Historical Novelists

"Besides, [Saint] George pointed out, dragons burn towns and demand princesses as ransom. The dragons, referring to the Siege of Jerusalem, the Sack of Constantinople and a thousand years of dynastic marriages, said, Look who's talking."

"'Luck, like a Russian car, generally only works if you push it.'"

"'Tact comes as naturally to full-bore handguns as, say, ice-skating to African elephants, but there comes a time when an exceptional individual is prepared to stand up and break the mould.'"

"'He didn't smile - he was from Yorkshire, after all - but in some inner chamber of his heart he was satisfied.'"

"'...and we have already seen how insurance is like a pyramid - (Huge, incomprehensible, hideously expensive, completely unnecessary and specifically designed only to be of benefit to you once you're dead?)'"

"'Genies rarely have nightmares, for the same reason that elephants don't usually worry about being trampled underfoot. With the possible exception of bottles, there's nothing in the cosmos large enough or malicious enough to frighten them, or stupid enough to try.'"

"It was, they told him, all part of a concept which was definitely going to be The Future as far as Hell Holdings was concerned. For reasons he couldn't quite grasp, but which he couldn't help but feel mildly flattering, they were going to call it EuroBosch."

"Ronnie Bosch sat in his studio, stared long and hard at his drawing board, and groaned."

"Between the town of Giles, to the north of the Tomkinson Range, and Forrest in the Nullarbor Plain, lies the Great Victorian Desert. It is hot, arid, desolate and merciless; and whatever the Creator had in mind when He made it that way, it most certainly wasn't human beings. It's a really awful place to be if you've got toothache."

"That's it?' Boamund said. 'Basically, yes,' the hermit replied. 'I've left out Helmut von Moltke and the Peace of Nikolsburg, and maybe I skated over the Benelux customs union a bit, but I think you've got the essentials there. Anything you're not sure about, you can look up in the book.' - c. 1"

"Boamund scratches his head. Imagine a knight by Alma-Tadema who's somehow managed to fall off the picture and is wondering how to get back in without breaking the glass."

"The knight raises both eyebrows, like someone by Burne-Jones who's just trodden on something sharp. 'I am Prince Boamund, eldest son of King -' 'Boamund?' 'That's right,' says the knight, 'Boamund, eldest son of -' 'How do you spell that?' Boamund looks worried. Where he comes from you can take advanced falconry, or you can take spelling; not both. Guess which one he opted for. - c. 1"

"'How many spectral warriors does it take to change a light-bulb? One, and a stepladder. At a pinch, of course, he could stand on a chair.'"

"Jason squared his shoulders, drew the Sword of - I couldn't give a toss what it's supposed to be called, he said to himself, I shall call it Freckles - and took one step forward."

"The best definition of an immortal is someone who hasn't died yet."

"In the beginning was the Word. Nobody knows what it actually was, although it would be nice to think that it was 'Sorry."

"“Where shall we go first?” “Rekjavík.” “Why Rekjavík.” “Because we have all the time in the world,” Jane answered, “and I want to save the good bits till later.”"

"What was going to happen now? In the end, every community and grouping of human beings (except, of course, the Rolling Stones) drifts apart and goes its separate ways."

"“I’m afraid you're stuffed, Professor. Talking of which, have an olive.” “I do not want an olive, Miss Doland.” “More fool you, then,” Jane replied. “It's at times like these you need an olive in order to make sense of things.”"

"Jane was a child of the media age, and there lurked in the back of her mind the instinctive belief that if a thing wasn't on the news, it couldn't really have happened after all."

"I see what you mean about making a will, actually, although I still maintain that forty quid spent on deciding what's going to happen after you're dead is a waste of good beer money."

"Well, it's a bit late now, isn't it? Besides, I never could be doing with lawyers. Did you ever meet a lawyer whose life you would willingly have saved in the event of fire? Not me."

"Love? Love was a concept with which he was no longer comfortable. At his age, it did not do to take anything too seriously, and the depressing thing about love was the seriousness which had to go with it, just as these days you couldn't seem to get jumbo sausage and chips in a pub without a salad being thrown in as well."

"An over-excited accountant, like the University of Hull, is a contradiction in terms."

"“So you've never had any urge to rule the world, or anything like that?” “What, me?” Vanderdecker said. “No, I can't say I have. It would be nice to change some things, naturally.” Jane leaned forward and looked serious. “Such as?” Vanderdecker considered. “I don't know,” he said, “now you come to mention it. I can't actually think of anything that even remotely matters. You get such a wonderful sense of perspective at my age.”"

"If he had any philosophy of life, it was that everything happens by accident, and that at any given time, ninety-nine-point-nine-five per cent of the human race are a confounded nuisance."

"“Be my guest,” Vanderdecker said. “You can watch a master liar at work, if you don't mind being an accomplice.” “Doesn't worry me,” Jane replied, “I’m an accountant.”"

