"Dean: One second, you're Zack Siler, class president, stand-out athlete, all-around bad-ass mamba-jahamba; the next thing you know, you're Zack Siler, bitch-boy."

"Taylor: You didn't think you became popular for real, did you? Oh, you did? That's so sweet."

"Mackenzie: So who's the lucky rebound skank?"

"You didn't really think I'd leave for All-Star Road Rules and still be dating you? Oh, you did? That's so sweet."

"It's not about disrespect, it's just gas."

"So, Laney, I was wondering if you wanted to... [Laney walks away]... embarrass me horribly in front of all these people."

"Give her the right look, the right boyfriend, and bam. In six weeks she's being named prom queen."

"Sometimes when you open up to people, you let the bad in with the good."

"This is all fascinating, Taylor, but could you skip to the part where you decided to screw me over."

"Am I a bet? Am I a FUCKING BET?"

"Who the HELL would nominate me?"

"I feel just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. You know, except for the whole hooker thing."

"Stalking is illegal in all 50 states."

"What is this, some sort of dork outreach program?"

"You're the only boy that can make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. Karlie TC sucks!"

"Adam Sandler - Mambuza Bongo Player"

"Ashlee Simpson - Monique"

"Megan Kuhlmann - Hildenburg"

"Sam Doumit - Eden"

"Angie Stone - Madame Mambuza"

"Matt Weinberg - Booger Spencer"

"Jodi Long - Keesha's Mom"

"Maritza Murray - Keesha "Ling-Ling" Jackson"

"Maria-Elena Laas - Bianca"

"Alexandra Holden - Lulu"

"Melora Hardin - Carol Spencer"

"Michael O'Keefe - Richie Spencer"

"Eric Christian Olsen - Jake"

"Matthew Lawrence - Billy"

"Anna Faris - April"

"Rachel McAdams - Jessica Spencer/Clive Maxtone"

"Rob Schneider - Clive Maxtone/Jessica Spencer"

"The hottest chick in town just switched bodies with the luckiest loser in the world."

"Come on, it's not every day that your best friend grows a penis."

"I'll make you a deal. You just let me make another 500 bucks tonight, ok, then I'll give you your body back because it's soooo important to you. (mockingly) Waa, waa, I'm crying about my body! And then you can loan it to me every other weekend so I can pay off some gambling debts."

"(after stealing a box of tampons) I gotta do WHAT??"

"(walking into the bathroom after turning into Jessica) WHERE'S MY...?"

"You think you're so cool 'cause you can pee with your penis. Get a new conditioner, your ends are totally split!"

"Ooooh check out the sweet buns on that guy! I'd like to get my hands on those...(trails off as he notices the macho bartender glaring at him, and then continues)...and wish they were womens' breasts. I'd squeeze the hell out of 'em. Maybe put a steak on 'em. Cause I'm a GUY. And that's what GUYS like me LIKE TO DO!"