But we must do so with intentions of goodwill when reaching out to others who don’t share our views. And we must express our true beliefs without the self-censorship that political correctness demands. …So be a real friend to others, not an “influencer” who seeks to exploit people under the guise of friendship to push for a collectivist agenda. Keep your eyes peeled for signs of “changemakers” who pretend to come to “depolarize,” but are really seeking to colonize your town and your mind."

"Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is our only chance of survival as a race. This will affect every aspect of your life and close relationships in particular. Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now. As you may have noticed, they are not here to make you happy or fulfilled. If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world. For those who hold on to the old patterns, there will be increasing pain, violence, confusion, and madness.Most humans are still in the grip of the egoic mode of consciousness: identified with their mind and run by their mind. If they do not free themselves from their mind in time, they will be destroyed by it. They will experience increasing confusion, conflict, violence, illness, despair, madness. Egoic mind has become like a sinking ship. If you don't get off, you will go down with it."

"As the egoic mode of consciousness and all the social, political, and economic structures that it created enter the final stage of collapse, the relationships between men and women reflect the deep state of crisis in which humanity now finds itself. As humans have become increasingly identified with their mind, most relationships are not rooted in Being and so turn into a source of pain and become dominated by problems and conflict."

"Perhaps it is the deprivation that keeps hearts connected. Once everything is fulfilled, wings sprout in everyone’s heart, and they fly off to different destinations. How can a relationship stay warm with just the body, when the heart is absent?""

"The most widely-accepted theory regarding supervisor–subordinate relationship quality is Leader–Member Exchange (LMX) Theory (Graen & Scandura, 1987). According to LMX theory, supervisors form different types of relationships with their various employees and these relationships vary with respect to quality (Graen, Dansereau, & Minami, 1972; Graen & Schiemann, 1978). In general, higher quality supervisor–subordinate relationships (also known as “in-group” relationships) are characterized by higher levels of mutual trust, respect and obligation among the relationship partners. In such relationships, leaders and members learn they can count on one another for support and encouragement. As a result, higher quality relationships function more as “partnerships” where “members move beyond their own self-interests to focus on larger mutual interests” (Graen & Uhl-Bien, 1995). Leader–member relationship quality is associated with a variety of important individual and organizational outcomes. For example, employees in higher quality relationships report higher levels of job satisfaction (Graen, Novak, & Sommerkamp 1982) and commitment to the organization (Nystrom, 1990) than do employees in lower quality relationships. In addition, research indicates leader–member relationship quality is negatively related to employee turnover (Graen, Liden, & Hoel, 1982). Focusing largely on such outcomes, LMX research has given only limited attention to the communication that occurs between leaders and members (e.g., Fairhurst, 1993). This work provides some direction for speculation regarding how leader–member relationship quality might be associated with employee information experiences. High quality LMX relationships tend to be characterized by high levels of trust and self-disclosure (Duchon, Green, & Taber, 1986). As a consequence, supervisors and subordinates may communicate more openly (i.e., more frequently and about more 378 P. M. Sias issues) in high quality relationships than in low quality relationships. Thus, employees in high quality relationships likely receive more information from their supervisors, than those in low quality relationships"

"Most people don't know how to listen because the major part of their attention is taken up by thinking. They pay more attention to that than to what the other person is saying, and none at all to what really matters: the Being of the other person underneath the words and the mind. Of course, you cannot feel someone else's Being except through your own. This is the beginning of the realization of oneness, which is love. At the deepest level of Being, you are one with all that is. Most human relationships consist mainly of minds interacting with each other, not of human beings communicating, being in communion. No relationship can thrive in that way, and that is why there is so much conflict in relationships."

"Even walking side by side for a long time, some relationships never touch the heart."

"... many of us will have managed to drink alcohol, even drink too much alcohol, for much of our lives without waking up in a police cell or becoming suicidal. And although we may, occasionally, have made idiots of ourselves, there may have been more positive consequences, too: who knows what proportion of long-term relationships in Britain began under the influence of booze? I’d guess a majority."

"In a relationship, if there aren't equal rights to agree and disagree, it won't lead anywhere, and I don't want to be bound in a relationship that goes nowhere."

"In a relational culture of cynicism and despair, churches can provide hope and help in living the vocations of marriage and family life that most of us are called to. The best dating app can only start relationships. Churches can nurture and sustain them."

