interpersonal-relationships

"Most of Tennov's research came from thousands of personal accounts of those who had fallen in love. She discovered that many who considered themselves "madly in love" had similar descriptions of their emotions and actions. She chose the label limerence to describe an intense longing and desire for another person that is much stronger than a simple infatuation, but not the same as a long-lived love that could last a life-time. Limerence is often overpowering, and in intense cases will cause a person to be obsessed with the one they've fallen for."

"Writers have been philosophizing, moralizing, and eulogizing on the subject of "erotic," "passionate," "romantic" love (i.e., limerence) since Plato (and surely long before that). And more often than not, what is said is enough to make a limerent dissolve into the walls in embarrassment. It can be dangerous to stick your neck out on the subject of love—dangerous to your self-esteem and to your reputation."

"Limerence is also fairly common to see in media geared toward young adults. Both Snape, who has an unhealthy lifelong fixation on Lily Potter in the Harry Potter franchise, and Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, who become obsessed with each other before they’ve even spoken to one another in Twilight, are struggling with limerence."

"Tennov (1979) interviewed more than five hundred passionate lovers. Almost all lovers took it for granted that passionate love (which Tennov labels 'limerence') is a bittersweet experience."

"Turns out, I am mentally ill. Aspects of my current brain chemistry resemble that of a person with obsessive-compulsive disorder. I haven't started turning the light switches on and off or urgently avoiding sidewalk cracks. But I have been shopping for beauty products and underwear in a fever. I read cookbooks now. I spend an embarrassing amount of time looking at myself naked. My classic symptoms—involuntary preoccupation, mood swings, emotional sensitivity, enhanced sensual awareness—are what tip the diagnosis. I am limerent."

"All the letters make fine reading, but I was particularly struck by your complaint (letter 2, page 27) of a persistent heavy feeling in the chest that can only be relieved by sighing. Ralph, this is a clue. You are not just in love, you are limerent. This is a brand-new word made up by a University of Bridgeport psychologist, Dorothy Tennov, in her new book on romance, Love and Limerence. If you haven’t guessed it already, limerence is the ultimate, near obsessional form of romantic love. Now pay attention to this, Ralph. Here are the telltale signs of limerence: pressure in the chest (literally "heartache"), an acute longing for reciprocation, fear of rejection, drastic mood swings, the growth of passion through adversity, and intrusive thinking about the LO, or "limerent object.""

"The English language lacked a noun singular for the state of being love smitten, or having fallen in love, until Dorothy Tennov (1979) coined the term, limerence, to fill the void. It is formally defined as follows: limerence (adjective, limerent): the personal experience of having fallen in love and of being irrationally and fixatedly love stricken or love smitten, irrespective of the degree to which one’s love is requited or unrequited."

"Tennov called it limerence — to distinguish it from other concepts of love — and it corresponds with mental states conventionally described as 'being in love' or 'falling in love'. The principal features of limerence are obsession, irrational idealisation, emotional dependency and a deep longing for reciprocation. Typically, limerent individuals pursue inappropriate partners, fail at relationships, and seem unable to learn from their experience."

"Tennov (1979) used the term limerence to refer to a kind of infatuated, all-absorbing passion — the kind of love that Dante felt for Beatrice, or that Juliet and Romeo felt for each other. Tennov argued that an important feature of limerence is that it should be unrequited, or at least unfulfilled. It consists of a state of intense longing for the other person, in which the individual becomes more or less obsessed by that person and spends much of their time fantasising about them."

"Data collection largely began with the now classic dissection of this madness, found in Love and Limerence, by Dorothy Tennov. Tennov devised approximately two hundred statements about romantic love and asked four hundred men and women at and around the University of Bridgeport, Connecticut, to respond with "true" or "false" reactions. Hundreds of additional individuals answered subsequent versions of her questionnaire. From their responses, as well as their diaries and other personal accounts, Tennov identified a constellation of characteristics common to this condition of "being in love," a state she called "limerence.""

"I coined the word "limerence." It was pronounceable and seemed to me and to two students to have a "fitting" sound. To be in the state of limerence is to feel what is usually termed "being in love.""

