"Any little fraulein who expects anything more from me than a little bit of pleasure, a little bit of danger, and a great set of pectorals, she's looking for a fall right on her ass."

"[to himself] She's so beautiful. And I'm the town liar."

"He took the job that no one wanted...and got the girl that everyone did."

"Most people don't take snapshots of the little things. The used Band-Aid, the guy at the gas station, the wasp on the Jell-O. But these are the things that make up the true picture of our lives. People don't take pictures of these things."

"I'm sure my customers never think about it, but these snapshots are their little stands against the flow of time. The shutter is clicked, the flash goes off and they've stopped time - just for the blink of an eye. And if these pictures have anything important to say to future generations, it's this: I was here. I existed. I was young, I was happy, and someone cared enough about me in this world to take my picture."

"Pretend this is all pretend."

"I've been doing P.O.S. mini-lab work for over 20 years now. I consider it an important job. When people's houses are on fire, what's the first thing they save after their pets and their loved ones are safe? The family photos. Some people think that this is a job for a clerk. They actually believe that any idiot that attends a two-day seminar can master the art of making beautiful prints in less than an hour. Of course, like most things, there's far more to it than meets the eye. I've seen the prints they fop off on people at the Rexall or Fotek, milky washed out prints, too dark prints. There's no sense of reverence for the service they're providing for people. I process these photos as if they were my own."

"[while stalking the Yorkins] What the hell is wrong with these people?"

"Clark Gregg as Det. Paul Outerbridge"

"Paul H. Kim as Yoshi Araki"

"No one takes photographs of something they want to forget."

"Gary Cole as Bill Owens, Manager"

"Erin Daniels as Maya Burson"

"Dylan Smith as Jake Yorkin"

"Robin Williams as Seymour "Sy" Parrish"

"He knows your name, He knows your life, He knows where you live"

"Michael Varatan as Will Yorkin"

"Connie Nielsen as Nina Yorkin"

"According to The Oxford English Dictionary, the word "snapshot" was originally a hunting term."

"Eriq La Salle as Det. James Van Der Zee"

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first."

"[to Thurman] Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did? He kicked my ass. You know why? It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You gonna have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something...or don't. Shit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it."

"[to Thurman] Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did, or 'Santa's Little Helper' would have plugged his ass. And now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like fucking royalty, which is new in my experience. They're making me a sensitivity counselor so that tragedies like this would never again embarrass the department. Meanwhile, I told the cops that you had no one to take the fuck care of you. So they set it up with Mrs. Santa's sister until your dad gets out in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro-temp. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that he and his prune faced, mail order wife are going to be exploring mountains with your dad. I just hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them like I did."

"I said "next," goddamn it! This is not the DMV, all right? Move it along."

"[while having sex] Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! You ain't gonna shit right for a WEEK!"

"[in a letter to Thurman] Dear Kid, I hope that you got my present and that there wasn't too much blood on it, although there was blood on the presents you gave me, which didn't keep me from enjoying it, so maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess. Just in case they took it as evidence, I'm also sending you a T-shirt. I hope it's the right size. I'm healing up good and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, even with eight bullets dug out of me cause they didn't hit any vital organs, just my liver, which is fucked anyway. Hahaha. Anyways, I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you so they set it up with Ms. Santa's Sister to watch you 'til your dad gets back in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro tem, or some such shit. Anyway, she makes better money than bartending and seems to like you, your house, and Jacuzzi. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad. I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit for them like I did. Thank you for giving that letter to the cops, I forgot to ask you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass, and now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass outta jail. That plus everyone agreeing that to Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like fucking royalty now, which is new in my experience. They're gonna make me the sensitivity counselor, so that tragedies like this will never again embarrass the whole fucking department. Whatever. So I'll be staying in Phoenix now, telling the police how screwed up they are, which is not a bad job as jobs go. They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon, so I'll see you when I come over and fuck Ms. Santa's Sister in the jacuzzi. Until then, don't take no shit from nobody, least of all, yourself. Anyway, see you soon. Santa."

"[narrating] I've been to prison once. I've been married twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this. If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats pissing on my lap for days out of the year, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it, I still might."

"You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot-eatin' shit that has every slid from a human being's hairy ass."

"Jesus Christ! Can you maybe at least keep it together for just 10 minutes?"

"Lauren Tom — Lois Skidmore"

"Bernie Mac — Gin Slagel"

"John Ritter — Bob Chipeska"

"Lauren Graham — Sue"

"Billy Bob Thornton — Willie T. Soke"

"Tony Cox — Marcus Skidmore"

"Brett Kelly — Thurman Murman"

"When I look at you, you know what I think? I think America has a sad future ahead of it."