"In the mixing and matching of two largely unknowable histories (of genetic endowment and personal experience), the only sane foregone conclusion about any relationship is that it is an experiment; and that exactly what it is an experiment in will never be clear to the participants."

"Every relationship is fundamentally a power struggle, and the individual in power is whoever likes the other person less."

"One who desperately tries to shatter and ruin a long-standing relationship for being incapable of handling a single 'no'—how would they react to hearing countless 'no's once the relationship deepens? I am no longer willing to maintain a relationship that can be deteriorated by a single 'no'.""

". . . The man Of virtuous soul commands not, nor obeys. Power, like a desolating pestilence, Pollutes whate'er it touches; and obedience, Bane of all genius, virtue, freedom, truth, Makes slaves of men, and of the human frame A mechanized automaton."

"Your wish is my command, Master."

"The poor man’s son ... devotes himself for ever to the pursuit of wealth and greatness. To obtain the conveniencies which these afford, he submits in the first year, nay in the first month of his application, to more fatigue of body, and more uneasiness of mind, than he could have suffered through the whole of his life from the want of them. ... He makes his court to all mankind; he serves those whom he hates, and is obsequious to those whom he despises. Through the whole of his life he pursues the idea of a certain artificial and elegant repose which he may never arrive at, for which he sacrifices a real tranquillity that is at all times in his power."

"Let them obey that know not how to rule."

"Like so many other animals, we have an often-frantic need to conform, belong, and obey. Such conformity can be markedly maladaptive, as we forgo better solutions in the name of the foolishness of the crowd."

"It fits thee not to ask the reason why, Because we bid it."

"You made your rulers mighty, gave them guards, So now you groan 'neath slavery's heavy rod."

"Πειθαρχεῖν δεῖ Θεῷ μᾶλλον ἢ ἀνθρώποις."

"Εἰ ἀπεθάνετε σὺν Χριστῷ ἀπὸ τῶν στοιχείων τοῦ κόσμου, τί ὡς ζῶντες ἐν κόσμῳ δογματίζεσθε;"

"I shall love and respect, but neither command nor obey."

"You were bought with a price; stop becoming slaves of men."

"All that Jehovah has spoken we are willing to do, and we will be obedient."

"We do speak a wisdom among the mature, but not a wisdom of this age, or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing."

"There are few things as nauseating as pure obedience."

"One so small Who knowing nothing knows but to obey."

"Obedience is as basic an element in the structure of social life as one can point to. Some system of authority is a requirement of all communal living, and it is only the man dwelling in isolation who is not forced to respond, through defiance or submission, to the commands of others. Obedience, as a determinant of behavior, is of particular relevance to our time. It has been reliably established that from 1933-45 millions of innocent persons were systematically slaughtered on command. Gas chambers were built, death camps were guarded, daily quotas of corpses were produced with the same efficiency as the manufacture of appliances. These inhumane policies may have originated in the mind of a single person, but they could only be carried out on a massive scale if a very large number of persons obeyed orders. Obedience is the psychological mechanism that links individual action to political purpose. It is the dispositional cement that binds men to systems of authority. Facts of recent history and observation in daily life suggest that for many persons obedience may be a deeply ingrained behavior tendency, indeed, a prepotent impulse overriding training in ethics, sympathy, and moral conduct. C. P. Snow (1961) points to its importance when he writes:"

"Even if all the nations that live under the rule of the king obey him, and have chosen to obey his commandments, every one of them abandoning the religion of their ancestors, I and my sons and my brothers will continue to live by the covenant of our ancestors. Far be it from us to desert the law and the ordinances. We will not obey the king’s words by turning aside from our religion."

"The legal and philosophic aspects of obedience are of enormous importance, but they say very little about how most people behave in concrete situations. I set up a simple experiment at Yale University to test how much pain an ordinary citizen would inflict on another person simply because he was ordered to by an experimental scientist. Stark authority was pitted against the subjects' [participants'] strongest moral imperatives against hurting others, and, with the subjects' [participants'] ears ringing with the screams of the victims, authority won more often than not. The extreme willingness of adults to go to almost any lengths on the command of an authority constitutes the chief finding of the study and the fact most urgently demanding explanation."