"Reaction to limerence theory depends partly on acquaintance with the evidence for it and partly on personal experience. People who have not experienced limerence are baffled by descriptions of it and are often resistant to the evidence that it exists. To such outside observers, limerence seems pathological. The phenomenon that provides the subject of much romantic poetry and fiction has been called an addiction, an indication of low self-esteem, irrational, neurotic, erotomanic, and delusional. To those without direct experience it seems inconceivable that a sane person could attach so much importance to another individual."

"For most people, crushes come and go. But for others, the longing can last years and become addictive. A spark of interest turns into obsessive rumination sustained by a pernicious cocktail of hope and doubt. This is not a crush. This is limerence."

"Rich preys make true men thieves; so do thy lips Make modest Dian cloudy and forlorn, Lest she should steal a kiss and die forsworn."

"‘I saw you take his kiss!’ ‘’Tis true.’ ‘O, modesty!’ ‘’Twas strictly kept: ‘He thought me asleep; at least, I knew ‘He thought I thought he thought I slept.’"

"So soon was she along, as he was down, Each leaning on their elbows and their hips: Now doth she stroke his cheek, now doth he frown, And ’gins to chide, but soon she stops his lips; And kissing speaks, with lustful language broken, ‘If thou wilt chide, thy lips shall never open.’He burns with bashful shame; she with her tears Doth quench the maiden burning of his cheeks; Then with her windy sighs and golden hairs To fan and blow them dry again she seeks: He saith she is immodest, blames her miss; What follows more she murders with a kiss.Even as an empty eagle, sharp by fast, Tires with her beak on feathers, flesh and bone, Shaking her wings, devouring all in haste, Till either gorge be stuff’d or prey be gone; Even so she kiss’d his brow, his cheek, his chin, And where she ends she doth anew begin."

"She shall be dignified with this high honour— To bear my lady's train, lest the base earth Should from her vesture chance to steal a kiss And, of so great a favour growing proud, Disdain to root the summer-swelling flower And make rough winter everlastingly."

"My ghostly fader, I me confess, First to God and then to you, That at a window, wot ye how, I stale a kosse of gret swetness, Which don was out avisiness— But it is doon, not undoon, now.My ghostly fader, I me confess, First to God and then to you.But I restore it shall, doutless, Agein, if so be that I mow; And that to God I make a vow, And elles I axe foryefness.My ghostly fader, I me confesse, First to God and then to you."

"She accepted these terms, and slid off on the near side, though not till he had stolen a cursory kiss."

"Stolen sweets are always sweeter, Stolen kisses much completer, Stolen looks are nice in chapels, Stolen, stolen, be your apples."

"The kiss, snatch’d hasty from the sidelong maid, On purpose guardless, or pretending sleep:"

"If I steal a kiss, dear, I'll surely return it someday If I steal your dreams, dear, I'll bring them back some way."

"Now gentle sleep hath closèd up those eyes, Which waking kept my boldest thoughts in awe, And free access unto that sweet lip lies From whence I long the rosy breath to draw. Methinks no wrong it were if I should steal, From those two melting rubies, one poor kiss. None sees the theft that would the thief reveal, Nor rob I her of aught which she can miss. Nay, should I twenty kisses take away, There would be little sign I had done so. Why then should I this robbery delay? Oh, she may wake, and therewith angry grow. Well, if she do, I’ll back restore that one, And twenty hundred thousand more for loan."

"Thou art no man, though of a man’s complexion, For men will kiss even by their own direction.’"

"Now let us kiss. Would you be gone? Manners at least allows me one. Blush you at this? pretty one, stay, And I will take that kiss away. Thus with a second, and that too A third wipes off; so will we go To numbers that the stars outrun, And all the atoms in the sun."

"Love guards the roses of thy lips And flies about them like a bee; If I approach he forward skips, And if I kiss he stingeth me."

"Venus, and young Adonis sitting by her, Under a myrtle shade began to woo him: She told the youngling how god Mars did try her, And as he fell to her, so fell she to him. ‘Even thus,’ quoth she, ‘the wanton god embraced me’ (And then she clasped Adonis in her arms); ‘Even thus,’ quoth she, ‘the warlike god unlaced me,’ As if the boy should use like loving charms. But he, a wayward boy, refused her offer, And ran away, the beauteous queen neglecting, Showing both folly to abuse her proffer, And all his sex of cowardice detecting. O that I had my mistress at that bay, To kiss and clip me till I ran away!"

