"When I get back I'm going to show you something I like to call crouching tiger, hidden penis. [takes a drink of the water] You know I really liked that movie, 'cause of all the flying and the magic."

"Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that is now why I have a lazy eye."

"You can use a little teeth but we don't want to be a biter. Now ladies these carrots are not gonna ejaculate themselves. Get into it!"

"Ok ladies, the secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of ten years or some hot sailor you met at TGI Fridays, who didn't call me back.."

"What are you doing? You're like Romulus sucking on the tit of the Motherwolf. If you know your Greek mythology."

"Who's hungry? Who's hungry?"

"Waiter: Love, it's a motherfucker, huh?"

"Waiter: And don't worry. For the Godfather, it's always on the house."

"Waiter: You are beautiful. But no offense, he, he is the king. You are having coffee and pie with a living legend."

"True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show, ready to double-team your girlfriend..."

"Mark: [to little girl] This is yesterday's paper. When are you going to use your goddamn brains for once in your life? Hello. What are you retarded?"

"Mark: [after being caught with another woman] What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick are you? Ok. Good talk. I'll see you out there."

"Gordon Pritchard: Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety."

"Booker: We've been waiting all semester for you to ask us."

"Dean Pritchard: I'm sorry is that funny? Are you a standup comic, is that what you do now? This is me leaving. This is me leaving."

"All the fun of college, none of the education."

"Why do men act like boys? Because they can."

"Luke Wilson - Mitch Martin"

"Will Ferrell - Frank 'The Tank' Ricard"

"Vince Vaughn - Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell"

"Jeremy Piven - Dean Gordon 'Cheese' Pritchard"

"Ellen Pompeo - Nicole"

"Juliette Lewis - Heidi"

"Leah Remini - Lara Campbell"

"Perrey Reeves - Marissa Jones"

"Craig Kilborn - Mark"

"Elisha Cuthbert - Darcie"

"Seann William Scott - Peppers"

"Matt Walsh - Walsh"

"Artie Lange - Booker"

"Patrick Cranshaw - Joseph 'Blue' Palasky"

"Jerod Mixon - Weensie"

"Rick Gonzalez - Spanish"

"Bryan Callen - Avi, the Waiter"

"Andy Dick - Garry, the Oral Sex Instructor"

"Wedding Singer: [singing] Fuckin' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I fuckin' need you more than ever."

"At this point, you might be asking yourself, "Why am I holding this 30-pound cinder block in my hands?" You might also ask yourself, "Why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it?" And finally, "Why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?""

"All I want to do is get some fucking sleep."

"This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college."

"Ah Denver, The sunshine state... Denver?! Gorgeous!"

"[Leaving a message] I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Dammit. [Calls back] This is Frank Ricard..."

"You know I was thinking we could go back home...have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD...no? Weren't thinking that? Okay."

"So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Oh, hi Nicole. Have fun at the wedding?"

"Thanks, she's OK"

"That's how you do it. That's how you debate."

"All we are is dust in the wind..."

"[Voiceover.] Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything. We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. I love you. Frank"