"It was, she admitted to herself as she parked in front of the boatyard, a long shot, a hunch – or, if you preferred English to the language of the talking pictures, a very silly idea."

"It may not be true, but it provides a much-needed focal point for baffled indignation."

"“Look, miss,” he said, “if you think I'm getting any sort of thrill out of seeing two females in wetsuits and gasmasks chained to a railing, you’re working the wrong pitch. Try Amsterdam.”"

"When he left Quincy's he returned to the studios and went to see the man who was going to tell him everything he needed to know about sports broadcasting in twenty-five minutes. “The main thing,” said the expert, is to turn up on the right day at the right place and keep the sound recordists out of the bar. Leave everything else to the cameramen, and you'll do all right. That's it.”"

"My mother can do it, of course, but then she understands machines. She tapes the Australian soaps, which I call a perverse use of advanced technology."

"“It was basically a form of gambling, and it went something like this. “The Fuggers would think of something that was extremely unlikely to happen, and then they would persuade someone to wager them money that it would. Now the proper term for this arrangement is a sucker bet, but the Fuggers wanted to find a respectable name for it, so they called it Insurance. It caught on, just as they knew it would, and soon it became so respectable that they were able to get people to make a new bet every year, and they called this sort of bet a premium.”"

"In a long life, reflected the Flying Dutchman, I have come across many bloody silly ideas, but two of them are in a class of their own for pure untainted idiocy. One was the Court of King Ludwig of Bavaria, and the other is the privatised British telephone service. A long way away, definitely in another continent and quite probably in another dimension, a little voice ask him to repeat the name."

"It is galling, to say the least, to have been to every place in the world and then not know where somewhere is. It's rather like having a doctorate in semiconductor physics and not being able to wire a plug. You begin to wonder whether it's all been worthwhile."

"Like fish, accountants see things in a different way from people, and details which people find unimportant are their reason for existing."

"“What did you think,” he asked – with obvious restraint – “of the music?” “I got used to it,” she replied, after a bit. “Like a dripping tap,” she added."

"His role in history was rather like that of lettuce in the average salad; it achieves no useful purpose, but there's always a lot of it."

"“That’s sad, in a way,” said King Hrolf. “I wouldn’t have minded being forgotten, but I’m not so keen on being debunked.” “Men die,” Hildy quoted, “cattle die, but the glory of heroes lives for ever. It’s just that these days people hate leaving well alone. They can’t bear anything to be noble and splendid anymore. But who knows? In a couple of hundred years or so, they may start believing in the old stories again. That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?”"

"“It’ll be strange, of course. When I’m giving a lecture on Bothvar Bjarki and speculating on whether he was really just a sun-god motif imported from early Indo-European myth.” “Is he?” “Undoubtedly,” Hildy said. “The parallels are conclusive.” “I’ll tell him that,” said the King. “He’ll be livid.” “So are you,” she said, “probably. Or you’re an amalgamation of several pseudo-historical early dynasties, conflated by oral tradition and rationalised by the chroniclers. Your deeds are a fictionalized account of tribal disturbances during the Age of Migrations and you have no real basis in historical fact.” “Thank you, Vel-Hilda,” said the King. “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about me.”"

"But Hildy was no longer afraid. She had reached the point where fear can no longer help, and anger offers the only hope of survival."

"“Give me your word of honour.” “On my word of honour,” said Danny. Obviously, he reflected, the man really didn’t know what a television producer was, or he would have demanded a different oath."

"In the age of the supersonic airliner, a man can have breakfast in London and lunch in New York (if his digestion can stand it); but to get from Manchester to the north coast of Scotland between the waxing and the waning of the moon still requires not only dedication and cunning but also a modicum of good luck, just as it did in the Dark Ages."

"All the great conspiracies of history have been bizarre, usually because of the incompetence of the leading conspirators."

"When Danny had recovered from the shock of impact, he tried to open his door, but a man in a grey suit with a helmet covering his face opened it for him and showed him the blade of a large axe. If this was the Milk Marketing Board, they were probably exceeding their statutory authority."

"Wise is he who knows when to speak; wiser still, he who knows when to stay silent."

"The authors of all the sagas she had read had been notably reticent about the cost of mass catering."

"“I’m an archaeologist,” said Hildy. “I dig up the past.” The king raised an eyebrow. “You mean you refresh old quarrels and keep alive old grievances? Surely not.” “No, no,” said Hildy, “I dig up ancient things buried in the earth. Things that belonged to people who lived hundreds of years ago.”… “Do you really?” said the King. “We used to call that grave-robbing.”"

"Perhaps it was some magic in those extraordinary letters, first created at a time when any writing was by definition magical, a secret mark on silent metal that could communicate without speech to the eyes of a wise lore-master. Runes cannot help being magical, even if what they spell out is commonplace."

"It was an indescribably beautiful thing, with the perfection of line and form that only something designed to be functional can have, lean and graceful and infinitely menacing, like a man-eating swan."