"Aim as certain not to miss; Take her as thou would’st a kiss!"

"Cum flagrantia detorquet ad oscula Cervicem aut facili saevitia negat Quae poscente magis gaudeat eripi, Interdum rapere occupet?"

"More honourable state, more courtship lives In carrion flies than Romeo. They may seize On the white wonder of dear Juliet’s hand And steal immortal blessing from her lips; Who, even in pure and vestal modesty, Still blush, as thinking their own kisses sin."

"How does my love pass the long day? Does Mary not tend a few sheep? Do they never carelessly stray While happily she lies asleep? Should Tweed’s murmurs lull her to rest, Kind nature indulging my bliss, To ease the soft pains of my breast I’d steal an ambrosial kiss."

"Si ne me sceut tant detrayner, Fouler au piez, que ne l'amasse, Et m'eust il fait les rains trayner, Si m'eust dit que je le baisasse, Que tous mes maulx je n'oubliasse. Le glouton, de mal entechié, M'embrassoit…. J'en suis bien plus grasse! Que m'en reste il? Honte et pechié."

"Dehumanization, although a concrete historical fact, is not a given destiny but the result of an unjust order that engenders violence in the oppressors, which in turn dehumanizes the oppressed."

"Unless one lives and loves in the trenches it is difficult to remember that the war against dehumanization is ceaseless."

"I will feed you even though you are an outcast. I will give you drink even though you are an outcast. You are still my son, even if your god has turned against you."

"When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes I all alone beweep my outcast state, And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries, And look upon myself, and curse my fate"

"After becoming a thief, one becomes an outcast."

"The remarkable thing about Jesus was that, although he came from the middle class and had no appreciable disadvantages himself, he mixed socially with the lowest of the low and identified himself with them. He became an outcast by choice. Why did Jesus do this? What would make a middle-class man talk to beggars and mix socially with the poor? What would make a prophet associate with the rabble who know nothing of the law? The answer comes across very clearly in the gospels: compassion."

"On the edge of the world, and a curs'd outcast."

"My days – the blossom of my youth and the flower of my manhood – have been darkened by the dreariness of servitude. In this my native land – in the land of my sires – I am degraded without fault as an alien and an outcast."

"A prison wall was round us both, Two outcast men we were: The world had thrust us from its heart, And God from out His care: And the iron gin that waits for Sin Had caught us in its snare."

"The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion."

"Smash is the way you feel all alone, Like an outcast you're out on your own. Smash is the way you deal with your life, Like an outcast you're smashing your strife"

"All charming people, I fancy, are spoiled. It is the secret of their attraction."

"Men are constantly attracted and deluded by two opposite charms: the charm of competence which is engendered by mathematics and everything akin to mathematics, and the charm of humble awe, which is engendered by meditation on the human soul and its experiences. Philosophy is characterized by the gentle, if firm, refusal to succumb to either charm. It is the highest form of the mating of courage and moderation. In spite of its highness or nobility, it could appear as Sisyphean or ugly, when one contrasts its achievement with its goal. Yet it is necessarily accompanied, sustained and elevated by eros. It is graced by nature's grace."

"How amiable and innocent Her pleasure in her power to charm!"

"But Time's stern tide, with cold Oblivion's wave, Shall soon dissolve each fair, each fading charm."

"The true spirit of conversation consists more in bringing out the cleverness of others than in showing a great deal of it yourself; he who goes away pleased with himself and his own wit is also greatly pleased with you. Most men would rather please than admire you; they seek less to be instructed, and even to be amused, than to be praised and applauded; the most delicate of pleasures is to please another person."

"Oh, it's — it's a sort of bloom on a woman. If you have it, you don't need to have anything else; and if you don't have it, it doesn't much matter what else you have. Some women, the few, have charm for all; and most have charm for one. But some have charm for none."

""Charm"—which means the power to effect work without employing brute force—is indispensable to women. Charm is a woman's strength just as strength is a man's charm."