"[as Simple Jack] Goodbye Momma! Now you can have ice cream in heaven! I'll see you tonight when I go to bed, in my head movies. But this head movie makes my eyes rain!"

"Danny McBride - Cody Underwood"

"Steve Coogan - Damien Cockburn"

"[incensed at Flaming Dragon's demands] Okay, Flaming Dragon. Fuckface. First, take a big step back... and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! Now, I don't know what kind of pan-Pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia, Jack, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again. Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP! [hangs up; to assistant] Find out who that was."

"Matthew McConaughey - Rick "Pecker" Peck"

"Robert Downey Jr. - Kirk Lazarus"

"I know who I am! I'm a dude playing a dude, disguised as another dude! You a dude who don't know what dude he is."

"Ben Stiller - Tugg Speedman"

"Nick Nolte - John "Four Leaf" Tayback"

"Tom Cruise - Les Grossman"

"Bill Hader - Rob Slolom"

"Janeane Garofalo - Vickie Milner"

"Winona Ryder - Lelania Pierce"

"Ben Stiller - Michael Grates"

"Life is always funnier when it happens to someone else."

"Don't you ever wish you were a lesbian?"

"I truly believe that if we can get two women on the supreme court, we can get at least one on you."

"A comedy about love in the 90's"

"I'm bursting with fruit flavor."

"My favorite part about graduating now will be dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life. He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy... been after my ass for years."

"Evian is naive spelled backwards."

"[after coming out to his mother] I wanna be miserable and happy and all that. I wanna be let back into the house."

"My goal is... I'd like a career or something."

"I am not required to make the world a better place."

"Ethan Hawke - Troy Dyer"

"You have reached the winter of our discontent."

"Steve Zahn - Sammy Gray"

"Hey! I'm a non-practicing virgin."

"You look like a doily."

"He's the reason Cliffs Notes were invented."

"There's no point to any of this. It's just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moments where your laughter becomes a cackle... and I, I sit back and smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt."

"It's not like its happening to me. It's like it's in a crappy show like Melrose Place."

"My parents have been married for 26 years. Theyre like brother and sister at this point. She goes to the bathroom with the door open. That would be "A". And "B" that's disgusting."

"Laney, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship."

"Honey, the only thing you have to be at age 23 is yourself."

"I'm not going to work at The Gap for chrissake!"

"He's so cheesy, I can't watch him without crackers."

"It's not like I had a hysterectomy. I just got fired."

"I have work around here, and unfortunately Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage."

"Are employee snacks subsidized?"

"There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite. But there's no secret handshake."

"Stanley's Mother"

"He came... He saw... He tormented..."

"He’s a real live wire"

"Stanley Yelnats"

"Are you ready to get wired?"

"Once you're hooked... you're his"